Photo by in retrospect
This is a guest post from Adi Jaffe, from All About Addiction. I hope you enjoy it, as it is always nice to get some fresh perspective!
By the time I was done with my addiction to meth, I had racked up 4 arrests, 9 felonies, a $750,000 bail, a year in jail, and an eight year suspended sentence to go along with my 5 year probation period.
The kid my parents knew was going nowhere, and fast. That s why I was surprised when they came to my rescue after 3 years of barely speaking to them. My lawyer recommended that I check into a rehab facility immediately; it was our only line of defense.
I had long known that I had an addiction problem when I first checked myself into rehab. Still, my reason for going in was my legal trouble. Within 3 months, I was using again, but the difference was that this time, I felt bad about it. I had changed in those first three months. The daily discussions in the treatment facility, my growing relationship with my parents, and a few sober months (more than I had had in years) were doing their job. I relapsed as soon as I went back to work in my studio, which was a big trigger for me, but using wasn t any fun this time.
I ended up being kicked out of that facility for providing a positive urine test. My parents were irate. I felt ashamed though I began using daily immediately. My real lesson came when I dragged myself from my friend s couch to an AA meeting one night. I walked by a homeless man who was clearly high when the realization hit me:
I was one step away from becoming like this man.
You see, when I was in the throes of my addiction, I had money because I was selling drugs. I had a great car, a motorcycle, an apartment and my own recording studio. After my arrest though, all of that had been taken away. I just made matters worse by getting myself thrown out of what was serving as my home, leaving myself to sleep on a friend s couch for the foreseeable future.
Something had to change.
I woke up the next morning, smoked some meth, and drove straight to an outpatient drug program offered by my health insurance. I missed the check in time for that day, but I was told to come back the next morning, which I did. I talked to a counselor, explained my situation, and was given a list of sober-living homes to check out.
As I did this, I kept going to the program s outpatient meetings, high, but ready to make a change. I was going to do anything I could so as not to end up homeless, or a lifetime prisoner. I had no idea how to stop doing the one thing that had been constant in my life since the age of 15, but I was determined to find out.
When I showed up at the sober-living facility that was to be the place where I got sober, I was so high I couldn t face the intake staff. I wore sunglasses indoors at 6 PM. My bags were searched, I was shown to my room, and the rest of my life began.
I wasn t happy to be sober, but I was happier doing what these people told me than I was fighting the cops, the legal system, and the drugs. I had quite a few missteps, but I took my punishments without a word, knowing they were nothing compared to the suffering I d experience if I left that place.
Overall, I have one message to those struggling with getting clean:
If you want to get past the hump of knowing you have a problem but not knowing what to do about it, the choice has to be made clear. This can t be a game of subtle changes. No one wants to stop using if the alternative doesn t seem a whole lot better. For most of us, that means hitting a bottom so low that I can t be ignored. You get to make the choice of what the bottom will be for you.
You don t have to almost die, but you might; losing a job could be enough, but if you miss that sign, the next could be the streets; losing your spouse will sometimes do it, but if not, losing your shared custody will hurt even more.
At each one of these steps, you get to make a choice Do I want things to get worse or not?
Ask yourself that question while looking at the price you ve paid up to now. If you re willing to go even lower for that next hit, I say go for it. If you think you want to stop but can t seem to really grasp just how far you ve gone, get a friend you trust, a non-using friend, and have them tell you how they see the path your life has taken.
It s going to take a fight to get out, but if I beat my addiction, you can beat yours.
By now, I m close to finishing my Ph.D. at UCLA, one of the top universities in the world. I study addiction research, publish an addiction blog at allaboutaddiction.com, and have set my goals on changing the way our society deals with drug abuse and addiction. Given everything I ve accomplished by now, the choice should have seemed clear before my arrest but it wasn t.