Authors
Author: Patrick Meninga is an Intake Specialist at a Drug Rehab in Michigan, and has over 5 years of experience working directly with recovering addicts and alcoholics. He has been clean and sober for over a decade now and has also conquered nicotine addiction as well. In addition to full time work in a treatment center, Patrick actively writes on the web about addiction, and has contributed over one million words to try and help others to find a path of recovery. He has published several ebooks which are all available for free download in the sidebar of spiritualriver.com. His main focus is on “personal growth as a strategy for relapse prevention.” He believes that staying clean and sober can be done without a formal “program” of recovery, but rather through personal motivation and the push to grow in a holistic manner.
Guest author: Bill Urell is an addictions therapist at a leading residential treatment center. He has also written a book and authored hundreds of posts on his website, Addiction Recovery Basics. His website explores everything from the 12 step model to specific treatment therapies to help treat struggling addicts and alcoholics, and everything else in between. Bill is an expert in his field who has the practical aspects of addiction recovery down to a science. He specializes in working with adults who have chemical dependency issues, but his advice is spot on for anyone who is struggling to stay clean and sober. Bill has contributed to Spiritual River over the years, and even weighs in on a discussion of advanced recovery topics, where his years of experience really show through.
Guest author: Doctor Adi Jaffe is a psychologist who specializes in Addiction. His primary website is All About Addiction but he has also contributed to Spiritual River. His goal is to bring the latest knowledge about addiction to the people who could benefit from it most – those who are suffering because of it. He has published dozens of articles, book chapters, and presentations on the topic of addiction and is currently working on his first book.
Patrick’s bio:
* I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic who has been clean and sober now for over 9 years. I also quit smoking cigarettes almost 5 years ago.
* I work full time in a drug and alcohol treatment center, although I am not a therapist.
* I am in a unique position where I get to watch many, many people try to get clean and sober. I take careful note of what works and what does not.
* I push myself to grow in recovery using holistic techniques. For example, I quit smoking, started exercising on a regular basis, and work to improve my diet and overall health. I also strive for spiritual growth and emotional balance.
* I push myself to explore more about what works in recovery and what does not. I believe that the field of substance abuse treatment is quite young and undeveloped.
* I have written over 1 million words here at the Spiritual River documenting my findings regarding addiction and recovery.
What follows is my story of addiction and recovery (what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now):
I started using marijuana when I was about 19 years old. It was the first time I had ever used any sort of drug. Immediately, I liked it, and commented that I am going to do this for the rest of my life! I was a shy person and getting high fixed this problem.
Shortly after this, I discovered alcohol, and realized that it worked even better than marijuana at fixing my social anxiety. Using both drugs was a daily habit and in a very short time I could not imagine living my life without self-medicating any more.
Just like that, I was now living to use, each and every day. It had become my purpose. Imagining life without drugs and alcohol was inconceivablemy thought was that there just wouldnt be any point to it. I believed that I definitely wouldnt be able to have any fun if I were to somehow get sober.
For the wrong reasons, I attended two different treatment centers over the next couple of years. Each time, the counselors and therapists suggested that I go to long term treatment, and each time, I declined to do so. I felt that long term treatment was far too drastic a solution for my *problem* and that I didnt need to resort to such measures. They were talking about several months or even years of my life! To me, long term treatment sounded like a death sentence, or at least like a jail sentence.
The bottom line was this: I simply was not willing to go to long term treatment, nor was I willing to accept 12 step recovery as the solution to my problem. I hated AA and NA meetings because I was terrified of them. I went back to using drugs and alcohol immediately after leaving both of these treatment centers.
There was no particular crisis that brought me to this last treatment center; I had simply had enough and felt like it was time for a change. If there was ever any hard evidence for a higher power working in my life, it was this: I somehow surrendered to the disease of addictionas stubborn as I amand finally asked for help. This time, *I* wanted to go to treatment. I realized that my life was a mess and I finally wanted to do something about it.
I was finally willing to try and change my life in a real and meaningful way. This meant I was ready to take some action. Because I had been to treatment before, I knew what was in store for me, so I consider it miraculous that I was willing to go back. My belief at this point was that 12 step recovery was not going to work for me. I also believed that if even if it somehow did work, I would be sober but miserable.
Apparently I was miserable enough with my life that I was willing to give it a shot anyway.
My experience in detox was probably fairly typical. I was coming off of alcohol, marijuana, and crack. Nurses tended to me and kept giving me pills so that I wouldnt get the shakes. I was in detox for 5 days. In my journey of recovery, residential treatment is just a little blip on the mapalthough it was still a very important time for me. I was fresh out of detox and might have spent a week or less in a residential treatment facility.
Essentially there were three important things that happened.
One, I attended lots of groups, lectures, and group therapy sessions.
Second, I was exposed to AA meetings on a daily basis, and found them to be somewhat tolerable. I found that I could actually sit through one without freaking out.
Third, I was assigned a therapist that was to help me plan my *aftercare*. This was to be of critical importance. In the past, I was never willing to follow up and do any sort of aftercare, because they always recommended long term treatment. This time, I was suggesting that I go to long term. My therapist listened to what I wanted and found me long term treatment.
The program was set up for 12 homeless men, had two groups a week, and required involvement in a 12 step program. A therapist ran the program and basically kept tabs on all of us. The recommended stay here was 6 months to 2 years, and I stayed for 20 months.
At 25 years of age, the place saved my life.
Let me say that again: long term treatment saved my life. I never would have been willing to commit to a 12 step program without the help and support that I got from living with 11 other recovering addicts. Before I got clean, it seemed like an impossibility to say goodbye to my friends who still used. I honestly did not think that I could just walk away from their friendship. Long term treatment allowed me to do just that.
For what seemed like a long time, all I did was live in that long term treatment center, go to meetings, and not use. It was what I needed to do at the time. The therapist there pushed me to get back into school, which I reluctantly did. I finished up an associates degree and eventually received a Bachelors degree.
The rest of my life parallels this as well: I have become a productive member of society on all counts. I work full time, go to school, live in an apartment, and pay my bills. I have a wonderful family and a cool group of friends. Pretty damn impressive considering the mess I was in before I got clean. I am lucky to be alive.
Whats truly amazing is that I enjoy this life today, and when I was still using, I hated the idea of sobriety. I could not picture myself having fun or being content with this life that I am now living. But somehow I transformed and it did happen.
In my own way, I do what I can to carry the message to other recovering addicts. Through full time work at a treatment center, and maintaining a recovery related website, I would say that Ive got my hands full. It feels good to stay involved in helping other people who are trying to recover.
Recommended Reading
Call Today
866-211-5538
24 Hour Treatment
{ 106 comments… read them below or add one }
← Previous Comments
oops i put hel instead of help sorry. Thanks again
Wow, someone who works at a treatment center and is in a 12-step program wholeheartedly recommends rehab and 12-step programs. Will wonders never cease. There are alternatives out there that don’t involve religious conversion (and yes, AA is religious) and/or shelling out thousands of dollars on a treatment model with an abysmal success rate. People stop abusing substances when they perceive that the “pain” of stopping is less than the “pain” of continuing abuse. You can’t rush that process and the notion that if 1 stay in rehab doesn’t do the trick then, by golly, 4-5 trips to rehab should do the trick seems to fit the definition of insanity one hears in the rooms of A.A.
I applaud your efforts, but, sadly, this website is another example of the sorry excuse for addiction “treatment” in the U.S.A.
@ Oba – did you even read the website? I am not exactly a big fan of AA or traditional recovery by any means around here.
That said, I went to rehab 3 times, and lived in one for 20 months straight. Best 3 investments I ever made. Since then my life has improved immeasurably, and the money I spent on rehab has come back to me a thousand times over.
Just my experience of course….I do agree that success rates are poor in the treatment industry. But to become cynical and stop trying? Seems like a poor choice to me….
Patrick,
Great info. Great work you are doing. I trying to get off the ground with my ebook approach to recovery. I have worked inpatient and out. You brought up common sense approaches that unfortunately don’t often get mentioned in treatment.
Dr. Steve
ps I also am starting a blog at: recoverywithdrsteve.com if you are interested. My goal is to provide an online community for aftercare that would continue to challenge people to grow and learn.
I AM A MOTHER IN BELFAST I AM SIXTY YEARS AND HAVE A DAUGHTER OF 36 YEARS I AM A DOCTOR MY HUSBAND AN ACCOUNTANT WE HAVE BOTH STRUGGLED TO HELP OUR DAUGHTER WIYH HER ALCHOL ADDICTION WE HAVE NOW USED ALL OUR SAVINGS PAYING HER DEBTS WE HAVE LOST OUR GRANDCHILDREN AND NOW I HAVE NO REASON TO GO ON
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! Today i sought and i found this.
I very rarely get pop ups, but when I opened my computer last night, spriritual river was front & center. Nothing short of a miracle. I pray every day for an angel to appear, or as you say some magic to happen. For 3 years I do some sort of research every day in hopes that somewhere will be the right words I should be saying to help my son. My entire family is suffers from his addiction & now he’s been dg as bi-polar. I certainly do not intend to apologize if I offend anybody’s non-belief in God or miracles, because as much as they shout to deny It, It Is what It Is & here to stay. There doesn’t seem to be an end in site with the ever changing scientific answers that occur every year that they shove down everybody’s throats. But, God forbid we should make mention of what this entire country was founded on & now some want to deny, or at the very least rearrange, to suit their needs.
Anyway, I’ve only read the home page & these mailings so far and with many tears hope there’s more.
My son smokes pot, day & night & when possible does coke & in social situations, or when traveling back from rehabs & nothing available he’ll have alchohol as well. Mine is a very long story & not going to put all of it here, but I’ve hired professional interventionist & after many conversations w/THE professional I was sent somebody on their first mission. The family basically took care of & did it all, as the man was frustrated at the turn of events & my son wanting to leave the next day as opposed to right then. I didn’t want him to miss another day w/o his girlfriend. They told me they were able to handle any situation & nothing I could tell them wasn’t anything they hadn’t seen or heard were surprise them. They had my confidence, my $ 3,000.00, airfare & expenses
to do absolutely nothing accept tell us to write out letters, see who would go first & not argue. When my son immediately broke out in a tirade of obsenities & walked out we looked to him for guidance, only to be stared at with a blank look basically looking to see who was going to go after him. I have to say that if it was somebody with confidence, backbone, experience, compassion & a deep understanding of how to cope in certain situation, it will do many some good. There is also a book called “Intervention” that I wish I had purchased prior to hiring outside help.
My story is as heartwrenching as anybody’s. But, I have ask why the direction you, and others give, seem contraversial? The reason is one paragraph will say to leave communication open, so I kept listening to horrible things being said to me & the next will say don’t put up with anything or enable. My question is: Are we supposed to throw them out on the streets or not??!! I’ve verbally asked him to leave, but he refuses, then screams how this home is now & always will be his & before he ever leaves, he’ll have me put out on the streets.
He has lost his wife, his son acquired by marriage, his brother & now his sister, his home, a very successful business that was given to him by his father, 4 jobs in the past 5 months (didn’t work for 2 years, he’s stolen, sold everything he had in his possession & anything that’s been given to him accept his bed. That is all he has left of all that he had…oh & spent 45 days in jail. It is very sad that certain circumstances kept going against him & he couldn’t get out of his own way for a long time, but he will never be convinced that it is his addiction, & actions because of it, that caused 85% of it all, unless, of course, he’s straight. He is the best hearted person I’ve ever seen in my life when not using, but of course, unable to give very much, even of himself anymore without an ulterior motive, it seems. He’s been to 3 rehabs, but he was one that recovered amazingly & understood it all so well, that he was able to leave after only 2 weeks!!! Actually, the 1st, from the interventionist was a farce, as they didn’t even know he was there & therefore never saw a councelor, doctor, etc, but went to all the meetings. They sent my $$ back, but mailed to him, so………….. I love my children with all my heart & every day is a stuggle to go on & watch your flesh & blood sad every waking day. Since he had to spend time in jail, & other things happened, he admits to everyone that he will never ever stop smoking pot unless he goes someplace for life, because he can’t do it & resigned himself to the fact that he never will & will love doing it forever. He even told this to the judge. Said, “I cannot stop & if you have someplace to go forever then send me, otherwise forget it….I can’t”. I cannot talk to him anymore, because now he doesn’t care who hears him screaming his obsenities & accusations & will break through doors, etc. to make sure I hear him loud & clear. He is so backed up against a wall now, & I’ve always feared for him taking his own life. Also, people shouldn’t ever call the 800 #’s advertised on TV if you have a loved one who needs help. After getting off the phone with them, I want to hurt myself as well. All they ever say is “I’m sorry to hear your going through this. Have him call us”. If I could do that I wouldn’t be calling you is what I have to say before hanging up!!! I’m sorry this is probably the longest post you’ve ever seen.
Now, I’m going to see what else is here that I can possibly do to help. Oh, I’m also going to print all of this (not mine) & put it under his door in hopes that he doesn’t tear it up.
God Bless You Patrick for all the work you’ve done & still doing. I’m sure it gives your life much meaning knowing how many lives you’ve touched. It’s what you were meant to be doing & you’re so lucky to have found that meaning so young. Be Well
@ RDG – Yeah I know it is tough because you have no control over your son. And it is misleading because we hope that a professional interventionist can cure the addiction and convince anyone to go to rehab and instantly turn their life around.
It does not work that way.
But, there is still hope. But you have to learn how to let go, and let your son find his own path. He has to go through some pain in his life before he will become willing to change.
It’s tough. Seek out an Al-anon meeting, if you really want help. Good luck.
Your site is interesting, but all the advertisement for treatment “stuff” and treatment centers puts me off.
@ V.L. – Understood.
However, consider this: treatment works. It saved my life. Quite literally.
It is one thing to read on the internet about recovery. It is another thing entirely to check into rehab and take real action.
Which path do you think is the stronger one? Just some food for thought there!
Hi Patrick,
The line that struck me on your website is “miserable and tired enough to give it another shot.” Hopefully this time I can see it through. Many of the reasons I started drinking (binging out of control) again were also addressed on your website. Your insight is powerful.
Michelle
Your site is very helpful, and I feel comfort reading it. Thank you for guiding people out of darkness..and encouraging them to see the light.
patrick you are full of bull. you talk about the 12 steps and never mention turning you will over to the care of god, you break traditions, i guess you aren’t a real addict, just the type of heavy drinker who manges to stop given sufficient reason and tells other people how eay it is. A lady told you how she couldn’t go on and you didn’t even reply to her. YOU ARE DANGEROUS
Hello Patrick,
Hey, yeah this is is wonderful website, and ‘john’ doesn’t have the right to degrade it. If he doesn’t agree with what you are writing and saying, Patrick, then he should just visit some other website.
Partick,
I have read your writings in the past as I, many times search the internet for some help for my daughter. So here I am again. I had you bookmarked. You sure do put things in pespective and I can see into her world a little better. However I am scared to death that she is huring so much. I spoke to her this morning and I knew by later in the day she would be drunk and difficult to listen to, but since I have been unable to get hold of her lately, I was happy to hear her voice and she was “ok’ for now. Finally she tells me the reason she had been avoiding me is that she had an episode with a guy who she saw a few times and attacked her, called cops and he went to jail {also a drinker} He would not leave her house so she went to the bar and drank vodka, came home (walked) and could not get in her house, she thought the guy was still in there and she must have blacked out shouting kicking door, etc and the neighbor called police, who came and helped her find keys, but during that time she fell and hit her head, blood everywhere, EMS called but shE refused treatment as she has no insurance. It is definately getting lower for her since she admits the drinking is causing problems.. had to miss work, due to swollen face. A few months back, she blacked out fell and broke a rib. She thinks there are more things wrong with her physically and today she promises she will see a Dr. Again,no insurance, I am still paying a credit card of $10k a year abd half ago when she went to Oklahoma for treatment,They were eager to grab the money and she was drinking again within a month. I am about broke, but I cannot give up on her. She is 28 but this has been going on since she had to drop out of college. She ha d everything going for her and seh has ruined herself, I am desparate to help her. I went to Alanon,but to me that is where you give up on someone and I cannot do that.
My questions to you are:
What treatment center did you go to and where is it you work? I would love to have someone influence her as you seem to do with all your followers and sharing real life experiences.
I wonder about grants, the last place hooked me in by saying there would be a grant at end of service, then it was a lottery then I never heard form him again.
Now I see treatment is upwards of $20K How can anyone recover if they have no insurance or that much money?
Thank you, I hope you can reply.
Thank you and to who every one else who can respond
@ Lin – There is no magic bullet as far as treatment centers go. I have to keep my job a bit separate from this site.
What I would do is call up local treatment centers and be honest with them, tell them you have no funding and need help.
Most rehabs will set up funding in advance of services, so there are no surprises at the end.
I would get on the phone and call around, ask lots of questions.
Most rehabs want your business. Call around and see what they can do for you in terms of funding (it varies by state).
Hi Patrick… I am very happy for you and for your recovery! You are an inspiration and doing an amazing thing with this website and I hope every day of your life is well and happy.
I am writing about our 20 year old son. I’d like your opinion, if you can. He has always been stubborn and non-compliant. He started to act out badly and when he was 18, we were forced to tell him to leave our home when he refused to get help or be drug tested. I regret that decision. He ended up addicted to heroin and was arrested for selling. We let him sit in jail for ten days to try to have the consequence sink in, but then bailed him out and put him on a plane to California to a very expensive rehab which promised to give us our son back. They kept telling me that he wouldn’t be able to con them and they would know if he was getting what they were telling him. They told me over and over that they would know, because they had been there and done that and they could spot if someone was conning compliance just to get out faster. Well, they didn’t do what they said.
I told them my son was not ready to leave rehab. He was supposed to stay there for as long as it took. They rushed him through in three and a half months and sent him home against my protests. I knew he wasn’t getting it. He started to get in touch with his old drug ‘friends’ before he left the facility. He was angry and lashed out at us violently. He lived in our house for the past year. The anger went away or was tolerable. We now know why. He has been using again for quite a while. We don’t know what and only know that for the past two months he has withdrawn significant amounts from his bank account regularly.. $600 each month approximately. He has been working and going to school full time and getting good grades. I don’t know how. But his probation was recently up (they let him off much too easily) and I noticed he looked much worse that usual. Gray in color and black circles under his eyes. We have been told by the incompetent rehab that he needs to come back. When I paid them a small fortune the first time, they said that he can come back if he ever needed to without charge. Now they are saying that was only for the first six months after he leaves. I TOLD them he wasn’t well and they released him anyway.
Long story shorter, we are now at the point where he is about to have to leave the house because he refuses to get drug tested and won’t get help or go back to rehab. We have been told that if he refuses, he is not clean. We are also told that we are enabling him to continue to use if we let him stay in our home. He has no money, has no place to live, has bad credit because he has not paid a very long standing phone debt and will not be able to get an apartment. If he does move out, I am sure he will get worse. All the schooling that he has accomplished will be for nothing as he won’t be able to continue. He will be out partying and doing even more than he is doing now. He will end up in jail or dead. I am so frightened. My ridiculous husband says we cannot do anything because he is an ‘adult’. According to age, possibly, but he is thinking like a 12 year old and doesn’t seem to be able to get out of the time warp he is in. He needs psychological help. Can we not DO something to help him, to save him?
what are your thoughts, please? the longer he uses, the more difficult it will be…
@ Lauren – I feel bad for your situation with your son because it seems that you are powerless to help him at this point. I tend to agree with your husband a bit, that he is an adult now and he cannot be forced to do anything.
It seems so unfair that money cannot buy sobriety. But it is true. Just look at all the celebrities who face drug or alcohol problems….all of the money in the world cannot cure an addiction. There are no magic bullets, unfortunately.
Even if you assembled the best doctors and treatment specialists in the world, the best medications for fighting addiction, the finest treatment centers, the most skilled therapists, and on and on and on….it would not insure your son a victory over his addiction. I know that does not seem fair but it is the truth.
That is not to say there is no hope, however. I finally got clean and sober after my 3rd trip to rehab. Most people do not “get it” on their first time around either.
I think your last statement is wrong. You said “the longer he uses, the more difficult it will be.” A more accurate statement is: the more pain he endures in his life, the closer to surrender he will get.
The addict is motivated to change only by pain. He will not get clean if everything is going good in his life while he is still getting high. No, he will change when he is absolutely miserable, and has been for a while. He will change when he is desperate for the pain to stop. The pain of chasing the high every day and avoiding being sick and using drugs just to feel halfway normal.
And when he reaches this point and finally surrenders, it will not make one bit of difference which drug rehab he goes to. Take him to a free rehab set up for the homeless, it will work just as well as the luxury treatment centers in California. Probably better.
That is my take on it anyway, based on my own story, and based on what I have seen while working in the rehab industry.
Good luck.
Hi Pat. Isn’t this life fun? I visit your site at the end of each year to check out your writng and listen to comments. Happy 10th…so glad we didn’t just grab our bat and ball and walk away.
Best, 04/06/01
writing…
@ Still sober in Colorado – Hey, nice of you to drop by! Things are going great here at the River.
I am celebrating my decade of sobriety, right now, today. Pretty cool stuff. Pretty amazing. I am grateful right down to my toes.
Take care!
I like your website Patrick. More important than you think.One son murdered buying drugs & the other off the deep end robbibg & stealing to get high.
Been through it all. Over & over gain.
Hey Patrick
I just came across your website tonight for the first time. I think it’s really great!! I am also a recovering addict, and I have also made a website :)
I think it’s great that people like you are speaking out. Yes I know AA is anonymous as many people have mentioned, but I believe that’s more about not breaking anyone elses anonymity. Anyway..I love your website and again am very glad to see people being open and honest about their journey. Take a look at my site, let me know what you think!
http://Www.addicted-to-sobriety.com
Rachael
I also just wanted to say I admire the way you handle criticism on this site. You do so respectfully and with grace. People will judge you forever..unfortunately that’s life. Keep up the good work
First time I took notice of all the crap out there, but your approach hit a nerve. Not sure where I stand. I drink daily at home. Started as recreation when young and now it’s everyday living. Problem is…I get along on a daily basis. I function at home and my family puts up with it.
But all along I know my actions are cause for many concerns. Basically, I cause all the anguish in our family without any anyone really knowing or ignoring it’s me, or not willing to voice the obvious. I am not abusive…but my drinking effects my wife and kids in ways they don’t even realize( they don’t have first hand alcoholic experience).
Alcoholism runs in the family and I was a quick learner. I am a functioning drunk in all sense of the word. I work, I make a living and I’m disgusted with myself, because i effect my wife and kids in a way they don’t deserve. Never wanted to change,and still not sure if I can.
I hate group settings and public interventions. Everyone has their own story. Can anyone relate and give advice what my first move should be, other than checking into a rehab. My family is dependent upon me.
A little back-round I started drugs and alcohol when I was 12 I am 42 now. I haven’t done drugs or smoked cigs in 7 years, and exercise regularly, and drink every night! I can’t shake the Coors Lights.
I would greatly appreciate any suggestions on my first move…..
← Previous Comments