Can it ever be beaten?

[loulou]

As a positive, very successful member of society (seemingly on the outside), I have fought a long and bloody secret battle that only a handful of people have got the tiniest notion of. My willpower is strong, so strong that anything I challenge I accompolish. However, when it comes to drink, I am beat. Not only does it batter me on a daily basis but it comes back for more, time and time again - it won't leave me alone. I have tried every weapon, I have prayed and begged and promised. But as the evening approaches, it comes for me, it takes over and I just can't fight it. The only thing I am certain of each day is oblivion as when I pick up a drink I know I'm done for. Then comes the horrifying awakening in the early hours of the morning, parched throat, sweats, bewilderment, utter despair, thoughts wizzing in my head - 'Why did I do it again?'
Then the utter exhaustion of dragging myself out of bed, putting on a face and going into the cutthroat world of business where I draw on every ounce of willpower to put one foot in front of the other and present a normal image to the world.

How many times have I tried to conquer, surrender, battle, reason with this addiction - more than 5000 times. How many weapons, tactics, prayers, methods have I used? Probably them all.

For the first time last week, (as I'm too much of a coward) to do it myself. I prayed for a sudden accident to give me a more dignified exit so my family wouldn't suffer.

But that's laughable, oh how those two little ones suffer. They may have their physical needs looked after but little else.

Is this a self absorbed, selfish, me, me, me dialogue. Well yes, absolutely! First time to ever contribute to a forum and hats off to you who are doing so well, you are an inspiration.

Starting to doubt whether recovery is available for everyone. Many are called but few are chosen.

Is is possible for us all?

[hope]

Hi Loulou

Welcome to the forum. You have described me perfectly - I feel like someone else inhabits my body and takes over all rational decision-making. If you have prayed then I am guessing you believe in God - and so the Devil as well. It is the Devil that is trying to destroy my life - and I refuse to let him win. I am not successful in recovery yet - but I am WAY better than I was a year ago and getting better all the time. The trick is to not enter into any dialogue with the drinking voice - the Devil has thousands of years of experience tricking people and he has angel intelligence - so don't listen to him. Today is another 'day one' for me, but I am picking myself up, I will not give in to despair or hopelessness and I will stop - and you will too. If you haven't already done so, I suggest reading the postings in the main forum - there is so much good advice and support. Keep posting

[Beth]

Loulou, Is it possible? Yes!
You didn't always drink? I was told from a very early age that I would be an alcoholic because of heredity. But I have learned through this process I will be an addict of anything. I always said I have amazing willpower but just like you it wasn't helping me to recover. I couldn't understand why. Check out the Hungry Ghost that may explain somethings to you.
I am too early to give too much advice but when I realized that this isn't going to be easy and that I had to really fight for it, things started to click.
A. Because I really never had to fight for anything. Most things have always come easy.
B. I am a lot weaker than I thought I was.
Someone recently posted about how an alcoholic stops aging (maturing) at the age they became an alcoholic. I have thought a lot about this because I started drinking at 14 and by the time I was a young adult I was addicted. So for me I have spent a lot of time trying to understand what caused my drinking and how to grow from what I am learning.
A lot of people talk about experiencing the emotions and letting them go. My emotions are non existent or buried so deep that it may take the rest of my life to figure out. But I am starting....my first layer is anxiety. I am anxious all the time and couldn't figure out why? They say emotions are deep in your muscles...some in the neck, some in the arms, they can even be in your stomach muscles. So I am starting there.... I am spending time mentally clearing myself of anxiety. It started with anxiety of coming home after work to my crazy household. I had to empty my muscles of that. Then I mentally starting focusing the anxiety of not drinking.... I rated the anxiety from 1 to 10. I started at a 10 but as I released the thought and physical feelings, the number went down to a seven. I keep doing this daily, focusing on the feeling then emptying my muscles then my body from the feeling. I go as far as pulling at my stomach as if I am pulling out all the anxiety and putting it in a huge pile on the floor. I then take the pile and imagine burying deep into the ocean floor.

You must realize this is not going to be easy. My goodness just see all the celebrities that have ended their careers/ lives because of this.

Depression is hard to understand when your mind is foggy. The saying "Do I drink because I'm depressed or does drinking make me depressed". I believe it's the latter.

Yes yes yes it is possible to beat this! But finding a healthy addiction is a must for me. I know this because of my Hungry Ghost.

I pray that you find success in this forum.
Take Care.

[loulou]

Hi Beth and Hope thanks for your words, they are very much appreciated. I'm interested in the Hungry Ghost and will research it. Yes, for every problem there must be an answer. I just need to find it in enough time. God bless to you both for your response x

[kevin2]

Hi Beth and Hope thanks for your words, they are very much appreciated. I'm interested in the Hungry Ghost and will research it. Yes, for every problem there must be an answer. I just need to find it in enough time. God bless to you both for your response x

Isn't that Casper's cousin? :-)

Good posts and interesting thread. I do think it's common with alcoholics or any addictive personality,...to really overthink, overcomplicate, and overanalyze things. That's just who we are. All of the analogies and comparisons are appropriate but it really isn't that complicated,...it's difficult for sure, but it IS simple. Patrick says it over and over in his articles,...just "do not drink or use drugs,...no matter what". It sounds cut and dried and it really is,..so why does it seem so impossible to actually do?? I still struggle and am early in this fight also,...but I do know that the ones who really have success here, take on the attitude that "drinking is no longer an option" for them. That's the key,...as long as I do not let it become an "option" or a possiblitly in my mind, I do really well. I made it almost 90 days,..and then another 30, before slipping up last week,..and it was all about me letting it "become an option in my mind",...and I let it snowball over a few days until I gave in. It wasn't because of an urge or a trigger,...I simply let my mind start having thoughts of...hey, I deserve it,...I've done so well,...I can always quit again...etc. and I was done.

So is it possible beat this?? Of course it is,..but it is up to each one of us individually. It's not magic and it's not something that wishing for or even praying for,..or a pill is going to whisk away without a battle. It takes a total shift in midset and attitude, to one of "it's just not an option for me any more". When you can finally say that...and mean it, you will beat it.

Go over to the main thread and read posts from "midwest sue" over the last few months and you will see the attitude I'm talking about, as it developes and takes shape. Same with "Carrol" or "Ruth", if you go back and read there posts from the beginning or there journies. Good luck,...you are in a good place!!