What to Say to an Alcoholic that is Out of Control

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what to say to an alcoholic
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If you have a friend, spouse, or loved one that is an out-of-control alcoholic, what can you say to them?

Here are some of our typical pleas:

You have to stop drinking.

You’re going to kill yourself if you keep drinking.

Your drinking is killing me.

Your drinking is tearing apart the family.“….and so on.

First of all, none of the above is actionable for the alcoholic. They are trapped in a cycle and probably can’t even bring themselves to care about many of the consequences you are threatening.

The truth of the matter is, you have very little verbal control over an alcoholic. Things that you say will have very little control over them, even if they are sober when you say them.

So what can you do?

The healthiest decision you can make is for yourself. That decision is for you to be healthier in terms of your relationship to the alcoholic.

There is nothing you can say that will make someone magically stop drinking.

However, there are several things you can do. Some of what you can do involves verbalizing your intentions to an alcoholic. Your intentions. Not verbalizing demands for them to change their behavior. Merely what you intend to do, given their behavior and/or their drinking.

what to say to an alcoholic
Photo by jb_brooke

Assessing your relationship with the alcoholic

Ask yourself this gut-wrenching question: “Is my intention to continue in this relationship with them regardless of whether or not they continue to drink?”

If you don’t intend to continue associating with this person, then set a limit. This limit is for your sanity, not theirs. For example, “if you don’t get help by the end of this month, I’m walking away from the relationship.” This is a firm limit with actionable consequences. Don’t make this type of threat unless you fully intend to follow through with it though.

Remember that there are essentially only 3 possible outcomes between you and the alcoholic:

1) They recover and stop drinking.

2) You leave.

3) The relationship continues with the alcohol and the chaos.

So you might stop and do some thinking. Long term thinking. Do you really want to be in this same situation, say, 10 years from now? Given the possible outcomes, there are essentially only 3 things you can say to an alcoholic:

1)Keep drinking.

2)I’m leaving.

3)Get help by next Tuesday or I’m leaving.

Let’s take a closer look at #3, which is setting limits and boundaries. Unfortunately, many people are not in a position to be making ultimatums. There might be things that are holding them back from doing so. Financial concerns, breaking the family apart, having no place to go–these are all things that might keep someone trapped in an unhealthy relationship. There are 2 steps to overcoming these types of fears that hold you back:

1) Build self-esteem

2) Find support (outside of the dysfunctional relationship)

If and when you decide to make the healthy decision to stop the madness, you will then have to determine exactly what is acceptable to you and what isn’t:

Decide on your boundaries and set limits

Decide what your limits are, then discuss them with the alcoholic. Your limit might not be “I’m leaving,” but rather “I’m not bailing you out of jail any more” or “I’m not going to be around you when you’re drunk” or something similar. Your limit is not a punitive consequence–instead, it is a limit you are imposing to save your own sanity. Don’t make it about them. It’s about you staying healthy. The limit you set should directly reduce the amount of chaos you have to experience due to their drinking.

Make your intentions clear, and be prepared to follow through with them. Don’t make threats that you don’t have full intention of carrying out if necessary.

Isn’t there some other way to change someone’s behavior?

No, there isn’t. Consider the following thought experiment: Say you enjoy taking walks in the park every day. The weather is nice, it’s good exercise, and you have plenty of extra time for these walks. But then someone in your life demands that you stop taking these daily walks. You resist. Conflict ensues. You think to yourself “I should be able to keep taking my walk every day if I want to!”

That is the exact same reaction that the alcoholic has when you tell them to stop drinking. “But,” you say, “Drinking is so bad for them, and it’s destroying their life! My walks are healthy for me!” That doesn’t matter. Just because you think you know what is best for someone doesn’t make a bit a difference. It all has to do with a little something called free will. You wouldn’t let someone else control you….so what makes you think you can control someone else?

Alcoholism is not logical. Therefore the alcoholic will not listen to reason. They will not hear your well planned arguments about why they should recover and live a better life. You can promise them the world and it won’t matter. They are trapped. They are stuck. They cannot hear your arguments.

Save yourself first and stop contributing to the cycle. More help here.


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  • KT

    Very wise words about setting the limits. I just set my boundary with an alcoholic friend as “I will not talk to you when you are drunk, I will only talk with you when you are sober”. I explained I love talking with her very much when she is straight. I didn’t bring up the round-and-round we go, slough of self-pity she gets into after a bottle of wine or 2. I did tell her the “wine talking” can get very hurtful. I also apologised for anything I may have said done to upset her etc .. (because along with everyone else, I am to blame for something….) Nevertheless, this alcoholic friend then ditched me. But happily – this actually feels like a relief. I know that should she ever choose to address her problem I will hear from her again. But right now I have drawn my line – and I no longer have to pamper the alcoholic ego that demands everything is someone else’s fault. phew!

  • kurtis

    I have had my first experiance with an alcoholic I have become very close to this person yet I cannot take the verbal or mental abuse that she imposes on me.She is now out of control and drinks around the clock.I feel awful just giving up on her I dont want anything bad to happen to her. She is like a child in a womens body and she refused to listen. I have lost weight and find myself an emotional wreck. I have tried all of the above comments in trying to help her and nothing seems to work. She says she is an alcoholic and thats the way it is, take it or leave it Am I really doing the right thing by leaving it

  • Haley

    my mom is an alcoholic and she NEEDS help. i am out of ideas i have tried talking to her and tell her how i feel i have dumped all the bottles of wine, beer, whiskey, vodka everything that she has and she still doesn’t get it. she drinks around 3 bottles of wine every night and has shots of whiskey and red bull and the outcome is HELL for me. what should i do?

  • Patrick

    Haley you are in a tough spot and even more so if you are very young. I would ask for support from others and try to go to an Ala-teen meeting if you can find one. If you are older then just go to Al-anon. This is your best bet.

  • Judy

    Don’t keep your moms drinking a secret. Tell aunts, uncles, friends. My niece recently told me about her moms drinking. Her mom is my sister. Since our family got involved, my neice finally feels she has support. You can’t stop your mom’s drinking but you can get the help you need. You are important so take the best care of your emotional health by reaching out to others. Even if you feel your mom will be irrate, you can tell her that the affects of her drinking is a part of your life too and you are not keeping that part of your life a secret because you need support.

  • Emily

    My advice after having an alcoholic mother, marrying a man that abused alcohol and changed dramatically and eventually I left after many many years of marriage, I got involved in a recovering alcoholic who is no longer in recovery and denies it. He lied to me, verbally and emotionally abused me and has now lost everything again…except his mother, who is elderly. I have been out of it for 6 weeks and although it has brought up feelings from my childhood , and I did really love this person, sometimes the grief is overwhelming, after reading sites like these I feel very grateful I had the guts to set boundaries and let him go. For every alcoholic there is, 6 lives are dramatically affected, either family, extended family or work etc. Very often sporting clubs as well. take good care and get support from Al-Anon and build a new life for yourself. they will only stop when they want to. Even if they abuse people, their drinking is their first priority.

  • MJ

    I have a dear friend…I’ve known him since 5th grade and we dated for a short time when we were 22ish. He was in the Navy while we were dating so were apart most of that time. We both drank, but I realized it was a problem for him when he came home on leave after getting back from West Pac. I found out he’s been drinking since early high school. His mother lost a long battle with breast cancer our senior year, his first year of college his room mate died, and then a youth pastor at his church passed away. Then he entered the Navy. A blessing and a curse. His last two years in the Navy was where I came in…wrote him every day. Fell hopelessly in love with him. He got out of the Navy in 1997, moved back home. I started going up to see him at the bar where he worked, just trying to get him out, go for a walk – anything! Finally, he told me that I was a good influence and he didn’t want to be around any good influences – did not want to drag me down. I guess he knew where he was going? We lost touch for 12 years. Not that I didn’t try to find him – I did. Everytime I would see or talk to his parents – it was the same…’He’s doing well.” But I would here from people that he was showing up to work drunk…the owner himself put him thru treatments. There was not a day that went by in the last 12 years that he did not cross my mind…where is he? How is he? Yes, I moved on, but I believed it was my fault…that maybe I pushed him farther into drinking, why couldn’t I save him? Why didn’t he want to be saved? So, this Christmas, I sent a note to his sister via FB. She replied in 14 minutes. She had acutally called him, read him my letter and he said he would love to catch up. It took me a few days to compose my letter but I got it sent off and he called me tuesday before Christmas. His dad had gone to KS to get him and he was in town – could we get together? Of course! I was hoping this would be it. Granted – I am engaged to a wonderful man. But I I believe that my friend needs to know that there are people that care. (wow – this is long – sorry) I did not expect to have this avalanche of emotions and memories to crash in on me like they did. And when I saw him, I did not recognize him. He had always been a soccer player, was always in shape and had great arms. But…he had a medium goatee, mustache and had gained maybe 30 pounds? Beer gut? or…he is on disability due to severe back problems, bad seizures…I’m not even sure what is all wrong. He’s had 3 OWI’s, so he doesn’t drive. He lives where the closest family and friends are 3 1/2 hours away. He did tell me that he’s been sober for 6 months now…actual meaning – he drinks now and then, but he hasn’t been falling down drunk. Okay, I’ll shorten this up…he goes back home after Christmas and calls me and tells me I was always a little ‘naive’. He doesn’t think my fiancee is good enough for me…blah blah blah. So I wrote him that he was not being fair…I kind of let him have it. So, now I’m wondering…I’m confused. In my letter I told him he was an alcoholic – like I did along time ago. But this time…he said my letter was harsh and that he was upset because I called him one. In the past 2 years, at one time he was a ‘cutter’. The proof was on his forearm. In the last 18 months, he totaled his truck. He was doing 75 on icy roads came up over a hill and slammed into a jack knifed semi. God only knows what else. And now he seems to be…I don’t know. He wants me to come down and visit him….he’ll pay for the gas. That’s not feasable. My fiancee has been very understanding, but that would not be okay on any level. What is he thinking?! And now I’m so afraid that he’ll do something stupid…He’s not the same and I guess neither am I. It’s like he’s only gone down, and you would think he would’ve hit bottom…He was very intelligent in school, in college he was majoring in aviation with a minor in biology – He had his pilot’s license! He came from a very well to do family. I know that the good person is still in there…somewhere. . .and like the last 12 years, it makes me very sad. He’s only 36. He tried to make me feel bad, I think, when I told him that it just wasn’t feasable for me to come visit him now. As we got off the phone, he sounded rejected and I told him to keep his chin up and have a good evening…he proceeded to tell me “yeah, I don’t think I will.” Seriously?! I think I know what I need to do…it just makes me sad. Thank you.

  • nikki

    My brother starting yelling and coming up to my face trying to justify why he is drinking and call me a so call masyia since i don’t drink. my kids were hiding expect for my oldest that had to hold him down since he came straight for me after telling him to leave. My two younger brothers too. what do i do or say? i saw photos of him abusing his girl friend too, last night. what do i do, please help.

  • Patrick

    @ MJ – I think you should get help from Al-Anon. I really think you should hit one of their meetings and share your story.

    @ Nikki – Sounds like it could escalate into something much worse, maybe? I would consider trying to change your living situation so you are not around that level of violence. If he is abusive then you should seek help and advice from someone locally. Good luck.

  • MJ

    @ Patrick – Where do I start? I did attend all of one Al-Anon meeting. Throughout the rest of the winter, he continued to drink, and that was combined with his 15 or so Rx meds, like hydrocodone, trazadone, alonzapine, lomotrigene, clornazapam, 1000mg of B-12, Folic Acid, and Lithium…were just the ones I looked up. He continued to cut himself. But, shhh! Don’t tell his dad. Well, I didn’t and maybe I should have, maybe he knew. His family was very ‘private’. I can’t help but wonder, if only they had admitted to themselves and others a long time ago…but the “What If’s” are running rampant these days. Sometime in April, we quit talking…one of the last conversations I remember…I heard a woman in the background asking what his pain level was…and when I asked who that was he said “no one.” I asked where he was and he said “you don’t want to know”. He was in the hospital again, and out and in since, probably February. So, at the end of some of the conversations, he always said, well, I won’t bother you anymore, I’ll leave you along. And I don’t really remember talking to him in May, June, or July. I thought about him everyday…but knew that nothing I said would change his mind. I had suggested Teen Challenge, almost had a report like style, sent it to his sister, and she was offended that I thought they hadn’t tried treatments. I know they had, but they had not tried That One. They were applying the ‘Tough Love’…sort of. You see, I’m guessing that he also had some sort of mental illness, and in regular treatment centers, they only focused on his addictions. He called me about a month ago, I was not home and he left a message with my daughter. “Tell your mom that I’m sorry for all those times that I was a jerk.” That would have been around his 37th birthday. I did not call him back, I knew I should, I thought about it every day. I just knew it would take at least an hour and it would be totally draining…so, I kept putting it off. Horrible friend that I am, yet again, I messed up. On July 31, he had been sitting in the backyard with his neighbors by the firepit they had built…drinking of course. Around midnight, he grew tired and excused himself for the night. They found him the next morning, he died from an accidental overdose of Rx meds. I have heard that the past 6 months had been very hard…he would call his dad at 1 am and then again at 3 am some nights. His dad of course talked to him and calmed him down…about what, I will never know. However the last couple of weeks before his death, he had been better. He had even talked to one of our high school classmates for a few minutes the Thursday before he passed away. And that classmate said he had sounded so good – like he did in high school and no stuttering either. He had been mowing for an elderly couple behind his apartment building and had told them that when mowing season was over, he would be going into rehab. I have many regrets, and my heart is broken. They cremated him before they brought him home, so I was not able to get the closure that I need. It makes it feel like he’s still somewhere out there. They buried him 1 month after his birthday. I know I’m not very good at these things, maybe I could have somehow saved him if I was. But what I do know, if you need to tell someone you love them or forgive them or that you need to apologize to, Please do it. We are only promised today, not tomorrow. The things you think will drain you while here on this earth, don’t begin to compare to what drains you when you lose someone you love – naturally, accidentally or on purpose. As I go through the grieving process, I’m sure I will grow and look at things differently. And somehow, I hope my story. . .his story will help someone. He was a good man, with a heart of gold. If you were in need, he would help anyway he could, and he wouldn’t stop to count the cost. He was not violent. He had a lot of demons, for too long. People have told me that there was nothing I could have done, but I’ll never know that for sure…I believe I…I am selfish. I want to believe I would have made a difference. Just a phone call…that’s all I…a letter to brighten his day. I didn’t get the chance to tell him that I had forgiven him, instantly…I didn’t carry his wrongs against him, I never did. Thank you.

  • Patrick

    @ MJ – I agree with the others… should not beat yourself up for not making that call, or trying to do more to help him.

    You see MJ, the emotional cost of making that phone call is a lot higher than you are giving credit for. It takes a lot of energy and even some sacrifice to be that involved with someone who is slowly self destructing. Do NOT beat yourself for keeping a healthy distance from him in order to maintain your own sanity.

    I work in a rehab. I have worked there for 5 years. Before that, I lived there for 2 years. I have seen dozens die from this disease. We do what we can to help, but we have to put our own mental and emotional health FIRST. Anything else is mental illness or codependency. By what you said, I can tell that you are a good person and did what you could, while still keeping healthy boundaries.

    Sober people are not supposed to bend over backwards to try and save an addict or a drunk. We do what we can and if that is not enough, then it is NOT your fault.

    I think you are a good person. God bless

  • Laura

    My mum is an alcoholic and I have said all of the above to her and nothing works she just says she like’s to have a drink and if nobody like’s it thats their problem! I dont even mind if she still drinks a bit I just want her to slow down on it and she wont go and get any help! Im really on the edge of walking out of her life.

  • Anna

    Laura, my Mum is an alcoholic too and the reason I haven’t left is gilt cos I can’t do it to her or my Dad. My Dad is so lonely and is now staring to drink too as my mum is always drunk so I now have both alcolic parents. I’ve just had a baby and now have to do something as I can’t cope with the worry and looking after my baby so I am going to set boundaries and say I am never cming to stay with you but will cme to a b&b and see you when you are sober. The only thing that vaguely helps me is reading other peoples stories and realising there are so many others in the same position. Sounds like you could do with setting some boundaries to help your own sanity as you sound as sad as I am. Please do, for your own sake and then you might not have to walk out on your mum and never see her againxxxx

  • Tom Nameless

    I started typing this really long story about how bad of an alcoholic my mom was, but then I thought about how many other people on here already know what i’m going to say next….

    I just needed to say thank you for helping me save my mom.

    P.S. God it feels so damn good to see the look on your moms face when she finally realizes what a loud, mean, hurtful, dumb bitch ho ABUSING wine made her to be haha.

  • Tara

    I have recently begun setting limits wiht my alcoholic, who is my boyfriend and my son’s father. Through the help of my counselor and recently attending Al-anon meetings, I’ve found the strength to take care of myself instead of trying to change his behavior.

    My limit with him is that he is not allowed to comsume alcohol in my house, nor is he allowed to come over after he’s been drinking at all.

    Limit one, easy. Limit two, not so easy, as I found out today. I’ve been with him for many years and think I know his symptoms, but now I’m not sure. He also smokes weed, but it has a different effect on him than alchol. So today he came home and I found myself much to worried about assessing his physical, emotional, and mental state to see if he had been drinking or not. He said no, but I’m not sure I believe him.

    So, do I change my limit? I’m thinking I will have to. If I suspect he’s been drinking, he’s gone…which leaves room for error, but I can’t trust him to tell me.

  • Sandra

    Tara, I understand what you’re going through. I have been off and on with my ex bf for 3.5 yrs. He has pretty much been drinking heavily the whole time, binge drinking. Except for a couple months at the end, btu then he was so restless all the time, and not getting therapy, not going to AA meetings…I knew he was drinking when he went back to his place. He told me “You stifle me” -I couldn’t take it so I ended it. Of course, once he was away from me he started binge drinking again.

    The problem with setting boundaries and limits, instead of just walking away, is that you can’t trust an alcoholic or addict. You will tell them, don’t drink around me or don’t drink in my house-they’ll just hide it. They lie about everything. Before you know it, you’re going crazy and feeling like they are “gaslighting” you.

    I think walking away is the best thing to do. It also lets them feel the consequences of their behavior.

  • lenny

    i was with a alcoholic for 3 yrs it was the worse thing i had ever been thru in my life . for the first seven months we were together i did nt no she drank everyday because i worked out of town .i leave on mondays and come back on fridays. so when my job out of town ended i was home for good and then i noticed the the problem but i was in love with her and didnt want to leave because of that and i would fell like a coward if left her and did nothin to try to help her with problem . so i stuck around and for another yr shit seemed to get worse there was nothing !!!!!!! i mean nothing !!!!!! i could say to her that this fucked up addiction his destroying everything .so i walked out and neved came back i was killing my self watching this happen , so people out there if ur dealing with this problem .. you need to worry about ur self trust me it will be the move for you leave dont stick around if u know there is a problem it will make u sick

  • Debra

    I was in a relationship for 25 years with a alcoholic. He is a MLCer and got involved with a 25 yr old ex meth addict turned alcoholic. Funny how you care for these people and they do these things to the people who are closest to them. I finally divorced him. It was very hard due to the fact the girl is very proud of her drinking and her getting the guy..Well I have seen some aweful thing since then. I just dont understand the denial, anger, and self distruction. Any one have any ideas on why the lying, cheating, and the narcicisim? I have not attendend any Alon meetings, however seeing this page I may to better my understanding of the Alcoholic- Co dependent relationship.
    Thank You all and God Be with All of you

  • Andrea

    OK… so I’ve been doing my research… but nothing seems to apply completely to my situation. My father is an alcoholic. His health is shot. He has been given the miracle of life, TWICE. He is literally knocking on deaths door everyday. The doctor at the hospital told him, the first time, that people come in with his condition, on 1 in 3 make it. And this has happened twice. Lost story on the condition, basically his liver is shot, kidneys are a wreck, he has varicose veins growing up through his liver, through his esophagus, when he drinks, the veins get bigger and bigger until they explode. The last time this happened, the ER doctors were frantic to save his life, he had lost over half the blood in his body, and was barely brought back. So as you can see, I don’t really have the time to wait for him to admit he has a problem. The doctor has told him he has a problem, he admitted he had a problem in the hospital… but it is still going on, so he going to have to admit he still has a problem? I don’t know what to do or say to him? Do I talk to him on my own? Do I call on family for an intervention, do I call a daytime talk show for help? I need help and I need it now.
    Thanks for any advice.

  • Patrick

    @ Andrea – That sounds like an extreme case and I think you are right, you don’t have the luxury of waiting for him to admit to his problem.

    I would contact legal help and see if you have the option of committing him in your state for substance abuse. (Some states can and some cannot). Then look into the argument that you can commit him for danger to himself.

    Good luck.

  • Hillary

    Hi. I’ve read all these posts up here & it’s nice to know we’re not the only ones. I have a daughter who is almost two years old & I’m 23 years of age. I feel older than that considering what I’ve experienced. I’m an alcoholic in recovery. It’s been almost ten months come November this year.

    My daughter’s father & I had drank together a few times before in the past. It didn’t take him much to realize that I have the chip the size of Rhode Island on my shoulders. One 40-oz in my system, the past would be reeling through my mind like a huge snowballing effect just waiting to drown me in a tidal wave & no way out.

    There is a way out if you realize what you’re creating yourself to be…a monster, someone who you never wanted to be.

    I never wanted to be anything like my Mother as I was growing up. She literally chose alcohol over me & my older sister numerous of times. It really hurt each time. This is our Mother who is supposed to care & nurture for us. She had a lot of her own problems that went way back into her childhood then her Mother (my grandmother) had her problems that went way back into her childhood as well. I guess it just really c0mes down to YOU breaking the CYCLE.

    We are all part of a cycle. A sick cycle that could suck us in & throw you around like a rag doll with no direction if you choose alcohol to be into your life.

    So yes, Mom beat us up. Mom let us live with her older brother who happened to be a pedophile & molested us for over a year while Mom was in the half-way house for multiple DUI’s. Yes, Mom would get extremely intoxicated & breathe false drunken accusations down my neck for hours until she’s near to passing out. Yes, Mom left me black eyes & tried cutting my head off because I walked in on her having intercourse with some random gross man she brought home from the bar, even though she’s married to someone else who is gone for two weeks at work. Yes, Mom was never there & she never opened her eyes to the train-wreckage path she’s left in our lives.

    I realize all this. I accept that this hurts me. If it hurts me, then I remember as a six year old child that I was, I feel betrayed. I feel alone. I feel unloved. It was all because she continually chose alcohol over her own daughters.

    I really…fully…wholeheartedly realize this.

    I’m breaking the cycle today. I’m breaking the cycle tomorrow.

    I will never let my daughter see what I’ve seen. I will shelter my daughter from the darkness. After all, nothing grows in the dark. I will love her to the very best that I can without alcohol in my life. I want her to know that she is more important than alcohol & I’m not going to be the selfish one & betray my own self after what I’ve been through.

    Every bad thing that ever happened that I can pin-point in my life & anyone else beside me, it ALWAYS came down to the source of alcohol. Always, every single time.

    If my daughter is a blessing,
    why will I let her live life like it’s a curse?

    Okay, like I said…I’m recovering.

    Why should anyone do that with their own actions?

  • Baloo

    Ah, familiar stories of childhood memories. My husband and I both come from long stretching roots of alcoholism. We made a decision 14 years ago to break the cycle and have been blessed with a great life.
    Today, I find myself carrying a burden that I do not know if it is mine to carry. Let me give a quick run down of the situation.
    My brother-in-law is an alcoholic in denial. He has never grown up. He is good looking, has a great personality and can sell ice to an eskimo. Did I mention he is in denial about his drinking? He drinks every day, he has had trouble holding jobs in the past. Great jobs, career positions, not just your pass the time jobs. He was dishonorably discharged from the Navy for drinking. He lost his job at the railroad for drinking. It goes on and on.
    He has 2 daughters. Signed over parental rights to the oldest one because it was easier for his bank account, and easier to take the cowards path.
    He married the other daughter’s mom. When their daughter was 7, his wife divorced him. She was diagnosed with breast cancer before she made the decision to end their marriage. She battled it with courage and the will to live for her daughter. She lost that battle 3 years ago.
    Her worst nightmare was that he would continue to be an alcoholic and their daughter would suffer the consequences. I promised her I would be there as much as I could for my niece.

    Fast forward: 3 years have passed, my niece is now 15 and it is a real living nightmare.
    Her dad remained unemployed for almost 2 years, milking the unemployment benefits and getting the SSI each month for her, from her mothers death. He has cheated through 3 semesters of college, dropped out, and now is working again. My niece is in high school and her boyfriends parents sell medical marijuana for a living, and she thinks their home is more stable than her own dad.

    I have tried offering her a place to live with my family, we have a nice, large home. Several other family members have done the same. She is now at the age where she has made the choice of preferring her boyfriend and friends over the security of the stability her family has offered to her. She uses her dad’s alcoholism to her benefit now.
    She used to play all kinds of sports. She used to participate in extra activities and clubs at school. She used to love to be around her family, and now she avoids us because her dad will put restrictions on her if she ends up telling us something inadvertently that he has neglected to do, whether it has to do with school or sports, or any extra activities.
    He provides no guidance to her, if it doesn’t fit with his drinking schedule. He lets her go with anyone if it frees up time for him to drink socially. If he does ground her, it doesn’t matter because it lasts only until his next scheduled episode of drinking. (Daily)
    His bad habits have rubbed off on her. She has no work ethic. She is not motivated to do better than what she has been shown. He has not taught her to plan for the future, to look forward to her future.
    I hired her at my company and a she tried pulling my heart strings and ‘setting’ her own hours. I put my foot down and told her the supervisor in the department she was working in was in charge of her hours and would have to discuss those changes with her immediate supervisor. Her employment was based on us finding jobs for her to do. It is not a huge business, it employs about 15 people on average.
    I had her supervisor call her to ask her to come in to work this week. She would not reply to her. She doesn’t want to work, apparently.
    My niece has a twirp formal dance coming up. This is the one where the girl pays. She wants to do drivers ed -which costs 200.00 if you take it during the school year. Those 2 things combined is an easy 500.00 bill. (Her dad is constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul – in regards to his financial situation and recent bout of unemployment).
    Meanwhile, the same day she was asked to come back to work, she texted & asked me to take her shopping for a prom dress and also mentioned that she would like to now look for the Ugg Boots I told her I would buy for her, at the beginning of the school year.
    When I tried asking her dad why she wouldn’t reply to her supervisor about work, he wouldn’t discuss it. I then told him I had stuck my neck out for her and her lack of a reply was rude and I wanted to know why she didn’t want to come in. I was then told to mind my own business, that it was her loss. What?
    He knows she asked me to take her shopping. So it’s ok for her to not work for anything, but instead expect family members to buy her things because we feel bad because she lost her momma and lives with an lying alcoholic.
    I need to let go of this burden. I know I can’t change him. I could care less if he spent the rest of his days drunk if it was only him. But my niece, she is a child, and she did not choose this life. She was dealt an unfair hand, she has support and outlets, but she now has come to the point in her life where she is faced with which path to take, and it is not the one we had offered her, or hoped for.
    I am helpless to his addiction. My heart is heavy, my anger burns, I feel like I have to fight for this child who doesn’t want me to. I feel like I have to do this for her mother who cannot be here for her.
    Advice? It is to the point where he avoids all of us, so getting her to Al-ateen meetings would be nearly impossible.
    What else can I do? I try to be there for her, but our visits usually end up with me buying her things she wants. With all the other emotions, she is now old enough to know right from wrong, and I am beginning to feel used.

  • Rhonda

    @Baloo- I can try to give you some insight. I just recently cut all ties to my alcoholic Mother, I am 31 and I have 3 children. In regards to your niece what she needs is stability and discipline. She is so used to being in a chaotic situation with the alcoholic parent that it has become her “normal” and obviously she has learned how to take advantage of certain aspects of that life. I understand she pulls at your heart but you should not give in and buy her things, she needs to learn responsibility which her Father obviously can’t show her, so look at it as you are teaching her necessities for life, which Im sure her mother would appreciate more than the pair of Uggs you promised her.

  • Anonymous

    @baloo Is the boyfriend’s home unstable in some way? Telling me his parents sell herbs to cancer patients really doesn’t imply that. it merely implies that you disapprove.

  • Anonymous

    help me

  • Laura

    I come from a family with both an alcoholic mother & father. My father has been sober on & off for many years, and completly sober for 6 years now. It was a case of just leaving him there in his drunken state, that I think made him change. We have a great relationship. My mother has been killing herself for years. I finally cut her off from my life and the life of my children about 4 mos ago. She is now in a recovery center, with the grace of God she will last the full month rehab. But my biggest fear is will she forgive me for turning my back on her. She is my mother, will she see the bigger picture, or will she still be so bitter (she was a very bitter drunk).

  • Angela Marshall

    I come from a father that were a alcoholic, my brother lived with me and he is a alcoholic he disrespect me for second time i asked him to leave, so now he asking me to forgive him and can he come back after he been gone for three weeks , i really dont know what to do i told him we need to talk more,. please help me with this decision he have no where good to go.

  • jackie

    Ive been reading some of the comments and its like being connected, the same things happeing, the enabling of some relatives, in mine life its mymother, she enables my 45 year old brother, hes beeen out of control since hes 20s, he drinks everyday, every day from sunup to sun down, 30-50 beers, i dont expect him to change anymore, i dont answer the calls from jail anymore, if my mother wants to give him her last cent, thats up her but i will not give in to the insanity, she thinks im a bad sister because i wont help, ive been dealing with this nightmare since i was 15 with his drinking, im 48 now that is the advice that i would give someone who is in same situation, avoid contact, you cannot help an alcoholic, they have to want it as much as you do, and sometimes they dont, they like the chaos. My mother is 81 she just diagnosed with macular degeneration, she cares more about her drunk son than her own health, it boggles my mind. I will keep my distance and my sanity.

  • Anonymous

    It’s a long journey living with an alcoholic isn’t it? Literally, it has taken me ten years to reach this point where I am strong enough, secure enough, confident enough about my decision to end my marriage to my husband.

    All those years I spent wishing and hoping it would, I don’t know, magically get better. What was I thinking? Well, this past week I reached my tipping point and made the decision to leave .

    For years I was stifled thinking about what to do with the house, what to tell family and friends, his lack of steady work, etc. I worried about everything except for me and now I see that “worry” was my way of not facing the inevitable.

    Today’s the day I think of me. I’m leaving and not looking back. Remember folks, if you’re looking back then you’re not moving forward.

  • kathy

    Ive lived with an alcoholic for years and im tired of it, i look at him and no longer want to live with him, i dont want to spend the rest of my life with this person . when he drinks he comes home and yells and call me name all the time.then turns it around and blames it on to me. meanwhile hes been out at the bar after work until midnight, whats wrong with this picture, alot of things, why doesnt he leave, hes not happy living with me, but he wont go, so i got to do it

  • Lost

    I have been married to my husband for six years, and he has been drinking since the start, every weekend! he lost his job this year and it has been a nightmare. He threatened me tonight, and I just don’t know what to do. I told him I would call the police, and he walked away. I have never been around any alcoholic. I have pleaded, cried, threatened to leave, but it’s true they don’t care. I think I’m ready to leave him.

  • Sue Stemen

    My daughter is an alcoholic and nothing seems to stop her from drinking. She has been in rehab, the hospital many times and has almost lost her life and has been in all kinds of bad dangerous situations. If you tell them no alcohol in the house and they hide it, what do you do, confront them or act like you don’t see it?

  • Kathy

    My boyfriend has a drinking problem and says he wants to stop drinking and needs my help. Last night he drank and I dont know what I am supposed to say to him when he confesses this to me. I want to support him but not inable him.

  • Rita

    My alcoholic got to 18 beers a day. For months he yelled at me, slammed doors, threw a punch at me, kicked me, stole from me, accused me of made-up things. Then he told me he went out and found a new life. Then a few days later brought home a woman 17 years younger than him. They went into the bedroom and locked the door. I didn’t matter at all. He then had me removed from our home with a bogus restraining order. After 2 weeks out of my home and him and her using my bed, towels, etc. I went back home and he filed another and different bogus retraining order that same day, just because I told him I needed a few days to make some arrangements. I had to leave, and he still felt the need to keep calling me. Then the new girlfriend called me. GET AWAY FROM AN ABUSIVE ALCOHOLIC BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!! or you’ll find yourself homeless, staying at a friend’s, stuff in storage, and struggling with your emotions and thoughts!!!!

  • Bonghit68

    After 6 stormy months, I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a boozer. She had DUI’s before I met her but I looked over that, in hindsight that was a mistake. Her drinking got worse until November 15, 2013 when I had enough and left her at the bar. She was trying to pick up another guy and invite him into MY CAR (I was 100% sober), I refused and had enough.

  • Anonymous

    I’m having the same problem…he knew for a while but this weekend he told me he needs rehab…do I stage an intervention, talk to his fam…I don’t know what to do. I love him and will never leave him. he’s a very loving man. and not an abusive or hurtful drunk, bit I can’t see him suffer any longer. I want him to be healthy and be around for when we have children . he’s not depressed or anything he’s just built this stupid weekend drinking habit, in excess. it’s killing him and me and his mama is worried…help!!!

  • Altéz Survival

    My father is an alcoholic. He drinks an entire 5th of liquor every single night, and screams at us all night long. He disturbs the neighbors, and makes us look bad.
    We have tried SO hard to make him see the error of his ways, but he thinks we are the problem. Nothing is ever his fault, and he doesn’t understand that when he screams hurtful things at my mother, it hurts me and my siblings instead of her. My mom is strong, in every way except for this.. we cant take it anymore. My mother cant take it anymore. She wants him to change, I know she loves him to some extent, but he’s only getting worse. We need help.

  • nancy drew

    I am in the same situation. I wish i did not love him so much. Its a no win situation. He drinks he is verbaly abusive. And he has bypola and when he dont take his meds he is 100 times worse. He has been drinking big bottels of wiskey 3 so far for 3 days now.and hurt my family by saying cruel things. About my daughter i just dont know what to do i talk to him its like talking to a wall. And when he is sober without taking his bypola meds he wont listen he gets mad at me. I dont know how to make him stop or if im just waisting time

  • trisha

    My father in law is 70yrs old he lives with us he is a complete alcoholic. We have tried everything to get him to stop drinking. He has wrecked his car twice drunk driving. The kids & I try to be gone as much as possible however I am his care taker for meds & food. His doctor is aware of everything yet still has not taken his License away & told him to try & slow his drinking. ….. He is diabetic Pluse so many other things about 17 pills A Day then doc tells me to stop harping on him. .. . What can we do to get him help he makes no sense half the time puts things from yrs ago & acts like it was yesterday.

  • Sophie

    mum has drank for almost 7 years following an abusive relationship and has been to rehab three times. I try the whole ‘if you loved us you’d stop’ and so on but she doesn’t, she just told me she had yet she smelt of vodka and continued to fall over and said it’s because she didn’t get her counselling when I confronted. but I don’t know what to do and I’d go and stay with my dad(whose really ill with a terminal disease) but I worry for my younger siblings. Please someone help.. She pushe everyone away, doesn’t care about anything I have to say and I’m sick of doing her jobs!! She stays in bed all day everyday and thinks nothing of it. I’m such of being treated like rubbish but no one can help me..

  • Patti

    I have read all your stories and I am so sorry for you all.
    I to have grown up with a alcoholic/bipoliar father. Ive gone threw the head games, the blames, the hurt feelings, the discussed but I have also seen the sober side off and on. I am now 43yrs old and have cut all ties with him. I can not allow this man into my kids life and start playing with there lives.
    For those that are in a relationship with an alcoholic, all I can say is, I get when you say you love them But they rely on you! This puts a lot of stress on you!! You cant change them only they can do that for themselves. If they don’t want treatment with you by there side as support then you need to step away and not be the crutch anymore. Some will do the right thing but then there are some that will continue doing what there doing and that’s a reality that You will have to face and accept.
    If its a parent, I feel for you and have been there. Is there no one in your family that you can talk too and stay with, if there siblings, see if they can help you all. There are places you can call to help you and your siblings get out of the situation.
    I started counselling in my late 20s and I was asked, How does it feel being an adult all your life….. till this day that question sticks in my head. I never really looked at it that way but its true!!
    You are all strong people young or old!!! You can not change an alcoholic but you don’t need to bring yourself down with them. Your health, wellness and well-being is important. Don’t loose youself!!!! Thinking of you all

  • thanks

    Well-done blog. There’s lots to thing about here.

  • Murphy Chloe

    Hello friends i want to share my testimony and how grateful i’m since my lover came back to me because of the grate help Lord Masuka whose email address is render to me. my boyfriend broke up with me first week of july this year because he thought i was cheating on him, he told me that his friends has been telling him that i have been seeing someone else when he is not around i tried to make him understand that his friends are lieing to him but he did not give me the chance to explain to him this was how he left me. after a month of our breakup i tried to live a normal life without him but it was very hard for me to cope then i decided to contact Lord masuka via his mobile number +2347053105287 and his email address which i came across this months September 12th during my search looking for help how to get my lover back he cast a love spell for me and make my lover to come back to me within the period of 48hours. with this grate joy in my heart i want to say a big thanks to lord masuka he is the best spell caster and he is the best solution.

  • sarah

    I ordered a spell on a Friday night and on Monday the place I applied for a job called for me to come by their office. They gave me the job I applied for and made me an offer of more per hour than I have ever made in my life! I am so happy! The government jobs sometimes are a slow process. You somehow managed to speed up that process, and Istart in just a few days! dr,kokotemple i will be forever grateful thank ones again ok you can call on him for help on his email address dr,

  • Bida Stacey


    Am Bida Stacey by name My ex-boyfriend dumped me 6 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don’t know what to do,
    a friend of mine introduce me to the Dr Harrison by giving me his email, i never believed until
    I contact him and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3 days that my ex will return
    to me, and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. for more information contact me on I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we got MARRIED.all thanks to Dr Harrison. (seeing is believing) just put him to test and see his mighty power. If you have a similar problem please contact him on SACREDSPELLTEMPLE@HOTMAIL.COM

  • Bida Stacey


    Am Bida Stacey by name My ex-boyfriend dumped me 6 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don’t know what to do,
    a friend of mine introduce me to the Dr Harrison by giving me his email, i never believed until
    I contact him and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3 days that my ex will return
    to me, and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. for more information contact me on I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we got MARRIED.all thanks to Dr Harrison. (seeing is believing) just put him to test and see his mighty power. If you have a similar problem please contact him on SACREDSPELLTEMPLE@HOTMAIL.COM,

  • Bida Stacey


    Am Bida Stacey by name My ex-boyfriend dumped me 6 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don’t know what to do,
    a friend of mine introduce me to the Dr Harrison by giving me his email, i never believed until
    I contact him and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3 days that my ex will return
    to me, and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. for more information contact me on I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we got MARRIED.all thanks to Dr Harrison. (seeing is believing) just put him to test and see his mighty power. If you have a similar problem please contact him on SACREDSPELLTEMPLE@HOTMAIL.COM.

  • Bida Stacey


    Am Bida Stacey by name My ex-boyfriend dumped me 6 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don’t know what to do,
    a friend of mine introduce me to the Dr Harrison by giving me his email, i never believed until
    I contact him and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3 days that my ex will return
    to me, and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. for more information contact me on I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we got MARRIED.all thanks to Dr Harrison. (seeing is believing) just put him to test and see his mighty power. If you have a similar problem please contact him on SACREDSPELLTEMPLE@HOTMAIL.COM

  • Bida Stacey


    Am Bida Stacey by name My ex-boyfriend dumped me 6 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don’t know what to do,
    a friend of mine introduce me to the Dr Harrison by giving me his email, i never believed until
    I contact him and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3 days that my ex will return
    to me, and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. for more information contact me on I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we got MARRIED.all thanks to Dr Harrison. (seeing is believing) just put him to test and see his mighty power. If you have a similar problem please contact him on SACREDSPELLTEMPLE@HOTMAIL.COM,

  • Bida Stacey


    Am Bida Stacey by name My ex-boyfriend dumped me 6 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don’t know what to do,
    a friend of mine introduce me to the Dr Harrison by giving me his email, i never believed until
    I contact him and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3 days that my ex will return
    to me, and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. for more information contact me on I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we got MARRIED.all thanks to Dr Harrison. (seeing is believing) just put him to test and see his mighty power. If you have a similar problem please contact him on SACREDSPELLTEMPLE@HOTMAIL.COM.


    I want to thank God for the use of DR IDUMOTA as my source of salvation after 2 years of unemployment and my lover left me alone for 2 years, only broken heart until I met after a testimony ladies how was helped by the same DR. IDUMOTA, so decided to contact him and when I told him all my problems laughed and said this is not a problem. everything will be fine in three days. Exactly on the third day of my ex lover call me surprised me and what surprised me was that a company applies for more than four months ago called and said I should return to work as soon as possible.Am very grateful to DR. IDUMOTA, if you wish to contact him, his email is ( it makes the spell as follows
    (1) If you want your ex back.
    (2) you need a divorce in your relationship
    (3) Want to be promoted in his office.
    (4) Would you men and women run after you.
    (5) If you want a child.
    (6) Do you want to be rich.
    (7) You want to tie your husband and wife to be yours forever.
    (8) If you need financial assistance.
    (9)Herbal Care Contact him today
    ( Be Useful judge sin emphasize Today

  • Michelle Swanton

    I am Michelle Swanton From United Kingdom, Scotland, This Testimony Center on Dr Ovia A very powerful Love spell Caster that Wiped my tears away when i was passing through pains and difficulties as a result of Heart Brake. My boyfriend left me just because We had an Argument and Since then He didn’t call me or Text me again, I was really missing him and i had to Contact someone that will be able to help me, I contacted Dr Ovia and he brought him back to me within two days, I am happy Sharing this testimony for you to see and for you to know that there is someone out there who is powerful and can help anyone passing through same problem or any other problem Like :
    Financial Breakthrough
    Curing of Sickness/Diseases
    Spiritual Protection
    Business Spell
    Reuniting of Marriage
    Bringing of Divorced husband/Wife back
    Court Case
    Money Spell and Lot’s More
    You can contact Dr Ovia on his personal Website on: or you contact him Via His Valid Emails on and

  • Lisa Castellie

    Hello everyone am Lisa Catellie i want to share a live testimony on how Dr Trust was able to bring my husband back to me, myself and my husband were on a serious breakup, even before then we were always quarreling fighting and doing different ungodly act.. My husband packed his things out of the house and we had to live in different area, despite all this i was looking for a way to re_unite with my husband, not until i met Dr Trust the great spell caster who was able to bring my husband back home, and he assured me that my husband will come back to me within 48hours hours after he has finish the preparation of the love spell.I am very glade today to tell the world that Doctor Trust is truly a man of his word because my husband came back to me and fell on his knees begging me to forgive him and accept him back….Today my family is back again and we are happy living fine and healthy, with Dr Trust all my dream came through in re_uniting my marriage, friends in case you need the help of Dr Trust kindly mail him on( or or

    call him on +2348156885231, Sir i will forever recommend you!!!…

  • Frank Rachel


    My name is Frank Rachel and I base in USA…“My life is back!!! After
    almost a year of Broken Relationship, my boyfriend left me with a broken
    heart. I felt like my life was about to end i almost committed suicide,
    i was emotionally down for a very long time. Thanks to a spell caster
    called DR OBA, which i met online.On one faithful day, as I was browsing
    through the internet,I came across a lot of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their
    Ex lover back,
    Ex Husband
    Cure Cancer,

    And other Sickness,some testified that he can cast a spell to stop
    Divorce and so on. i also come across one particular testimony,it was
    about a woman called WALTER ALIYAH, she testified about how he brought
    back her Ex lover in less than 48hours, and at the end of her testimony
    she dropped DR,OBA’s E-mail address, After
    reading all these,I decided to give it a try. I contacted him and
    explained my problem to him, and DR OBA assured me that i will get my
    Boyfriend back in the next 48hours.What an amazing statement!! I never
    believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do,
    Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my boyfriend who didn’t call me
    for the past (11 Months),gave me a call in just 2 days, my boyfriend
    came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than
    before. DR,OBA is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him
    because he is a wonderful man. If you have a problem and you are
    looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems
    for you. Try anytime, he is the answer to your

  • ThomasMoore

    Sometimes i ask myself, what really make those who claim to love you stay ? Is it the feel of protection, or the feeling that their money is enough to make someone endure their presence until it all blows away or the feeling of love, or is it all these wrapped in one big gift bag? I never got to know the answer to my question and i may never get the answer. You see, i had money or rather i can say i had enough to care for my ex wife now and my two kids and heaven know i gave my wife then all the love she needed from me in every way i can imagine or possibly give love. I gave my family protection, love and everything one can ever ask for in one big gift bag. Now speaking of my ex wife, i did the impossible to see she was happy all the time because i loved her so much that seeing her happy really makes me happy. But it seems to my ex wife money and the good life was everything and love, was nothing but an illusion. Some how in a way one thing leading to another i lost my job at J.P Morgan as an accountant and just like that my beautiful world of colors as i knew it, came down crashing on me. Being not in my youth and vibrant age it was so impossible to get a new job. No one wanted to heir someone like me i mean if it were me, i sure as he** wouldn’t heir me. They all needed a fresh young and updated version of me. After six months my bills started pilling up i was so late on my mortgage and every hard thing that happens when someone losses his job just as a finger snap was happening to me. My wife being my wife saw this and thought there was no way out and then she felt me filed for a divorce and wanted to take all i had left. The one thing that kept me from breaking just as i watched my life come to end. She wanted to take my girls from me and have them rised by her lover. This will be a very long tale if i start on how she got herself a new man off course with money and managed to make him fall for her just as i did so i will just skip that part. The fight for custody went on and i was going to loss in all ways because i had just lost my job and house was gone and i was diagnosed to be emotionally unstable. By some cosmic accident that i don’t even believe in, i found a witch doctor named Mutton Osun on the internet who out of desperation i contacted for help and somehow placed all my hope on and heave bless him, he lived up to his words. I poured on him my sorrows,I told him how i lost my job ,my wife and how i was about to lose my girls and he listened and comforted me via telephone. Speaking to Mutton Osun healed my heart and gave me hope again. Mutton Osun is a rear gem that can not be easily found. I wanted him to help me get back my job and win my girls custody battle. He asked me to get some materials which was going to be used to get a spell done to grant my request. I gave him the money to get the materials for me because it saved me a lot of expenses. After four day he sent me a package asking that i follow the instruction he left along with the package. I did all he asked of me and like a miracle i was called back to my job at J .P Morgan with them saying i have been given a second chance after six month? and just after the spell? it only explained on thing that the spell is at work and i won the custody case of my girls just as i asked. I should have asked for my wife back but no she caused me so much pain and every bit of love for her ,was dead. You reading should not just believe me. Contact Mutton Osun let him help you and your problem them you will believe all this is as real as it gets. Use this as contact godsofosunx @ roc ket mail. com

    note: roc ket mail. com is joined together like every other email format