Addiction, Recovery, and Relationships
Addiction, recovery, and relationships – this is such a broad and important topic that it is tough to address all of these ideas in one post, but I’m going to try. I have seen so many people experience problems with relationships throughout my recovery that it is just ridiculous.
Photo by funkybug
Recovery is all about relationships, in fact. Think about it. What would recovery be like on a deserted island? You wouldn’t even need a recovery program or anything else to help you get through your day. The only relationship that would need cultivating would be the one you have with yourself, and there would be plenty of time for that because there wouldn’t be any other people around! This little thought experiment gives us a key insight into recovery: it’s all about relationships and finding peace and balance within them.
Those of us in 12 step programs have undoubtedly heard the saying: “resentment is the number one offender when it comes to relapse.” But what is a resentment? It is a problem that we have with a relationship.
So relationships in recovery can be a bit of a double-edged sword. Of course they are necessary and they can provide us with joy and fulfillment in many different ways, but at the same time, relationships can be somewhat dangerous, especially for the newly recovering drug addict or alcoholic.
Let’s dig in and examine relationships and see if we can find some universal truths and any practical conclusions here:
Your relationship with yourself
They say that in early recovery, you have to develop 3 relationships in order to be successful: a relationship with yourself, a relationship with a higher power, and a relationship with a sponsor. For the bewildered newcomer in recovery who is just coming off of drugs and alcohol, figuring out how to have a “relationship with yourself” can be a bit perplexing. I mean really….what the heck does that mean?
For me it meant a couple of things, much of which I did not figure out for the first several years of my sobriety. The first thing it meant was that I had to forgive myself. When I first got clean and sober, the shame and guilt I was carrying for all of the crap I had lived through in active addiction was dragging my down and keeping me stuck. I had to let go of all that emotional turmoil and allow myself to start living again. People in recovery would say “give yourself a break” and I never understood what they meant. What they meant was that you have to allow yourself to start over with a clean slate and forgive yourself for all the chaos you just went through if you ever want to hold your head up again. So forgiving yourself is critical in early recovery. It’s a big part of building a strong relationship with yourself. The biggest amends you make is to yourself.
Another part of your relationship with yourself really takes a long time to uncover–this is the process of truly getting to know yourself all over again. In active addiction, I had covered up those parts of myself for so long with the drugs and alcohol that I had no idea what my life was about anymore. Strip away all of the drugs and alcohol and you are left with a shell of a person–one that needs to learn how to live again and start putting themselves out there and trying new things.
The creative theory of recovery addresses this specifically because it pushes people to find both passion and purpose in their new life. Developing a relationship with yourself becomes natural when you are living with real purpose, helping others in recovery, and creating a powerful new life for yourself.
Your relationship with a higher power
This can be a touchy subject for some but it doesn’t have to be. Consider the different ranges of beliefs that various people will have upon entering recovery: some will believe in God, some will be hard line atheists, others might believe only in the force of the “universe” or in nature as their higher power. All of these belief stances allow for some cultivation of a spiritual relationship, be it through prayer and meditation, studying of religious texts, reconnecting with nature, or simply expressing gratitude to the universe for existence itself.
Photo by wili hybrid
In other words, regardless of your specific belief system, you can work on your relationship with a higher power in some fashion. Doing so is part of the foundation of the creative theory of recovery, as spirituality is the “glue” that holds the whole program together. Focus on the spiritual principles that come from your spiritual relationship, such as forgiveness and gratitude and compassion for others. These principles are the guiding forces in your recovery and a key reason to continue cultivating your relationship with a higher power.
Romantic relationships in early recovery
Romantic relationships are only one small part of recovery, but they can be of critical importance, and can literally make or break your sobriety. Particularly in early recovery, romantic pursuits can and usually are extremely dangerous. The primary reason for this is because of this fact right here:
When we first pursue a romantic relationship, the other relationships in our lives get moved to the back-burner.
This is especially true when it comes to our relationship with a higher power. The reason for this is simple: a new romantic interest “fills us up” and “makes us whole” again, completely filling the spiritual void that otherwise would have been filled by our spiritual practices. This phenomenon cannot be denied and has been played out over and over again by other recovering addicts and alcoholics, almost all of which eventually relapsed due to their romantic endeavors.
Now does this mean that you cannot pursue a relationship in recovery? Of course not. But any sane addict will want to have a foundation of recovery before they venture out into this dangerous territory. Some people suggest waiting a full year in recovery before getting into any sort of a relationship. This is probably good advice, although the specific length of time really depends on how solid a foundation you have built and what kind of relationship you have built with a higher power.
This can be misleading sometimes because there are some very religious people who do not necessarily have a strong relationship with a higher power. There is a difference. If you are seeking a romantic relationship so that it will “fill the void” or “make you whole” then you probably have some more work to do on your spiritual foundation before you can safely get back into the dating scene.
Letting go of old “friends”
One of the biggest stumbling blocks, especially for young people, is letting go of their old friends that they use to drink or get high with. This can be especially tough because in many cases, these people were actual friends and not just “using buddies,” as the recovering community usually likes to dismiss them as.
I personally had some true friends in active addiction and it hurt badly to let them go when I got clean and sober but it was absolutely necessary. There is no way to successfully continue those relationships when the relationship involved drinking and using together on a regular basis and the other person is continuing to use.
There is no easy way around this in early recovery. And again, it is especially painful for younger people, because their friends will tend to be more important to them. But keep in mind that new relationships will form in recovery to replace the old ones (no one wants to hear this of course, but it’s true). Living the creative life in recovery will open you up to many new and healthy people.
Stick with the winners
This goes along with the idea of getting rid of your old drinking and using friends. You will undoubtedly be attracted to the “winners” in recovery–the people who are genuine and helpful and really seem to be working a solid program of recovery. Stick with these people! They are your lifeline and guide to a creative new life in recovery. If you are seeking a sponsor, then pick someone who you think is one of the “winners,” someone who has what you want.
Our peers have a powerful affect on us, there is no doubt about it. If you hang around with shady characters in recovery then you’re probably going to get led down a road that you weren’t planning on going down. Stick with the winners in recovery and use them as inspiration to create a powerful new life for yourself.
Photo by wili hybrid
Communicating feelings – a critical concept
I did not want to admit that this was important in early recovery but communicating feelings is extremely critical. Let me give you the quick crash course:
Feelings versus opinions - when you make a feeling statement to someone, make sure that you are not stating an opinion. Your feelings can be either sad, mad, glad, or scared. That’s it. There are no other feelings (only synonyms and variations on those 4). So when you are having a fight with your teenage daughter about her coming home late, you could say:
“I feel scared when you come home late like that. I also feel hurt that you don’t think to call and let me know you’re running late.”
Those are feeling statements. They cannot be refuted because they involve your personal feelings. No one can take those away from you. So you can’t argue about them. They are what they are.
But instead, if you said:
“It’s irresponsible and inconsiderate of you to come home late like that and not call me.”
That is stating an opinion, and it is therefore arguable. You might think you are communicating feelings but in the second example you are not.
The whole key to communicating in recovery is to accurately convey your feelings to others. This is usually very simple but hard to do. You don’t have to dress it up or talk around it or play games–just state your real feelings (sad, mad, glad, or scared).
Once you practice this a bit you’ll come to realize that you don’t even have to state why you have those feelings or try to explain them at all. Just state them, and the other person can do what they want with it. This leads to a much higher level of healthy communication, rather than just slinging accusations and opinions back and forth at each other.
Connecting with a sponsor
One final relationship I want to mention is that with a sponsor. I’m usually not a huge proponent of sponsorship but I can see where it is an important part of some people’s recovery, and I have certainly benefited from having a sponsor myself. Here is what I have learned about sponsorship:
* A sponsor is merely a guide. They are not a guru.
* A sponsor can hold you accountable, but they can not make you accountable. Understand this difference and realize what a sponsor can and cannot do for you.
* Seek a sponsor who lives the way you want to be living, not one that agrees with your ideas and philosophies.
Action items – what you can do:
1) Cultivate your relationships with yourself, your higher power, and with others in recovery (such as a sponsor). In that order.
2) Remember to communicate feelings, not opinions.
3) If you’re in early recovery, get honest with yourself when entering a new relationship. Are you trying to “complete yourself” by getting involved with someone? If so, back off and regroup spiritually first (hint: this will take a long time/lots of effort).
Anonymous Says:
Great article, very helpful
lisa b Says:
informative, i want to learn how to have healthy relationships
Patrick Says:
Good luck Lisa B. I am still learning myself…..
Alicia B Says:
Thank you for the article, even though I’ve been sober over a year, it really helps to remind myself what I am working for.
Allyson Says:
Great article. Very helpful and simple enough to understand without being overwhelmed. Thank you!
RC Says:
Thanks!
Very informative article. Been a bit “capsized” since my partner of 3 years+ (80 days clean) said she wanted/needed us to be “friends”.
I think you have helped me understand her perspective a little better and also question and explore myself more deeply.
I’m going to try to understand, be there for her and hope it works out.
Best wishes to all.
Good job Patrick.
Patrick Says:
Good luck with that RC, sounds like a reasonable approach to me. Give it some time and it will become what it is supposed to be!
Cecil Says:
I have a buddy who relapsed after 1-1/2 yrs clean. At the end of ’08 he verbally mistreated a woman who’s been there for him (they were on/off for many, many years) through every relapse & woman. He began seeing a woman in Nov ’08, relapsed in March and reached out to the woman he mistreated in June while he was in rehab. She wasn’t receptive (heart broken); he’s now with another woman. Very unhealthy behavior. How can I advise him?
Patrick Says:
@ Cecil – to be honest this is not my area of expertise, but I would say the old rule about going for about a year in early recovery without any significant romantic undertakings is a pretty good idea.
I have watched many, many alcoholics relapse who did otherwise…..
Natalie Says:
I googled advice on this topic because I’m very concerned about a present situation. A guy that I’ve been close friends with for the past 6 years. He has never recieved help for his addiction through any type of structured program. Due to an overdose, he finally decided to check into a rehab with my influence encouraging him to do so. We did date a few years ago when he was clean but I broke his heart by dating another guy. He told me back then and continues to say he loves me even though a lot of time has passed since we were in each others lives. I moved to a different state. I work in a teen recovery program. When I heard about his overdose, I had him fly here to see me because I wanted him away from the crowd he was in. I didn’t have a plan but I just wanted him out of that town. When he got here I told him about the Men’s facility close by that is a year long program. He wanted to go and so he did. He’s been there for a little over a month and a half. I’m his only outside support. His family isn’t there for him because they are on drugs. I’m the only friend he has that lives a clean life. I’m all that he has and he’s even a state away from anyone else other than me. Usually the rehab doesn’t allow female visitors unless family but because I work in the female teen branch of this organization, they allow me to visit him every Sunday for 3 hours. I’ve had about 4 visits with him at this point. I know relationships are not good for those in recovery. But at the same time I’m finding it very hard to just be friends with him. He always tries to hold my hand and be affectionate. He’s not all to blame because I find myself wanting to do the same thing. I’m just worried about the situation and I don’t want him to replase because of me. He says he’ll be mad if I don’t show up for visitation but maybe I should only go twice a month…maybe not at all? I’m very worried about the situation. I want him to suceed. I would be devesated and unable to forgive myself if I messed this chance up for him. :( Help.
Natalie Says:
Also, spiritually, he’s bubbling with life and very passionate about pursuing God. He spends a lot of time in prayer and meditating on positive things. I believe that what he is aquiring spiritually during this time is authentic. However, this still leaves room for relapse because I’ve seen him this way once before.
Natalie Says:
Cool. Props to you! Read the Authors Bio. You write extremly well by the way. That’s amazing that you’ve recovered so well. I agree with you on the long term treatment! Some of the most sucessful programs are those that are lengthy. Drug use is often a lifestyle. They say 28 days can make a habit or break one but addiction isn’t a habit, it’s a way of life. Cool. :) Thanks for the website.
Patrick Says:
Hi Natalie
I agree that a month and a half in is a bit early to get into a relationship. The problem is that the “newness” of the relationship will kill the drive for spiritual growth and personal development. Of course he will deny this, because it feels SO GOOD to be getting into a relationship with someone. But it is playing with fire.
When is it not playing with fire? That is a length of time that will vary from person to person. But here is the measuring stick: when he can be happy without anyone in his life. When he is “complete” while being single. That is when he is truly ready.
If he “needs” you right now….then it is playing with fire and will likely end badly.
How do I know this? I lived in long term treatment, and watched about 40 guys relapse over a two year period. Every single one was over a relationship.
Just my 2 cents of course. I believe he has to “get well” without being with someone. I could be wrong…..
ciara Says:
hi iam not recovering from any major addictions but maybe you could say iam recovering from life many of my symptons are the same,i found this articles extremly helpful to me i have just discovered what i have spent month s looking for on this site by chance well there you go,iam a young but iam preventing myself now from destroying my life by reading this thank you x
Gracie Says:
My issues stem from all three relationships. I’ve been clean for about 3 months (after 3 years of daily active addiction). Right before I started my three year binge, I met my current boyfriend. We dived into drugs together. I was 17 living away from my family so they yanked me out of school and I moved home. Within a month I found out he was doing more intense drugs and we broke up because of the mental distance.
A year later I had coffee with him and the sparks flew like crazy (even though we were both still using). We dated long distance for a year (with a lot of fighting because he continued to use heavier than my “minor daily dabblings” as I affectionately called them). He moved to my university and this summer he was acting needy. I was becoming more aware of my problems and my addictions and asked for a month long break. Within weeks of reconnecting I found out he was once again “in deep”. He went to rehab and then I went to rehab. We went about 2 months without seeing each other, missing each other like crazy, but also talking and admitting it was nice to finally put on “sober glasses” again and see the world and ourselves.
This process of the “sober glasses” is hard because you see a lot of things about yourself that hurt. I know I’m very angry, mostly at myself for all the chances I ignored or dropped, etc.
Last week we saw each other for the first time and drove back to our high school town to be with his family. I was incredibly excited!
It was awful. He wasn’t trying to be rude or cold, and its natural for him to feel weird about himself, but I was very hurt at how he was pushing me away. Five days, four kisses, perhaps 9 or 10 hugs, and 16 awkward hours of driving. I really felt like I was getting to know myself these past few weeks and was ready to share that, but he was in his own little world.
Now, I’m angry at him. But not like I was when he was using. This time he says “you’re not doing anything wrong”. I know that.
I love this man. As naive and crazy as this sounds, this is the person I want to walk with until this body no longer breathes. I want a family with his mind and heart and his family. I want to go to meetings with him when we in our fifties and be the old couple that has been sober “for, like, ever!”.
I’m worried that if we push and pretend now we’ll lose that. And I’m also worried that all those dreams are just gone to the wind.
Our communication is poor because we are so uncomfortable with ourselves, and I know I have a lot of anger.
I know that’s a lot, but any advice for folks who’ve entered recovery already in a relationship? Or a third eye view.
We’re both in college and working our program with 12 steps, reading, sponsors, therapists the whole 12 yards (as one might say).
Gracie Says:
By the way: we’re both morbidly aware of the co-dependency. (both set of parents are social workers. I know, ironic).
I know that’s where my hesitation comes from, which makes me fear that I just want him because I don’t know any different, and I don’t want to scare him away thinking I don’t worry about it.
Again, how to solve the communication barrier…
Leslie Says:
I have read so many blogs and so many articles and I hear about all these people that have recovered from alcoholism and it gives me hope, but at the same time makes me feel like why can’t he recover. My boyfriend is an alcoholic and I knew it when I met him, heck we met at a bar and he got stinken drunk, I had to practically pull him out of that bar. I have tried to be supportive, AA, promised to pay for rehab, stayed up countless nights to listen to his drunk babble, but I am losing faith fast. I have been to alanon and it makes me crazy listening to these women and how they put up with it and sometimes I want to yell, ” LEAVE HIM! HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE!” Then here I am still with him, I feel like I am having a pity party but I just don’t know what to do. I know about the disease and what you are supposed to do but I just don’t know how much I can take. Anyone out there have any words of encouragement for me? Tell me there is hope? Tell me to leave? I just need some direction from those that know where I am right now.
Leslie Says:
I am not an addict but I’ve been in a relationship with one for 4 years now. He’s in recovery, 30 days, and I understand that he needs to be selfish right now and work on himself. I’ve been there for him every step of the way… Here is my issue, someone please tell me if I am crazy… In the last week or so he has been distancing himself from me in a way that I can’t understand, we’re best friends, he’s the love of my life, I would do anything for him… He says he is re-evaluating everything in his life and that he doesn’t doubt that I love him but that I need to take a look at what that means. Every time I voice concerns ( calmly stating my feelings) he says that I am hurting his recovery and that he can’t help me with my feelings…. I feel extremely hurt because I don’t know what I am doing wrong. My life doesn’t stop and my feelings don’t change just because he is sober now, I feel as if I am being purged with the rest of his past. I guess I need to know if there is something I should be doing or not doing, If this is common and how to deal…
Patrick Says:
Well it sounds like he is going through some growth at this point, especially if he does manage to stay sober, but the part about denying you of your feelings and saying that you are hurting his recovery, that sounds a little suspicious.
You can choose your opinions, but you can NOT choose your own feelings. These are things like sad, mad, scared, happy. You don’t get to choose how you feel. If your boyfriend can’t get with that, then that is a pretty big problem.
He should respect your feelings. Not your opinions, but your feelings. Make sure you are separating the two.
You might have to defend an opinion. But you should never have to defend a feeling. Why would you have to? It was not chosen. Feelings just happen. We accept them and move on.
Jackie Says:
This article finally explained relationships to me thoroughly enough to see the flaws in my ways to approach recovery in the past. I need to rebuild my relationship with myself, get over my resentments, and find a sponsor. I truly do have a spiritual relationship now that I am turning my will to God’s will.