How can we Break through our Denial?
As addicts and alcoholics, there are 2 types of denial we want to look at here. Although they are similar, it is worth differentiating between the two, because some of us might stay stuck in our recovery unless we do.
The first level of denial is when we are still using drugs and alcohol.
This is the type of denial that is painfully obvious to everyone around us….like when we are still using alcohol or our drug of choice and our lives are falling apart, yet we continue to attribute this to bad luck and believe that we can use drugs or alcohol like a normal person. We have all been at this stage before finally accepting our addiction and surrendering to the process of recovery. This is the first level of denial. If we are living a life of recovery, we have already broken through this denial.
The second level of denial is much more insidious than this.
It occurs when we are already clean and sober and working a program of recovery. Instead of being big and obvious (like drinking ourselves into a blackout every night or a hundred dollar per day heroin habit), this type of denial is usually a sneaky issue that we aren’t watching out for. The specific issue that we are in denial about could be any number of things, such as a bad relationship that we have been slowly getting into, or perhaps we have just been drifted away from our recovery. Or maybe we are starting to hang around with old drinking or using buddies who are no good for us to be around. Whatever the situation may be, this is the type of denial that can slowly creep back into our lives. We might not recognize it at first, because we are too busy watching out for the really big problems (like the fifth of whiskey every day or the heroin habit or whatever).
But it is this second type of denial that can drag a recovering alcoholic or addict down and start them on that miserable road back to using. We don’t see it coming because the situation or issue doesn’t relate to using or drinking….not directly anyway. For example, while I was living in long term treatment, I saw dozens of recovering addicts who lived with me eventually go back out and relapse, and it was always over a relationship. Always. It got to be a bit ridiculous, and the guys who “stuck and stayed” in the long term treatment center were constantly warning the new guys about getting into a relationship too quickly. It was the number one downfall of young men who struggled to get clean and sober in that place–and looking back, I can see how denial played a part in every single relapse.
In each case, the new guy in treatment thought that he was immune to the effects of these dangerous relationships. They would politely listen to our warnings, and nod their heads and tell us that they understood how dangerous relationships were in early sobriety. But deep inside, these men thought they were somehow different, that the rules did not apply the same to them, and that they could easily juggle a delicate relationship with a woman during their early recovery. They were wrong….and their denial eventually cost them their sobriety.
None of us are immune to the possibility of slipping back into denial. Here are some tips to help you stay vigilant:
2) Stay plugged in - with other recovering addicts and alcoholics
3) Ask for suggestions – from your sponsor or others in recovery
4) If enough people show concern for your behavior, you might want to take a look at that behavior. If more than one person shows concern for the same behavior, then you really, really might want to take a look at that behavior. This is the core of denial. We are doing something dangerous and everyone else can see it except for us. We think we are special. We think we are immune. We think we can get away with it, but we can’t. And everyone around us can see this except for us. That’s denial.
Learn to recognize your own denial quickly and it might just save your life….
If you enjoyed this post, then make sure you subscribe to my RSS Feed.
Recommended Reading
- Overcoming Addiction
- Addiction Recovery is about Discovering New Layers of Information
- 5 Ways to Supercharge Your Recovery, Avoid Relapse, and Dominate Your Addiction Over the Holiday Season
- 10 Ways to Embrace Creative Recovery and Take Your Sobriety to the Next Level
- Holistic Addiction Treatment Center
Call Today
866-211-5538
24 Hour Treatment
{ 1 trackback }
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
This is a great article on denial, especially your analysis of the second level of denial. I tell my patients if you ever start saying “It wasn’t that bad” or ” It wasn’t alcohol/drugs that was my problem it was ______ (my husband, work, stress), run don’t walk to get help.
Bill Urell
Addiction Recovery
My daughter is in California. She just left about 2 weeks ago. She was in a rehab vacility for about a month with her new husband of two years. They married in Vegas and did not know eachother very long. Now she is broke and homeless in California and she keeps calling for help. I have told my family to distance themselves from her as they have cost our family over $60,000. in the past two years. Help me please, she’s my baby and I’m scared and would appreciate any help or kind words. I have been there before in my life and know what it is, it’s just harder when it’s your youngest.
Thanks.
i am coming up 2 years in my recovery and i still found it very usefull. like it said we are always at risk. i have been devorced for 5 years and my ex wife is still in severe denial about her aadiction i still have contact due to the children, and she thinks i believe her lies about all the other problems causing her life problems even after all our years of addiction together it is sad i wish i new what to do
David
I think this is a very accurate and succint description of denial, a good place to start. However, I am a bit miffed about the reference to getting into a new relationship; I am sure that is not the only way someone gets sucked back into using. And, perhaps, that a new relationship happens to co-occur, (naturally, after spending a significant time isolated in treatment) but have you looked into the dynamics of each new relationship, to be sure it is not with one who is trying to be supportive in recovery, and it’s not actually some other vice that catalyzed a relapse?
@ Eve – I just saw so many people relapse due to relationships in early recovery. It was…..overwhelming.
If you showed it to me as data I would not believe it, or care much about it. But I lived with these guys in long term rehab, and they all pretty much relapsed over a woman.
Thus, I learned by experience, by direct observation. Others might have a different experience of course….
How do u identify wen ur in denial wen its sub-conciously and you dont realise ur in it, relationships is an everyday thing i hear in recovery if you hav any more examples can you please put them up ???
thanks
@ Edel – if you do not know if you are in denial, ask 5 different people what they think.
If all of them say you are in denial, then chances are good that you are.
One person might be wrong about our situation, but ask a couple people what they think….
Outside eyes help people to see what we ourselves don’t. Pain is also a sign that something is wrong. I have learned that I would rather learn from constructive criticism, then having to risk my sobriety in the process.
Awareness, Acceptance, Action…
Eric Moore
Footprints of Serenity