Contact
The author of this website is currently looking for other writers in recovery to network with.
If you have any questions about addiction or recovery, or if you would like to write a guest post (or have me guest post on your website), please email me at:
patrick.meninga@gmail.com
I will usually respond within 24 hours.
You can check out my full story right here, if you’d like.
John Hamilton Says:
I am a recovering addict and alcoholic….2 1/2 years clean and sober. I just wanted to say that I enjoy your website and i have passed it on to several people in my home group. If there’s anything I can do to help you, please just let me know.
tclian Says:
Hope to see more blogs like yours in blogging world in future
John M Says:
Finally, a resource that doesn’t just repeat the Big Book. 353 days sober so far and I will use your website and pass it along to others that it will help. Thank you.
Barbara Williams Says:
Hi, your story is very inspirying!I went to a rehab Dec31st 2007 and have been clean untik the same date 2008 I had a friend stay with me who is dying of aids{not his fault} but we were in the part together! I is a long story bottom line he told my family,which really all I have is my brother who pd.$ for rehab and he was kind but extremly disappointed! I am at a loss I told my brother the truth, but he has zero tolerance and was so proud of me! I don’t know If I should tell the rest of my family which I am sure they know>I have since the two days tlked to my sponsor and been to meetings.My problem was boyh wine and pain meds. I had a car wreck and major radical back sur. I could care less about drinking but he does not understnd the pain and th Dr.s know about the addiction and try everything non- narcotic – but it doen’t even put a dent in my pain, Please help me make my brother understand relapse and what do I do with so much pain. Thank You Barbara
Pat Fleming Says:
My boyfriend of many years has struggled with serious drug addiction and I’ve witnessed the pattern over and over. Right now I am watching him take that destructive path and I’m feeling so helpless. Even though his behaviors have been destructive to my life as well, I still just want him to be healthy and happy. He’s slipping away from me again and I feel so devastated. I know that he will end up back in jail again or maybe dead. Loving someone who is drug addicted is the worst thing in the world, I believe. I want to save him but I’m afraid I can’t. I need help. Any suggestions? Pat from NJ
Patrick Says:
Hi Pat F.
The first thing I would suggest you to do is to get to an Al-Anon meeting in your area, those people will be able to help you much more than any website.
Other than that, I would suggest reading the article on this website about how to help an addict.
Remember that you ultimately can not change your boyfriends behavior, all you can really do is set limits and boundaries and communicate those to him. Let him know what is acceptable and what isn’t in your relationship. You have to decide for yourself how long you can keep going like this if he refuses to get help. I wish I had more wisdom than that for you but their is not magic bullet for your situation….good luck and God bless you.
Pat R Says:
Having just come from the Al-Anon convention in my state(Connecticut), I was thrilled to read your suggestion to Pat F to attend Al-Anon. I have been a member for 31 yrs and am also an adult child of an alcoholic father who got sober via AA when I was in college and stayed sober until he died at age 77 in 1992. I quit drinking myself 16 years ago after my husband who had been sober for 9 years went back out due to a new addiction- gambling. My 15 yr old son was bothered by my occasional drinking and at that point I had to ask myself the ? why I was still drinking as I knew I was at risk for the disease. Today I am doing service at the District level as the Al-Anon Public Outreach Co-ordinator and try to carry the message that there is still hope and happiness for us thru our own spiritual recovery, whether our family member is still drinking or not. I was on line looking up a definition of spiritual action when I came upon your website. “There are no coincidences” are there. God bless you in your recovery and your spiritual action of helping others. Pat R
Patrick Says:
Wow, thanks so much for your comments there Pat R., sounds like you are making a huge impact on people’s lives with your service work! That is awesome, keep up the good work and thank you for stopping by. God bless…
melissa grant Says:
Could you sent me information on and about AA and NA plus addiction ?
Jen / domestika Says:
Congratulations on the new e-book, Patrick! And what a good thing to do for your readers! An ebook can help to carry the benefit of your first-hand experience to more people, so more people can learn to change their lives and/or help their loved ones to do it.
keith bray Says:
Patrick: I am a Life Transformation Coach who has an intimate knowledge of addictions. Recovery since 1994.
Look at http://www.hopeserenity.ca I need some help with the writing!
luv
Keith
keith bray Says:
First Steps-Do You Remember?
My parents and family have told me about my first steps. I certainly don’t remember them, but I am told I was an “early” walker.
Seems I was early at trying a lot of things-booze, girls, dope, motorcycles, lying, stealing, cheating! I was not early getting into a journey of recovery.
In many of my vices, I remember those first steps so well!
The first step on my journey to recovery I remember oh so well. The woman I loved announced she was leaving me, and in fact did so. This wasn’t the first step yet, but it sent me plummeting to a new bottom, a lower point in life than I’d ever been at.
I still had a house, still had cars, still had a job, still had some money, but had lost the person I cared most about. I went out of control emotionally. We sought a marriage coach because we loved each other, and it was this coach who led me to an addictions coach/mentor who got me to take that first step in the journey of recovery!!
Man, I remember that time in my life vividly!!
With a lot of help from others, I was introduced to a program of recovery, and worked with many others to take that first step; one of 12.
The first step told me that a group of people who had recovered, and many of whom were seemingly beyond help, had admitted that they were powerless over their addiction/or an addicted person, and their lives had become unmanageable.
Here I was a big shot in my own mind, seemingly reasonably successful to the outside world, all of the trappings. Me powerless? Me, the great manager, fixer, and controller of all around me, powerless?? My ego said no way, yet the small quiet voice said “Keith, it’s true, own it and move forward”.
That first step was real tough. Today I am properly proud that I had the courage to take the step, and follow the steps that gave me a spiritual awakening, a new purpose to life, and began a life long journey of loving life with no particular destination. As I’ve been taught, I’m trudging the road of happy destiny.
I’ve seen much discussion on the concept of powerlessness. Some say we are never powerless, and I can accept some of that logic. I have always had the power to make choices. When I made choices to take part in or use my mood altering “friends”, I was powerless over outcomes once I started. I had so many feelings stuffed inside of me that caused pain. I had no idea of how to identify these feelings and deal with them in a healthy way. My addictions were a temporary medication for the “soul” pain I felt, and at that first step, I was spiritually empty!
Unmanageable? Again, the outside world would look and think I had my “poop” together.
Few knew of the places I went late at night or the risks I took. I would hide my “dark side” and other life from people I knew. The love of my life was gone. I was crying a lot. My kids supported me the best they could, but were very concerned about my mental state and telling me I needed help. My good and loyal dog distanced himself from me (surprising how perceptive pets can be), I drove under the influence, people were pulling away from me, I suffered scrapes and bruises when I bumped into things; and more.
Unmanageable? My life?
In that first step, I remember accepting and then surrendering to the reality of the situation. It was humiliating and humbling, but the relief I got from that first step was indescribable. I didn’t have to lie and hide any more. Those who were coaching me and who had something I wanted told me that things would be OK, and that gave me hope!
I look back and remember each of my children, and now grand children, taking that first step. A little afraid, wobbly and uncertain, but knowing it was the time to do it and that they would be OK. Their first steps allowed them to explore a world bigger than anything they knew existed, and started them on a journey!
My first step in recovery began me on a journey to a life that I had not known as an adult, and I continue to walk this journey with determination, and humbled by the gifts of hope and serenity that I experience on a daily basis.
Is there a first step in an area of your life you need to take? I’m here to share and help.
keith bray Says:
Do You Ever Feel Alone? (Even in a crowd)
I am going to get back to the journey’s footprints soon; I’ve got to review the things done to free me from the past.
With a couple of things that happened during my Wednesday, it was great to feel comfortable in my own skin, and great to know I’m no longer alone.
Early this morning, I headed the car north east. The sun was just coming up and I was thrilled to experience the joy of a new day. I was in the car alone, and just enjoyed the ride. No radio or tapes to occupy my mind. This is something I could not have done before the journey to a new life began. My mind was occupied enough just “being”, enjoying what I was experiencing, and feeling that connected feeling inside. I wasn’t alone.
Just about a year ago now, my life took a huge bump that was totally unexpected, and extremely hard to deal with. Even in the new life I’ve chosen, there are some strange and twisted curves. I know that my higher power never gives me more than I can handle if I listen to the quiet voice inside. As dark turned to light, I knew I wasn’t alone. I was ready to hold my head high and face things.
Wednesday evening, I attended a meeting which was the last official function I had overseen a year ago. I was almost terrified to go because there was a piece of “hurt” that I would be facing. But go I did. I had always accepted honestly within me what had happened; I had made an error, but an error without dishonesty on my part. It was a real reminder that I am capable of bad judgment if I don’t trust instincts and I allow myself to be deceived. I had conscious contact during the entire meeting, got a good lesson in right sizing again, and was able to feel very good about the positives that had happened outside of the specific event failure. I also got to say a sincere thank you to some people that circumstances had not let me see in a year! My terror at being there was totally unjustified, and I was not alone at all.
I remember, from something I heard at another function Wednesday evening, the times I would be at work gatherings, social events and the like, and feel alone. Mood altering substances were my answer to fitting in. I never felt that I belonged or was anyone’s “best” friend, and extended time alone was agony. I was often alone amongst people. I know many have felt this way and if they’re honest, can easily relate. Are you one of them?
As noted, today I am no longer alone, even if there is no other human around. I’ve got a “me” whose company I enjoy, and in quiet moments, if I stay out of my way and allow myself to see, hear and feel, there is a spirit within me, and all that is around me, that gives me comfort, and for that I am grateful.
Do you ever feel alone, even when there are others around? I work with clients to help them find an abundant space in which they experience hope and serenity, and are never alone!
Thanks Ralph for your thoughts that triggered this.
Rachel Says:
I need help for my son. He was an A student in high school. During his first year at Univ.of MI, he turned into someone I don’t know or understand. He dropped out of school his spring sophomore semester and drove out west. In April he rolled his car and almost killed himself. The police officer didn’t give him a DUI, I thought this was a blessing, now I think it was a curse. He is now living at home. He puts on a good front for everyone, but I, his mother, know better. I cannot talk to him. I arranged for a therapist for him. I thought it was helping for a while. He is so talented, bright and could do anything with his life, yet he chooses unhealthy friends and destructive behavior over family and his bright future. What can I do? I am watching him destroy himself. I am sleepless with worry.
m morgan Says:
I am interested in connecting with counselors/facilities who utilize a wholistic approach to treating addictions…nutrition, exercise, counseling, relaxation…are you aware of any in Floriday…preferably Central Florida? If not are there listings nation wide that use this approach?
M Morgan
Sheree Says:
Hi Patrick, your site is intrigueing and I wonder if you have ever advised on non-substance addiction. I am a sex addict who has benefitted from the 12 step approach but find that it is not the whole story. As I sponsor others I am always interested in new techniques which could help myself and of course others in recovery.
Patrick Says:
Hi there Sheree
I have never considered the application of the creative theory of recovery to other addictions such as sex or gambling, but I would imagine that the same principles would apply.
I still believe that the 12 steps are a valid path and an excellent tool, but as you say, they are not the whole story. There is growth to be had beyond the 12 step model.
Good luck to you Sheree, and thanks for your comment.
Keith Bray Says:
Using a Life Coach for Addiction Recovery
A dream is just a dream. A goal is a dream with a plan and deadline behind it.
As I went through a major process to determine what I wanted to focus on for the rest of my life, the answer finally came to me:
Helping others.
Specifically, coaching them to success.
I went through a very thorough educational process to become certified as a LIFE Coach. It was strongly suggested that I have a coaching niche. While I am currently coaching people in goal setting, life accomplishments, and general growth and development, my chosen niche is working with people impacted by addictions….not as a councillor or therapist, but as a coach. “Hope & Serenity” describes my niche practice.
I have a very unique background that made me gravitate to this area. Currently, I am involved with the 12 step program of AA and very active in service work. That being said, I have also hired and still use coaches in my journey today.
Coaching works. I have seen this to be true over and over again in my life.
Why? I thank my friend Patrick Meninga from the Spiritual River for his input to this blog.
A life coach can help you break free from the strong hold addiction has over you. No longer will you feel compelled to use drugs or alcohol to overcome issues in your life. Sometimes, especially in early recovery, we can become our own worst enemy. A life coach can help you learn how to hold yourself accountable, as well as to help motivate you to pursue goals that you otherwise might have thought unimportant to your recovery.
How is a Life Coach Different from a Sponsor?
The biggest difference is that a sponsor helps you from their perspective, based on their background, whereas a life coach helps you from your perspective and your background. The emphasis shifts from “how can I help the addict work the program” to “how can we customize this program to best fit the needs of this individual?” Thus, life coaching can potentially be a much more powerful and flexible approach to recovery.
Sometimes a sponsor in recovery tries to make a square peg go into a round hole, if you know what I mean. They try to mould their sponsee to fit the program. If the sponsee fails and ends up relapsing, they don’t blame the program or the rigid style of sponsorship….instead they blame the individual! This crazy approach plays itself out over and over again in recovery programs throughout the world.
With a life coach, the situation is reversed. Instead of trying to fit the square sponsee into the round program, a good life coach will guide the recovering addict through a custom program that works for them; that is tailor made to their unique situation and personality. In other words, the life coach changes the shape of the hole, not the shape of the recovering addict!
For example, some recovering addicts excel in a group setting, and they thrive on AA meetings. But there are also some recovering addicts who are leery of sharing in front of groups, and prefer a one-on-one setting. A life coach can meet this need with grace and flexibility. The typical sponsor will just keep banging away though, trying to fit this poor square addict into the round hole of traditional recovery.
It is in this way that life coaching can go beyond traditional methods of sponsorship, unlocking the full potential of the individual through skilful coaching and program customization.
Beginning Your Addiction Recovery
A Life Coach can help you through the entire recovery process of your addiction. Once you decide you are ready to get help with your addiction, you can employ a Life Coach to help you stay motivated through your recovery. Trained life coaches will use the same principles of 12 step programs, and will have first hand experience with recovery. They will listen to you, and if you require, work with you in 100% privacy and confidentiality. Many people want to begin recovery in total privacy.
Physical dependence
In the beginning, your life coach can help you find treatment centers so you can get over the physical dependence you have on the substances. Not everyone needs a treatment center to get over an addiction but it is an effective way to receive the medical supervision while your body goes through withdrawal. Your coach can discuss treatment options.
Emotional dependence
Treatment centers will also provide support to you through your emotional dependence to these substances. Usually people use substances because situations in their life cause them to use substances to help them through problems. Once you are not physically dependent on the drugs and alcohol you can start attacking the other reasons for your cravings. Coaching will focus on you and finding and harnessing your strengths (not unlike coaching an athlete).
Hope & Serenity has associations with health care professionals and treatment facilities.
Life Coaching after Treatment
After you complete a treatment center or you have successfully withdrawn from the substances, your recovery is just beginning. You will need to continue to work towards not using substances in your life especially when life doesn’t go the way you would like it to. This is when a life coach can help prevent you from relapsing. Relapse means you go back to using your drug of choice whether it is one time or more than once.
Your life coach will help you find ways to de-stress your life and maintain balance each day so you don’t get overwhelmed to the point in which you feel you need to “use” to find relief. Your life coach will check in with you as often as you need through phone, e-mail or in person. This means that your life coach will be on top of how you are feeling and if you are experiencing any triggers for your substance use.
Many life coaches will allow you to call him or her any time of day or night just like a sponsor. You can call your life coach if you are craving. You can talk about how you are feeling and your life coach can work through it with you. Your life coach will keep you focused on your personal goals for your life.
Conclusion
The most important thing to keep in mind is that with a life coach you will not be alone in the process of recovery. You will have an experienced and trained coach on YOUR team. Family and friends can be excellent support systems for you but a life coach can give you an unbiased view. Your life coach will never judge you and will LISTEN TO what YOU are thinking and feeling with an open mind. Don’t go through addiction recovery on your own, a life coach can help you get through this difficult time in your life.
Your Life Coach will help you to build a game plan for life through goal setting, hold you accountable, and harness your own strengths to succeed in life.
Hope & Serenity is a coaching service focus on addiction recovery and is on the web at http://www.hopeserenity.ca.
We believe in a holistic, balanced approach to the journey of recovery.
Vivian Says:
In a world full of changes, it is nice to know that in my inbox everyday I will find the Spiritual River filled with wisdom and inspiration. Keep it up Patrick and thanks for all you do…
Keith Bray Says:
Redefining Work
More support for “The Creative Theory of Recovery”
I’ve been privileged to walk this earth for a while, do some great things, travel and work with interesting and progressive people. I’ve also seen far too many talented people what I would call “under achieve their hopes and dreams” because they don’t know how to make it happen.
I have been on a journey of life recovery for many years, and a part of getting an abundant life is living with out addictive substances and behaviours that took joy away. I am grateful for the positive journey I’ve been allowed to experience, but I’ve worked hard at it and had a ton of help.
In the area of addictions, less than 5% of those who go to a 12 step meeting or rehab centre put together 5 years free of their addiction of choice. This is scary and I’ve watched it first hand.
I think the same type of statistics is true for non-addictive people also. Few achieve the life they dream of over the long haul. Think about your life and the lives of people you know well.
I have studied a large group of people who have made positive changes in their lives, and maintained the positive direction over a long period of time.
Earlier I mentioned “WORK” and thought the thoughts I received from Hazelden were really worth sharing, and relevant to my current project.
“Without work all life goes rotten.
– Albert Camus
Most would not think of work as a prize. That is often due to the concept we have of work.
Work can be that of an artist, the work of creation. Such work is not the response to a whistle or the boring activity that follows a punched time card. Creative work is the fullest human expression of being alive. It comes from the inside out and has no boss other than an inner demand to create a thing of beauty that previously did not exist.
The primary task of human beings is to creatively work at making our lives a remarkable thing of beauty. Whether we be butcher, baker, or candlestick maker there is always the opportunity to make a truly creative effort of a life’s work by pounding out our dents and polishing that which is already beautiful. When we understand that life is the medium and we are the canvas, our efforts to improve become an exciting challenge rather than a boring task.”
Together with a brilliant man by the name of Patrick Meninga (www.spiritualriver.com) who has developed the term, written extensively about it and much more, I believe when fully put into practise “THE CREATIVE THEORY of LIFE RECOVERY’ is something that will harness creative work, and improve the statistics noted earlier.
It is my intention to incorporate this expansive thinking into action through coaching. Any and all that read this and have an interest are invited to go to http://www.hopeserenity.ca and share their thinking on what leads to life recovery long term.
tom merwarth Says:
i notice the cover on you book and you seen to be in a robe-i am headed to deer park monastery in ca–vitnames teache TNH ? does this ring a bell
Patrick Says:
I am not a real monk, Tom. I don’t even have a robe, to be honest. But I would like to think I am on a spiritual path regardless, and that’s why I drew that little guy on my computer.
Peace and blessings to you, Tom!
Keith Bray Says:
Tonight, I HEARD A MIRACLE!
I’m very fortunate, the things I’m involved in and the new life I’ve been given allow me to be positive about life most of the time. I also have a sense of realism. I have had the good fortune to see tremendous growth in the lives of others on a frequent basis and in nearly every aspect of life; jobs, careers, family, spirituality, motivation, success and more.
There are some that realism tells me, just can’t get it despite the best efforts of “others”. Some of these people die, some just get continuously more miserable.
Tonight, I heard a miracle.
One of the people I care deeply about in my life gave me a call as is his habit. We had driven to an event together yesterday morning, and much about the season and living had been said in the car and at the meeting. The person I drove home had become deeply reflective over the course of the meeting. This was a man I really wondered about. A man who I thought maybe one of those “less fortunate’s” when it came to dealing with HIS living issues.
I was out Saturday night and wasn’t here to take his call. I did notice something different in the voice I heard on the message he left on my machine.
Tonight we talked. A light has come on with my “friend”, he heard and listened intently to a voice inside of him, and understood what the voice has been telling him. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED ANYMORE. JUST SURRENDER. The exact message I had got some fourteen plus years ago. I had listened intently to the same message and received a dose of n hope for the first time in years. I related to what my “friend” said; I have had the same experience. I pray that the change stays within him.
This holiday season, even though “the feeling” is new, I know he will experience the best Christmas he has had in many. He will be able to just “BE” for himself and his family. There will be a lot less that he will have to control and prove. I say tongue in cheek; he may stay out of his own way and enjoy what the “spirit” of the season is. He certainly, on an intellectual basis, has the tools. I think a spiritual side may have just kicked in! A miracle after knowing this fellow for many years. Let us all hope that my “friend”, and others just like him, who have experienced a “moment of clarity” right before the holidays, carry it with them throughout. They will have a positive impact on many around them.
Its funny, hearing that a new light has come on within my friend uplifts my soul in a powerful way. Seeing him and his family truly enjoy the “Spirit” of the season, without my friend sabotaging it, will be a great gift. What I heard tonight is truly a miracle, and we are pledged to work forward based on the foundation this moment of clarity has created. Tonight, I loved hearing this miracle.
My friend will now start a co-creative process of life recovery. I am thrilled to be an invited part of his journey. To be able to be a co-creative with him and others is what my personal mission is all about. Help others start on this journey. Assistance is available to those who visit http://www.creativeliferecovery.com and reach out. More miracles can start in 2008!!
I am truly blessed to have heard this miracle!
Keith Bray Says:
SLIP SLIDING AWAY
There was a great old song by the name Slip Sliding Away. I really don’t know why this ran through my head, maybe because of some of the day’s issues.
I am in a 12 Step program, have working relationships with a couple of rehab centers, am a partner in coaching with a recovered alcoholic/ addict, prolific young writer who works at a treatment facility and I work with “others” on a daily basis-both in person and on line.
Over 95% of people who start on an addiction recovery journey DON’T make it. I am told we should focus on those who do, and being one of them, I appreciate the miracle they are. I would guess that nearly the same % of “normies” who attempt major life changes do not make it.
It keeps Slip Sliding Away.
My life’s purpose is to do anything I can to help a higher % of people to recover. My mission is to coach recovery one person at a time. How? The Co-Creative Purpose of Life Recovery. Blogging is a tool I use in my own recovery, and hopefully, my blogs help one or two. If not, they are helping me.
Relapse or failure to recover is a planned activity; it is a conscious choice people make. They fight recovery tooth and nail, cry out for help and want others to fix them! They are generally not prepared to go to ANY length and do the hard work that is needed to recover. They want what recovered people have, yet believe that they are “unique” and can do it their way.
I’ve buried too many of these people. Bright people with a lot to offer the world, but people who offer themselves and the ones they are closest to very little. Harsh, but in my experience, true. The best place for them to find sympathy is in Webster’s, between s**t and syphilis. Sympathy is there 24/7. Want recovery; be prepared for the truth, not what you want to hear and how you want to hear it!! Death is forever, recovery is for today.
Those who need major life change have let the pendulum swing way out to an extreme. Hallmarks are selfishness, apparently big ego, and low self-esteem and so on. Funny, the consistent in recovering life is selfishness. To get it, you must be prepared to let the pendulum swing to the other extreme, and learn how to love you selfishly for you. Early recovery or change means doing almost the exact opposite to what you have been doing, and that goes against the grain.
Gradually, with a holistic approach to life and recovery, with a lot of learned behavior, with a psychic change, life moves into a range with the middle as a norm. You will no longer be the center of your universe.
There is tons of help available, and there is no “one” way to make change and recover. If what you are doing isn’t working, do something different. This isn’t rocket science. Got medical issues, go get “professional” help, don’t ask an unqualified person in recovery. Would you let a person in recovery who is not a dentist fix your teeth? Even with people in recovery, take a hard look at the length and quality of the recovery of the people who are giving you advice. People new to recovery can give support and share personal life experiences, but it is hard to give advice on issues you haven’t dealt with. It is always fun to hear a newcomer give advice on, say, step 10. Lots of help around, lots of support, but get advice from those qualified to give it! Lets all work to move the success % upward.
Well I really liked the song Slip Sliding Away; I hate to see it happen to people who are trying to recover a new and better life. There are certain things that are within my power that may make a difference, and it is my mission to use the talents, training and experience I have to make a difference, to lessen the Slip Sliding Away.
Want to look at an option with reasonable cost and a money back guarantee, see http://www.creativeliferecovery.com. It’s for those struggling who really want it!
Give yourself and those you care about the best gift you can, a gift that last a lifetime if you chose I; contented recovery. If you REALLY want it and are prepared to be honest and work, you’ll stop the Slip Sliding away and seize it!!
Keith Bray Says:
CHRISTMAS FROM THE HEART
Not being a “religious” person, Christmas for me has a slightly different meaning than my “Christian” believer friends. It is a time for family and friends a time for sharing joy, a time to reach out to a few that are less fortunate and share what we have. It is also a time that is more emotionally charged than most periods of the year.
Allow me to wish you “All the Best of the “Spirit” of the Season”, and may the holidays and 2009 see joy grow in your life! Remember, we all need to be grateful for what we DO have.
Over this season, I get reflective, and will begin my annual run through the steps over the holidays. A good way to start a new calendar year! I like them simple, and will blog my simple look at them.
Christmas as a kid was a wondrous time. We had a large family, and all got together. I always felt the love, and remember looking out the attic window of my grand parents house (where we slept on Xmas eve) always watching for Santa, and falling asleep watching.
Memories of the tree, of present’s galore, of feeling safe, and that wondrous gift every year, a new hockey stick from Uncle Bill! Booze was not a part of our family celebrations. It truly was a special time of the year for me!
For a long time this feeling of being safe disappeared. I became an adult in years, but emotional growth lagged behind. The safe feeling was replaced with the challenge of trying to meet expectations; a challenge that for a long time was not met. I could feel empty and alone in a room full of family and friends over the holiday season, and feel depression. I could throw material things out there, but could not simply “BE’ there and enjoy. It was sad, and I know others have the same feeling. I had found my own way to numb the pain inside, at least for a while.
If YOU NEED TO REACH OUT TO SOMEONE OVER THE HOLIDAYS, PARTICULARLY ON CHRISTMAS DAY, CALL 905-477-7972. A friendly voice and “hearing’ ear will be there! Your call will be a welcome present.
Today, Christmas and the holidays are something I enjoy, and just enjoy being a small part of things. I watch the wonderment of our grand children, the bonding of our family and the pleasure all who gather have in the fellowship and spirit of the day. I love the food and the music and the ability to laugh from the heart. I am blessed that by loving myself unconditionally, I can love those around me in the same way.
This joy of the season is a gift that the journey of life recovery has given me; a gift like no other and a gift I love to work with others to receive. It is there for all who want it and are prepared to do the work to get it. This season, in particular, reminds me of that. While I chose to live free of mood altering substances, what I love is the life the process of recovery has rewarded me with.
As a family, we will be spending a lot of time together over the next week. We have visiting to do with the French speaking distant relatives, and I have some “Grampy” activity planned. I will not be at the computer daily, and funny enough, the world will run just fine without me.
I am blessed to be able to share these wanderings with many. Thank you for being here at least in cyber, and may the god of your understanding give you internal hope, serenity, joy and abundance. Enjoy, you deserve it, and feel free to use the phone number!
Ho! Ho! Ho! And my eyes are twinkling!!!!
Finally, a reading that I have to remember that just came in, and will be at the forefront as I go through the season:
. [To] take something from yourself, to give to another, that is humane and gentle and never takes away as much comfort as it brings again.
–Thomas More
We take different kinds of pleasure in giving. Perhaps the purest is the gift to a child so young it doesn’t really know who the gift came from; the pure joy that the teddy bear or pull-toy produces is our regard, unmixed by any expectation of return.
When children get older, we want something back from them: gratitude, respect. The gift is less pure. When lovers exchange gifts, their pleasure is often tinged with anxiety: Did I give more that I got? Did I get more than I gave? Or with power: He’ll always remember where he got that shirt; she owes me something for the fur jacket.
To friends and relations our gifts reflect many things: our appreciation of their lives, our shared memories, our prosperity. We tend to give in a spirit of self-expression.
Perhaps the closest we can come to a pure gift is an anonymous one; a gift of volunteer work, of blood, or a contribution to a charity. Such a gift which can never be acknowledged or returned by those it comforts can heal our spirits when they are wearied by too much ego.
The gift of myself can be a gift to myself.
Keith Bray Says:
Partick: a question for you and your readers to contemplate!
HOW MUCH DOES LIFE COST?
This question, when I saw it, really peaked my interest.
We live in unusual financial times, and times that to boil things down to their simplest, have been caused by human greed pure and simple. My life has been directly impacted even though I followed what the conservative wise told me to do; but not impacted in as dire a way as many. I think we all have been touched. So, how much does life cost?
“The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life, which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.
–Henry David Thoreau
Consider the young man who was doing great in his high school studies, then suddenly started to fall behind. One day, a teacher pulled the young man aside and asked him what happened. The student told him that he had asked his father for a car, and the father told him that if he earned the money, he could have one. The student, being industrious and hard working, went out, got a job, saved the money, and bought the car. But then the car needed insurance, gas, and maintenance, so the student kept the job to keep up the car. The job took up more and more of his time, until finally he began to fall behind in his studies.
“Why don’t you just get rid of the car?” asked the teacher.
“Get rid of the car?” came the reply. “How would I get to my job?”
How often we feel that if we just get that new car, that new boyfriend or girlfriend, that promotion, or the condo in the good neighbourhood, we will find happiness and contentment — only to discover that the thing just brings with it more pain, more costs, and more bother than it’s worth. The new sports car runs only half the time, the new partner needs more care than your dog, the promotion eats up your weekends, and the new condo won’t allow pets.
Things don’t bring true happiness. Instead, they often sap your strength and leave you emptier than you were before. Think about the true cost of a thing before you pursue it in time, lifestyle changes, energy, maintenance and money. Can you really afford the amount of life that the thing will take from you in return for the happiness it brings? Are you willing to pay the price?
God, help me be aware of the true cost of the things in my life.”
I have been on a journey of life recovery for many years. When I started, I had no real concept of what it cost me to lose my self-respect and hit my low point. With a journey that includes much reflection, I am staggered by the costs- and costs more valuable than just money- that were incurred.
I see it in relationships, particularly with my children. I see it in things I should have accomplished but didn’t, and of course being a person who lived high for the day and with grandiosity, I see it in my financial situation. Don’t get me wrong, I see it, accept it, and do the best I can do in the day and do not regret my past. I have a better idea of what life cost me by appreciating and being grateful for the chances afforded me and the things that happened that allowed me to positively accept those chances. Man, to get to where I am it cost a lot!
Do yourself a favor and take a few minutes to reflect today on how much life has cost you. If you’ve had an awakening and have things going the right way, congratulations and share your “hows” with others. If you don’t like the answers you are getting, and you continue to pay a price that is too high, feel free to get in touch with me at khbray@hopeserenity.ca. Perhaps my experience can help point you on a new path.
Keith Bray Says:
10:16:16 by KeithB
SERENITY-TODAY
Thought to Ponder . . .Serenity isn’t freedom from the storm; it is peace within the storm.
A quiet gray, misty and peaceful morning in Lindsay, Ontario located in the Kawartha Lakes region of southern Ontario. My wife has been in Quebec the last couple of days to be with a sister she is very close with and who had a spinal tap last Friday. My wife’s first language is French, and she has a freedom to speak it with her family when the millstone of her unilingual husband is not present! I accepted the need for her to periodically immerse in Quebecois culture years ago.
Several years ago I would have gone out of my mind spending large quantities of time alone. I would have acted out, gone to places that were not healthy for me or sought company in other ways because I had no serenity, no peace within and hated extended periods of my own company.
Through a series of “coincidences”, a lot of hard work, harnessing the expertise of others and a sincere desire to find and enjoy on expanding basis serenity and peace within, to a certain level, I now enjoy my time alone with me and my higher power. Co-Creatively (because others, including my Higher Power worked with me) I have undergone a process that has given me a more abundant life than I ever dreamed of and a real gift. Serenity is a gift, and gift I am grateful for on a daily basis.
Many I run into have racing minds that they can’t shut down, a constant theatre going on in their heads. They tell me oft times this movie runs all night and they awake in an agitated step. Blackberries and cell phones are with them the proverbial 24/7 (they must be crucial to the world’s functioning) and they have forgotten how to relax. Many today likely can’t spell the word serenity, let alone experience it. I watch them wear down and remember when I was living the same way. Do minds wear out?
It is truly a blessing to feel serenity in the moment right now, in the day and in nearly every day. I can now meditate properly because my mind is not running rampant 24/7, I appreciate meditation is not just reading something from a meditation or reflections book but being able to stop and take the time to focus on the meaning and impact of what I’ve read; in periods of high stress and personal turbulence, with conscious recognition of where my mind is going, I can shut it down and visually take myself to a place of peace if only for a moment. Most importantly, through the process, I have the ability to just “be” there for others and as importantly, for myself. At this moment I am serene and grateful for it!
I was searching for the spark of hope in my life, and to find increasing levels of serenity on a daily basis. I wanted out of the express lane of life because the price was too high and I was going to die young and lonely. What I call and coach today the “Creative Process of Life Recovery” has brought me to a place where I can truly enjoy the peace found within a quiet, gray misty morning. It is a gift I worked hard to get, and get great joy working with others to see them find as meaningful place in their lives. If you are interested in exploring this further, I can be reached at khbray@hopeserenity.ca. To all, may you find at least a moment of true serenity in your life today!
Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of serenity.
- As Bill Sees It, p. 173
Thought to Ponder . . .Serenity isn’t freedom from the storm; it is peace within the storm.
A. F. Flisa Says:
Hi,
Newly sober again… sober 3 years and relapsed for 7. Feeling lost, alone, sad, afraid, angry, hurt, scared, scarred, defective, yet, some moments hopeful. Thanks for the nice blog to give me some hope.
Klaus Says:
hallo,very inspiering website,i couldn’t find anything motivating like this in german.you are creating and helping others.I hope i can apply it to my life.
BT Says:
I’d love to have a pen pal minimally to communicate about alcohol. I am 39. I did not try a drink until 23. I very rarely drank until about 2 years ago. I got into a hobby where people seem to be drinking a lot and hopped aboard…
Now I find myself stocking my cupboards with fine rum and whiskey! I hate it. I drink it. I hate myself in the morning. I never imagined I would worry about drinking too much, but here I am. I can usually stop for 5 or 6 days then I come up with a reason for “a drink” which turns into a 3 to 6 day binge.
Delma Says:
I hope you are well. Was looking for info on how to help my 30 year old alcoholic son, who is in denial. Your site has given my family some help with strategies to do this. We are at the very beginning. Today my son has no job, home, car, food and has not seen his child for four months. It made me very sad to see him. I want my boy back. I told him I could only help with the rehab part. He said thanks but no problem. I wish you peace and happiness.
christy Says:
i have currently been off of hydrocodone for a full month now, from aug 7th to sept 9th, i feel great and have went through all withdrawls, at first they are hard but keep your mind in the right place and all will be good, i have two children and when they notice somthing is wrong with you and all the meds you are taking you seriously have a problem, i am keeping my head above water and enjoying life at its fullest ,for all that has a problem think about all you have in life and ask yorself is it worth losing over a STUPID med that doctors dont mind giving you for the simple pains you have and then you become dependant apon them……..KEEP YOUR HEAD ABOVE WATER IT WILL GET BETTER….DO NOT TAKE TYLENOL it seems to make you want the hydrocodone i take ibprofen for all my pains now…….tramadol is addictive also BE CAREFUL TAKING IT TOO.GOOD LUCK TO ALL WHO IS GETTING OFF OF THE DRUGS
Patrick Says:
Hi there Christy, and thank you for your input on getting off the opiate pills. Sounds like you have had some ups and downs but have finally found a path that works for you. Interesting point too about the Tylenol making you crave the drug, I will be sure to watch out for that idea when talking with others, including at the rehab where I work. Thanks for your comment.
Tara Says:
Just starting my new life of sobriety and love to hear others success and input. I am 37 yrs old and have been abusing alcohol for the past 23 years. Any advice would be appreciated.
Frank Chovitz, MS, LADC Says:
Hi Patrick,
Just wanted to give you the address of my new web site, and the start of my private practice in cheshire, Connecticut. The group practice is called Creative Counseling Center. Note the “Creative “part. I am sharing space with Healthstyle, which is a wellness and fitness practice. this fits like a glove into the “holistic” model, and hopefully will get my patients up and working out. I thank you again for all of your knowlege and ideas about recovery in general and your recovery experiences. Hope you can check out my web site and tell me what you think. (it is a work in progress of course)
MICHELLE Says:
Dear patrick, i think this is great web site and i wish you lots of luck! Here is my problem i have a 21 year old daughter hooked on heroin iv and what ever other drugs she can get. I know she has shared needles she prostitutes she lives with pimps, streets, she is a mess it’s killing me. One time i found her i didn’t know it was her she was so thin and sick looking by the grace of god she came with me to get help. But in detox 4 days latter she split and went back to the streets i died inside again. I went looking for her once again she cursed and ran all i wanted to do is to tell her we are here if your ready to try again. She has been on the streets for 5 months weighs 80lbs has had 3 abscesses , collapsed veins, has accidental overdosed she speaks with no one in the family don’t know if she’s alive or dead? This makes me so sick and undefeated!!!!!! They say you have to hit rock bottom my gosh if this isn’t rock bottom i guess it would be her death? I am so lost i went to a few meetings they are so so i am so sad!!!!! Thanks for letting me vent
Patrick Says:
Hang in there Michelle….prayers for your daughter, sounds like she needs a miracle. They do happen so don’t lose hope….
Jat 400 Says:
Dear Patrick: I have a 24 year old niece that is ruining her life and her parents by abusing alcohol, cocaine and presciption drugs. She is a college graduate, has a good job for now (she was suspended a while back and this is her last chance). I had not seen her myself for several months until yesterday. I have never been close to her but I still love her because she is my family. Our mother died two years ago and I guess I feel that I need to do something to help my brother and sister-in-law deal with this. My brother is 58, still works and is in pretty good health although he is diabetic; my sister-in-law has had breast cancer and is a survivor (thank God) for 8 years now. I am afraid, though, that this is going to take away their physical and mental health soon if something is not done. As I said above, I saw my niece and I could not believe how she turned on her mother out of the blue because she wouldn’t give her any more money. She had been doing some better and my brother let her have the car back but she was out Sat. night and got stopped for drinking but actually she was not over the limit; they ransacked her purse, car, etc. and wouldn’t let her go on to the house she just recently started renting with two other girls. So, my brother and his wife had to get up at 2:30 in the morning and drive about an hour to where she was or they were going to take her to jail. This kind of behavior has been going on for about 4 months now. There is just too much to tell but she had been staying with a guy that is now in jail for drugs and that is why she wound up back at home for awhile. She has been able to go to work and stay at home until she recently rented the house with the two other girls. She had a bad staph infection a couple of times and some other problems and was prescribed Lortabs. Well, she abuses this along with alcohol, and cocaine so I have been told. I saw her go from calm to mean in matter of minutes. I have had my suspicions that she may even have bipolar disease. I have read somewhere that cocaine and other drugs can in fact trigger chemical imbalances in the brain along with the regular symptoms of drug abuse. Of course, according to her there is nothing wrong with her; it’s everyone else that is wrong. Even when she was suppose to be “normal”, she was never happy or satisfied or something was always wrong. So, after she started with the drugs (she has been drinking since high school but I don’t think it was out of control then), I think something has triggered this type of behavior and I think it is more than the drugs. I have a friend who has a brother that is bipolar and these episodes remind me of him. Also, my son-in-law’s brother became bipolar after he got out of high school and was on medication until he committed suicide at age 38 where they found other drugs besides the normal meds. I just see a pattern here. My niece is a pretty girl for now but it seems she has lost all pride in herself. I don’t know why she wants to live this way and put her parents through this living hell. She does not wear a seat belt and my brother is so afraid to even answer the phone at work or at night. I wish I knew what to say to her that will make a difference. My sister-in-law has told me recently that they don’t know either what to do but I tend to agree with her that she needs to just let her go and do what she wants to do and to leave them alone. They are tired of all of this but they got hopeful when she came home (I think only because the guy went to jail). And, I think she hangs around only to get money from them. Her paycheck goes to direct deposit but something went wrong with that because of some bad checks. She will have another paycheck soon so she might be gone after that. I think my brother was trying to keep her out of jail so she could keep her job. I don’t know the answer and I have tried to get them to go to the local places in town that can help THEM deal with this. I got so upset over this awhile back, I had to distance myself because it was making me sick. I am sorry this is so long. I want to send her the link to this website but I don’t know if I need to at her work place. I did send this to my sister-in-law but I don’t think she read any of it. Of course, everyone that knows has been praying for her. Thanks for reading and for any advice you can give.
Scott F Says:
Could you please send me information about your program by tomorow I need to find some place that fits my situation. Thank you
wellagain Says:
I discovered this web sight and it’s giving me hope. Thank You! I am recovering OA and all of the principals of AA and NA transfer, except food is all around and needed in our lives everyday! The traditional program has not been working for me and here Patrick has it all together in Spiritual River, what I have been feeling for years…Back and forth to meetings, I’m thinking, why is this not working? I attracted the unhealthy people on recovery!! OMG…. In many ways the meetings were, are, and can keep me in the addiction….I do not respond well to fear based principles. But I am also not La La La, out there in religious addiction etc…transferring addictions, weather it be sex, drinking, internet, shopping,
I have found a recovery meeting in my ommunity, with what I consider, healthy individuals that are working on a wholistic recovery program…12 steps are great, but not the end all! I have been struggling for 5 years, and thats after 7 years of abstinent eating. I am grateful today.
I now have new eyes to see, and the support needed to be creative! Plus break out of the “If you say anything other than 12 step language, your doomed!” lifestyle. Other OA’ers I would like to hear from, Thank you.
Kathy
Patrick Says:
Thanks for your comments, Kathy. Sounds like you are doing well on your journey again. God bless….
Sienna Says:
Patrick
I know I haven’t been in touch but just want you to know that your work is really inspirational. It matters. You’re even seasonal. Thanks so much. Have a lovely holiday. I know I’ll need you at some point and that I know you’re there is deeply comforting x
Keith Bray Says:
SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS!?
I sit hear looking over a snow covered field with sun shining on it. A great time for reflection as Christmas day rapidly approaches.
I can’t help but to reflect back on some of those Christmas’ past.
Christmas is and always has been an emotionally charged time of year for me. My recollections of childhood Christmas are positive, it was a day I was able to return to the womb of extended family and it was safe and secure; a time of marvel and honestly, a time of receiving.
As an adult, and with children of my own, things changed. I became a keeper of secrets and a vessel full of emotions that were stuffed inside; I did not want others to see them. I found ways to escape reality and they were not healthy for me or others around me. Christmas was a time of false expectations, of hopes that because they were unrealistic, were not met. A time where the day after was a day of depression and real let down.
So this became Christmas, a time I really did not enjoy. A day that showed me how lacking I was in real emotional bonding.
Christmas Eve was usually a time I stopped at my favourite watering hole under the guise of an auction to help the needy. I gathered with my merry bands that were as emotionally off base as me. We drank, got “merry”, got soppy as the evening progressed, and overdid the charity thing to try to feel better and righteous. Then I would head home.
Of course, on Christmas morning I was not on top of my game, and those who were most important to me felt the effect. Ho! Ho! HO!
Things happened as they had to, and I began the process of co-creative life recovery. As I recovered, Christmas took on a new meaning because of what happened inside of me. It truly has been a miracle!
I am exposed to many people today who talk and show the dread I felt years ago about Christmas. It is emotionally draining for them, they are facing depression caused in part by huge stress and knowing what they really want to happen simply won’t. I have compassion for these folks and can relate to what they are feeling. In my own way and as best I can, I try to give each a gift…….acceptance, love and hope.
For many, this is Christmas, a tough time of the year!
I am so grateful for the miracles I have been blessed with in my life. I am thankful that from somewhere I got the courage to change, reached out, and did the hard and emotionally draining work I had to do. I am looking forward to Christmas day!
There is no doubt that the lead up to Christmas is challenging. Emotions do run higher, there is the activity of purchasing some gifts, social activities pick up, and all the things we all experience. My wife, god bless her, has a burden that I can only partly share in getting ready for the onslaught of family. Ah yes, this is Christmas.
That being said, because of the miracle of recovery, I am truly looking forward to the day. I feel good within, and this will reflect on how I interact with those who will be here for the day, those who I dearly love. I will not be depressed and will be able to enjoy the gleeful chaos that will unfold around us led by grand children who love me for just being Grampy!
Christmas night we will have the pleasure of being joined at dinner by people who do not have family to spend time with, and good cheer and laughs will be exchanged, and not cheer in liquid form.
There is a good feeling that comes with being able to share with others, and this is a great gift.
So this is Christmas. What a difference from that dreaded day that I lived pre-recovery. It truly is a miracle. If the miracle was there for me, it is there for all. You just have to reach out and have the courage to change. For this guy, it was well worth it!
I am fortunate that many do read my ramblings. As you go into Christmas, please share on this site or at http://www.hopeserenity.ca what you are feeling as you go into this highly emotional day! It feels good to get the inside outside.
To all, may you find some peace, serenity and hope over this season. You owe it to yourself. For those who “hate” the holidays, give thought to giving yourself a gift for next year, the recovery of a life that you’ll love. I did way back when and am grateful for what has followed.
Steven Porter Says:
Hello Patrick,
I came across your blog and we seems we have both been down the drug road and now we want to give back. I stated a blog called http://www.onlineaddictionhelp.com ITs not complete but it will soon. Maybe we could work together in some way I live in Toronto Canada. When I was an addicted to oxycontin my life was hell and I went on the methadone programe for almost 2 years it worked great for me and now I have been off methadone for 7 month now.
Well just wanted to say hi.
Steven Porter
Dona Says:
I am the Mother of a 20 year old heroin addict. He overdosed a month ago and told he would be dead in a month if his behavior continued. I would like to throw out some non-conventional ideas to help him and see what you all think, and yes, we have tried many of the more common options available. I am desperate to help him.
Start a website sight called TEAM (Name)
Invite all friends, even the bad ones
Have everyone agree to the terms of the site. Read a section on enabling.
Set-up guidelines in supporting the recovery
Daily posts welcomed about past inspirational stories about the addict. Many of them can’t remember a lot of good things in their lives.
Call enablers on their bad actions. Cancel their memberships to the site, with the reason posted as to why their membership was canceled. They provided drugs to the addict, enabled the addict, etc… This will clearly show the people in the addicts life who are negatively effecting their recovery. Post a threat to them stating legal authorities will be brought into the matter. I am tired of everyone trying to tip toe and be politically correct. The violators probably need help to.
If the canceled members are under 21, or students… contact their families. People need to be accountable for their actions. This may save many future addicts!
Turn this website into a successSITE! Show people it can happen and they process of getting there. Show them the people in their lives sabotaging their success. This is my dream for my son … SUCCESS! It just has to be his dream too.
He is in Detox as I write this…
Dona Says:
Sorry about the typos in my last post… I couldn’t see thru the tears that were dropping from my eyes!
Patrick Says:
That is an ambitious idea, Dona.
I am not sure that it will work as well as hoped, but you cannot be faulted for trying something different. I think you point to the bottom line truth which is, if he does not want success right now, then it is all pointless. If he does not want to change, then it is all just a bunch of useless hand waving. A lot of energy and time spent for nothing. Your son and his enablers may never even read a single word on the website. Ever. And even if you force them too, they may not really care or process any of it.
I am not saying it is a bad idea….just that I do not see any special power in it just yet to really force any sort of change.
I wish him luck though, it is good that he is in detox…..
K Says:
Hi Patrick,
I have two little ones with the love of my life. He was a heroin addict, rather he was in drug court when we met. He was sober and great and He graduated and things were great. I didn’t know he relapsed, while I was pregnant, looking back there were all the signs. I almost died in the hospital after giving birth to our second child. I waited for him and he abandoned me there and didn’t bring me what I needed for three days. I have so much hurt, anger, and depression all the time. He told me the night I came home with baby and it more than broke my heart. He’s detoxed and has the implants, and has had them for the last two months. There are no local Al-anon meetings that I can go to. I am scared to death of what life will be like if he goes to prison or overdoses if he gets off the implants. It’s torturous and I’m not sure if I really want to know all the stuff he was doing while using. I find myself questioning what to do as a mother, and what is in their best interest. His family says he will relapse for sure if I leave him and I believe that to be true. He quit AA meetings and I want him to go but I’m leaving my needs out back all the time and I’m suffering. I hate addiction and how much it hurts people.
Al Says:
I am nineteen months into recovery from a severe nervous collapse involving alcohol abuse to the point of dependence and beyond. It has been nineteen months since I last took alcohol or used any potentially addictive drugs such as sleeping pills. During this time I have successfully detoxed, attended a residential treatment center, completed every course available from AADAC, joined a home group for which I regularly chair and usually attend up to three meetings a week. I do service work. I have completed a three month Evening Group Therapy Program at a University Hospital and regularly go for follow-up sessions. I attend a weekly Men’s Support Group and have started a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Program. This is all part of my positive self care program which also includes a regimented excercise program, healthy diet, and developing a meaningful social network out side of my programs. I work fulltime and will start volunteering at a local Rehabilitation Hospital this week. All I do strengthens me to deal with the many issues from my past which brought on severe clinical depression and anxiety disorders from an early age leading to self medication, suicide attempts and major life changing events. The list of the damage is great especially to the emotional balance of my children and their mother….who has her own issues.
My soon to be ex-wife and I are working through what is to be fair mediation but the hostilities are exceptional. All of the work I have done gives me the strength to avoid the behaviours of the past and I realize, in acceptance of my part in all this, that I can only look after my side of the street. I am committed to this. Many of the promise are coming true.
My issue today is that my wife is still in denial of both her part in all this and the emotional damage she is causing our children by continuously villifying me in front of them. Case in point is when she told them that she would not attend their piano recital if I did. It sounds like she’s asking them to choose which is fundamentally wrong.
The urge to confront my wife on this is greater than the urge to drink was. The obsession for self destruction is gone so these other urges should be gone too….right? The concept of praying for my tormentors is not working for me here. Praying for my children isn’t either. Patience should see us through….right? This is a ranting vent to be sure and I have voiced my situation and feelings about it at all of the forums I’m currently active in. Every opinion and advice is comforting but I thought I’d try this forum as well. If anyone out there has gained wisdom from similar circumstances I welcome the sharing of it.
calvin michel Says:
hi patrick, i have mainly enjoyed your posts,essays,e books about your journey. i’m 52(which still seems very strange)first got sober(18mons)in 1983…spent 1985-1995 living in what’s grandiosely called post-acute withdraw…never sober more than six or so months..never more than six months without coming “back in”…..became convince i was constitutionally incapable…things finally got bad enough that i wanted to kill myself but couldn’t find a palatible way to do it…so after 3 days called a friend who’d been sober s ince 82 and we’d always stayed in touch regardless of m,y drinking…he also NEVER said one thing to me about it unless i asked him….finally i said to him,”do you think it’s worth my trying treatment one more time”….he laughed(not unkindly) and said,”what’s to lose, you can always kill yourself later if you don’t like it”…..god i love the gallows humor of those of us who have been sober a long time. after i stopped laughing i made the call and have been sober ever sense…28 day,long term tx till i was thrown out at 3months for not working enough hours(gay man unwilling to give up my job with health insurance over four hours a week). i love the program of alcoholics anon that i learned in 1983…not so much what has been done by the professionalizing of 12 step work, ;and the salesmanship that is now practiced on people not yet ready to take the first step(not judgment,the simple fact that one isn’t sober after trying is indicative of lack of willingness to take the only step where somehting like perfection is needed)….in reading your latest post i was struck by the fact that almost everything you wrote was the way the program was practiced 20-30 yrs ago….that wonderful time when younger people first really started staying sober in larege numbers and focusing on growth and the essential evolution of the proncipals that bill wilson developed. one thing i;n particular you said is so true and is ofen seen as blasphemy in many meetings where the essential,foundational principal of not being allied with any sect,denomination,etc is no longer practice. people used to almost apologize for sayinbg god in a meeting..usually it was “my hp whom i choose to call god”….i still cringe with the he, him, and even lord i sometimes here now. the newcomer is suppose to be the most important person at a meeting and the outside issue of personal religious beliefs can and often scares them off, so mjuch for the primary purpose. i digress , the scripturizing of the bb is such harmful,cultish, bs. you said it beautifully when writing that what got us sober won’t always(or often or whatever)keep us sober. your focus on growth was formerly of paramount importance in the practice of the program and the 12 and 12 was seen as the path to emotional sobriety just as it was for bill. there are people who can get by for years living on cultish repetion of cliches, and that is not a slam at the slogans. righly percieved(in my opion)the slogans are a shorthand for bringing upthe complicated adn comprehensive beliefs we have developed and grown over our journey in sobriety, not some one liner to chant at others who are expressing pain. meetings used to be solution/growth based. the old slogan of take your solutions to the meetings and your problems to your sponsor(or sober friends)was a maxim. self pitying group therapy crap, that i still almost either laugh or cry when i hear referred to as sharing was not what was heard unless it was someone who had experience a realk crisis or was in eminent danger of choosing to drink or use. it makes sad that someone who has given so much thought and sound advice on the subject living sober thinks that his writings are not what the program of aa espouses. please don’t take this in the wrong way but i have to ask when was the last time you studied the “12 and 12″ or the writings in “as bill sees it”. the 12/12 si where the means of growth are explained and absi with it’s wonderful index of conditions(action,depression,see dry drunk are my most used pages is the wonderful pause when agitated that provides mostly unpublished writings of an essentially practical nature. as drs. jung,silkworth, and thiebaux put it in different ways, we alcoholics(and drug addicts) need a moral psychology, a type of spiritual philosophy by which we can grow helping ourselves an d others live fullfilling,satifying, and joyful lives without being imprisoned by the bondage of self. it took me many years to finally understand that my constant focus on self kept me stunted and never able to have any of the truly joyful experiences in life. many of us are unconscously frightened by the thought that much of our life is our choice and falls under the heading of changing the things i can. step three in teh 12/12 ends with the serenity prayer as a template for all the choices both, pleasant and difficult, we must be willing to make in order to live fully. i love what bill said in a letter about making a choice and not liking it…….if we choose rightly we can enjoy our choice and if we choose wrongly the resulting growth can be enjoyed later…..how important is often applies. thanks again for your thoughtful and cogent writings and caring enough to share them.
Bishop Alexander F. Gbondo Says:
Dear Sir/ Madam,
Greetings come to you in Jesus name as for your information, I am writing you with an appeal of been a personal partnership with you. Reason for such an appeal is coming from the dangerous consequences that our past civil war left behind. I am an evangelist, and I go on the field of evangelism Monday to Saturday. I go from door to door, in every community of the city of Paynesville, and I have come to note that all the former rebels of almost all of the former war lords of Liberia are one hundred percent living in Paynesville.
Been that they have been abandoned by their former war lords and have lost hope, they have engaged themselves into drug addicting, arm rubbing, gang rapping, high way rubbers etc, etc,
I have met them severs times on gabbing boards while at the same time taking in dangerous drugs, that is leading them now into these criminal behaviors. I have that spiritual men power but I am financially and materially impotent to gather to them.
These groups need financial, spiritual, Vocational and circular educational care.
In order to bring them to the Lord and to become reproductive citizens, I need Land to build a mission School, and a home, for them out of the city where they will be cared for.
These are all God’s hand made and their souls are important to God. God is not wishing any to die in their sin, and go to hell, but all should come to repentance and be save 2Peter 3:9.
It is in this light that I am making this appeal to save these Liberian Citizens that have become very dangerous in the society in which they are living. I would have sent the pictures but If I do that now, and they fail to receive a good response, my life will be endangered by them and of which I do not want, I pray that they Holy Spirit will speak in you and respond very positively it is written in (Gal. 6:9-10) and (1John 4:7-21) So that they may be change form wickedness to Godliness in Jesus name. As I wait of hearing from you soon, may God bless us all in Jesus name. Below is my full address.
Thanks
In His vineyard
Bishop Alexander F, Gbondo
Founder and Bishop of the
Salvation In Christ Ministries Inc
P.O.Box 3828
Zayzay community, Paynesville
Monrovia, Liberia
West Africa
Cell #: +2316420339 or +23177166259
E-mail salvationinchrist1970@yahoo.com
Anonymous Says:
A MOTHER OF A LOVELY DAUGHTER A PERFECT CHILD NO PROBLEMS A TEACHER OF ENGLISH AND NOW SHE HAS LOST OUR BEAUTIFUL GRANDDAUGHTER THROUGH ALCHOLISM PLEASE WHAT C AN I DO TO HELP HER
Tammy Says:
My 21 yr. old son. We are living in pure HELL excuse my language. He will not agree to go anywhere. I would like him to go to a place in Knoxville call True purpose recovery. It’s based on christian plus they work them in a thrift store, clothe them, feed them and they learn how to feel nornal so they can face this harsh worl but I cannot talk him into it for nothing. He is a bit of a smart eleck especially to me because he can’t see that I’m trying to help him before I find him dead. That’s my worst nightmare or jail and he don’t deserve either. He is really a nice gentleman that has no self confidence in himself. He’s more of a follower than a leader. We can’t tell him nothing because we are idiots and retarted. Well I am looking for one of those guys that come and be with him to see how it is around our house before someone gets hurt or even killed. Another nightmare. It has been awful. All family members have already turned against him and he won’t except it. He bugs mamaw for money and she’s scared if she don’t give it to him he will hurt her except when dad’s there. I want help for him not jail you can never get out from under them at all. Please help any way you can. If you know domeone like i was talking about please let him about us. We deserve our life back for sure.
Tammy
Patrick Says:
Tammy I do not think anyone is going to be willing to try and help your son until he is willing to try and get some help himself.
There is a really good reason for this: it is not worth the effort to help him, if he is not willing to try to change.
You see, even when an addict is willing to try and change, many times, they still fail.
So if they are not even willing, forget it. You cannot force real recovery.
That is just my 2 cents, based on what I have seen in others, but also what I lived through myself.
Good luck.
deanna Says:
I am a medical professional who wants to get clean but doesn’t want to chance losing my career. I am a drinker. I want to live a life of sobriety but fear I will be ‘no fun and have no personality’ if I quit. I want support but do not want to go to public meetings.
Patrick Says:
@ Deanna – I think you can achieve that. I also think you are probably more worried about stigma and personal reputation than you need to be, but that is just an opinion on my part…I could be very wrong in thinking that.
I would start by reading many of the articles in my sidebar….lots of them explore recovery without public meetings. For me, personal growth, exercise, and motivated action every single day are key to living without dogma, meetings, and group therapy approaches. It can be done but I think you also need time to transition out of addiction. I lived in long term rehab for 20 months at the beginning….
deanna Says:
Thank you Patrick. I have been reading every word and trying to put myself the the mindset of healing rather than thinking of this as deprivation. I know if I can just get through the beginning stages of personality changes, then it will actually all be for the betterment of my mind and body. My new husband does not drink so this makes it easier and harder at the same time. I didn’t feel like an addict until I started to hide it from him. I do not want our lives together to be a lie and I don’t want to go down lier’s road to have alcohol. Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it.
LaMer Says:
deanna, i’ve been working at this for all of 8 days now, and i can say that i’ve been to three functions where i didn’t drink and i had a wonderful time. i feel like i am closer to my hub and my children. i’m tired (check out PAWS) and a bit subdued, but i also feel like my brain is beginning to come fully back online. i still joke, chat, smile, am funny and happy. i also tend to get a bit frayed towards the end of the day when i ususally would have my first glass – leading to an entire bottle or two – of the evening. i take a 10 minute break where i sit in the bedroom and chill out when i feel like i’m getting overwhelmed and might lose my composure.
i wish you the best. and yes, lying makes you feel awful, so much so that i would rather not drink than lie to my husband.
Allan Says:
Great website!! I have seen quit a few over many years and yours is very very good and helpful! Ive been using hydrocodone on and off since 1995. Ive quit alot of times over the years and I allways regret it when i start using again.I hurt my back in 1995 and of course hydrocodone was given to me to relieve the pain. Well much to say been pretty hooked since on and off for years! I started last Thursday tapering down and now being allmost a week later withdraws pretty bad at times!!! I am now 27 hours without taking any pills! Of coarse sleeping is out of the question since my body is in detox mode right now which I did expect to happen. Sure does get harder each time I go through detox seems like it takes forever and longer! I know this sounds crazy but getting through withdraws and feeling like I could jump right out of my skin is the easy part! The hardest part is staying off hydrocodone! I just need to stay clean this time !
Allan Says:
well 49 1/2 hours without dose . Have had about 1 hours sleep . Dont feel as bad as I did but feel very very tired and cant sleep. Sure will be glad when the first stage of my journey is over. Sure wished i could go to sleep will just have to suffer through it.Gets hard at times since im doing this on my own at home . PLEASE PRAY FOR ME I NEED GODS HELP!
Allan Says:
HI Patrick, just thought I would give a update well here it is Aug. 22 and I feel alot better. Im still having a few withdraws, feel a little jumpy and still a little hard to sleep at times but feel a whole lot better! I could not have got this far had GOD not been with me!! Its not been easy by no means but I just kept asking God to give me the will power to get through too another day! I pray that God touches and gives comfort to every person who reads this that is going through the same problem I have( ADDICTION ). GOD BLESS!!