Addiction, recovery, and relationships – this is such a broad and important topic that it is tough to address all of these ideas in one post, but I’m going to try. I have seen so many people experience problems with relationships throughout my recovery that it is just ridiculous.
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Recovery is all about relationships, in fact. Think about it. What would recovery be like on a deserted island? You wouldn’t even need a recovery program or anything else to help you get through your day. The only relationship that would need cultivating would be the one you have with yourself, and there would be plenty of time for that because there wouldn’t be any other people around! This little thought experiment gives us a key insight into recovery: it’s all about relationships and finding peace and balance within them.
Those of us in 12 step programs have undoubtedly heard the saying: “resentment is the number one offender when it comes to relapse.” But what is a resentment? It is a problem that we have with a relationship.
So relationships in recovery can be a bit of a double-edged sword. Of course they are necessary and they can provide us with joy and fulfillment in many different ways, but at the same time, relationships can be somewhat dangerous, especially for the newly recovering drug addict or alcoholic.
Let’s dig in and examine relationships and see if we can find some universal truths and any practical conclusions here:
Your relationship with yourself
They say that in early recovery, you have to develop 3 relationships in order to be successful: a relationship with yourself, a relationship with a higher power, and a relationship with a sponsor. For the bewildered newcomer in recovery who is just coming off of drugs and alcohol, figuring out how to have a “relationship with yourself” can be a bit perplexing. I mean really….what the heck does that mean?
For me it meant a couple of things, much of which I did not figure out for the first several years of my sobriety. The first thing it meant was that I had to forgive myself. When I first got clean and sober, the shame and guilt I was carrying for all of the crap I had lived through in active addiction was dragging my down and keeping me stuck. I had to let go of all that emotional turmoil and allow myself to start living again. People in recovery would say “give yourself a break” and I never understood what they meant. What they meant was that you have to allow yourself to start over with a clean slate and forgive yourself for all the chaos you just went through if you ever want to hold your head up again. So forgiving yourself is critical in early recovery. It’s a big part of building a strong relationship with yourself. The biggest amends you make is to yourself.
Another part of your relationship with yourself really takes a long time to uncover–this is the process of truly getting to know yourself all over again. In active addiction, I had covered up those parts of myself for so long with the drugs and alcohol that I had no idea what my life was about anymore. Strip away all of the drugs and alcohol and you are left with a shell of a person–one that needs to learn how to live again and start putting themselves out there and trying new things.
The creative theory of recovery addresses this specifically because it pushes people to find both passion and purpose in their new life. Developing a relationship with yourself becomes natural when you are living with real purpose, helping others in recovery, and creating a powerful new life for yourself.
Your relationship with a higher power
This can be a touchy subject for some but it doesn’t have to be. Consider the different ranges of beliefs that various people will have upon entering recovery: some will believe in God, some will be hard line atheists, others might believe only in the force of the “universe” or in nature as their higher power. All of these belief stances allow for some cultivation of a spiritual relationship, be it through prayer and meditation, studying of religious texts, reconnecting with nature, or simply expressing gratitude to the universe for existence itself.
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In other words, regardless of your specific belief system, you can work on your relationship with a higher power in some fashion. Doing so is part of the foundation of the creative theory of recovery, as spirituality is the “glue” that holds the whole program together. Focus on the spiritual principles that come from your spiritual relationship, such as forgiveness and gratitude and compassion for others. These principles are the guiding forces in your recovery and a key reason to continue cultivating your relationship with a higher power.
Romantic relationships in early recovery
Romantic relationships are only one small part of recovery, but they can be of critical importance, and can literally make or break your sobriety. Particularly in early recovery, romantic pursuits can and usually are extremely dangerous. The primary reason for this is because of this fact right here:
When we first pursue a romantic relationship, the other relationships in our lives get moved to the back-burner.
This is especially true when it comes to our relationship with a higher power. The reason for this is simple: a new romantic interest “fills us up” and “makes us whole” again, completely filling the spiritual void that otherwise would have been filled by our spiritual practices. This phenomenon cannot be denied and has been played out over and over again by other recovering addicts and alcoholics, almost all of which eventually relapsed due to their romantic endeavors.
Now does this mean that you cannot pursue a relationship in recovery? Of course not. But any sane addict will want to have a foundation of recovery before they venture out into this dangerous territory. Some people suggest waiting a full year in recovery before getting into any sort of a relationship. This is probably good advice, although the specific length of time really depends on how solid a foundation you have built and what kind of relationship you have built with a higher power.
This can be misleading sometimes because there are some very religious people who do not necessarily have a strong relationship with a higher power. There is a difference. If you are seeking a romantic relationship so that it will “fill the void” or “make you whole” then you probably have some more work to do on your spiritual foundation before you can safely get back into the dating scene.
Letting go of old “friends”
One of the biggest stumbling blocks, especially for young people, is letting go of their old friends that they use to drink or get high with. This can be especially tough because in many cases, these people were actual friends and not just “using buddies,” as the recovering community usually likes to dismiss them as.
I personally had some true friends in active addiction and it hurt badly to let them go when I got clean and sober but it was absolutely necessary. There is no way to successfully continue those relationships when the relationship involved drinking and using together on a regular basis and the other person is continuing to use.
There is no easy way around this in early recovery. And again, it is especially painful for younger people, because their friends will tend to be more important to them. But keep in mind that new relationships will form in recovery to replace the old ones (no one wants to hear this of course, but it’s true). Living the creative life in recovery will open you up to many new and healthy people.
Stick with the winners
This goes along with the idea of getting rid of your old drinking and using friends. You will undoubtedly be attracted to the “winners” in recovery–the people who are genuine and helpful and really seem to be working a solid program of recovery. Stick with these people! They are your lifeline and guide to a creative new life in recovery. If you are seeking a sponsor, then pick someone who you think is one of the “winners,” someone who has what you want.
Our peers have a powerful affect on us, there is no doubt about it. If you hang around with shady characters in recovery then you’re probably going to get led down a road that you weren’t planning on going down. Stick with the winners in recovery and use them as inspiration to create a powerful new life for yourself.
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Communicating feelings – a critical concept
I did not want to admit that this was important in early recovery but communicating feelings is extremely critical. Let me give you the quick crash course:
Feelings versus opinions - when you make a feeling statement to someone, make sure that you are not stating an opinion. Your feelings can be either sad, mad, glad, or scared. That’s it. There are no other feelings (only synonyms and variations on those 4). So when you are having a fight with your teenage daughter about her coming home late, you could say:
“I feel scared when you come home late like that. I also feel hurt that you don’t think to call and let me know you’re running late.”
Those are feeling statements. They cannot be refuted because they involve your personal feelings. No one can take those away from you. So you can’t argue about them. They are what they are.
But instead, if you said:
“It’s irresponsible and inconsiderate of you to come home late like that and not call me.”
That is stating an opinion, and it is therefore arguable. You might think you are communicating feelings but in the second example you are not.
The whole key to communicating in recovery is to accurately convey your feelings to others. This is usually very simple but hard to do. You don’t have to dress it up or talk around it or play games–just state your real feelings (sad, mad, glad, or scared).
Once you practice this a bit you’ll come to realize that you don’t even have to state why you have those feelings or try to explain them at all. Just state them, and the other person can do what they want with it. This leads to a much higher level of healthy communication, rather than just slinging accusations and opinions back and forth at each other.
Connecting with a sponsor
One final relationship I want to mention is that with a sponsor. I’m usually not a huge proponent of sponsorship but I can see where it is an important part of some people’s recovery, and I have certainly benefited from having a sponsor myself. Here is what I have learned about sponsorship:
* A sponsor is merely a guide. They are not a guru.
* A sponsor can hold you accountable, but they can not make you accountable. Understand this difference and realize what a sponsor can and cannot do for you.
* Seek a sponsor who lives the way you want to be living, not one that agrees with your ideas and philosophies.
Action items – what you can do:
1) Cultivate your relationships with yourself, your higher power, and with others in recovery (such as a sponsor). In that order.
2) Remember to communicate feelings, not opinions.
3) If you’re in early recovery, get honest with yourself when entering a new relationship. Are you trying to “complete yourself” by getting involved with someone? If so, back off and regroup spiritually first (hint: this will take a long time/lots of effort).
Recommended Reading
- Overcoming Addiction
- Addiction Recovery is about Discovering New Layers of Information
- 5 Ways to Supercharge Your Recovery, Avoid Relapse, and Dominate Your Addiction Over the Holiday Season
- 10 Ways to Embrace Creative Recovery and Take Your Sobriety to the Next Level
- Holistic Addiction Treatment Center
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thanks I am still at a loss I hope it works for both of them.
I read the article I was given. I am confused does it mean their relationship is good thing or bad. I really wish them the best. But they are both calling me in the middle of their drama. I dont know what to do about it.
Will he wake up to see what hes doing?
Might I also suggest “Relationships and Recovery a Basic Text on Relationships for Addicts and Alcoholics”. It really opened my eyes about romantic relationships.
Thanks for this information.
Two weeks ago, I started dating a guy that have been cleaned for more than four months (Cocaine and Marijuana). I did not ask him, he just mentioned it in our first date.
We’ve been dating frequently in the last two weeks, and I feel we are getting closer. He mentioned the fact that he won’t be able to be in a relationship after a year, but at the same time, he wants us to date exclusively. I asked him to talk with his sponsor about the dating situation, and the sponsor advised him that “to give himself a break’, and keep dating me. I am just scared, I am not familiarized with this matter and have no idea how to handle it.
He says that I am a good influence for him, maybe because my lifestyle ( I meditate regularly and practice yoga as well) and I don’t use drugs at all. He attends meetings almost everyday and is in touch with his sponsor in regular basis as well, at the same time he says that he needs to find himself and handle life without being clean.
Any advise about how to handle this situation, I don’t want to he become codependent of me. Although there is not strong feeling between us or any kind of attachment, we enjoy being together.
Please I’d really appreciate your help.
Sorry, he says that he needs to handle life without being under drugs effects.
Thank you for this article my boyfriend a recovering alcoholic 7 years sober told me when we met he had been single for some time and was happy that way but ready for a relationship ,was praying to God to put someone good in his life . he also told me his sobriety came first. I knew this all sounded good for some reason now I understand. I,ve never been addicted to drugs and never much of a drinker.I,ve been trying to learn all I can because I want to be an asset to his soberiety rather than a liability. Im an easy person to get along with and he,s turned out to be the most wounderful guy I,ve ever been with. We,ve been living together 6 months and I must say theres alot of harmony between us. I love him dearly. So far all I know to do is be sopportive and understanding if he needs to go somewhere to counsel another alcoholic and I,ve told him whatever meetings etc he did before he met me mustve helped, to continue that never mind he,s with me that I agree that comes first.He prays at the side of the bed every night and I think thats wounderful.I hope to learn all I can to try to be an asset to his sobriety rather than a liability I feel thats what love does. hope im doing right things.
By the way he tells me hes proud of me and that I am good for his soberiety but I still want to learn. his spirituality is rubbing off on me too and he,s been a good infleuence in my life.I use his program to deal with my every day life.
what if you are in a relationship already with someone who decided to start recovering when you were with them, does that mean I should let him be and not have relation with him for a year?????
reading these blogs doesn’t really help me recover from withdraw lol… I think the only way to do it is through time. But what can I do in the mean while? =/
I met my boyfriend 7 months ago and told me about his past drugs problems right away. He is a very good person and this became more apparent the more time we spent. At 3 months he told me he had started using again and was goign to check into rehab. Which after a couple weeks he got in. He is 4 months sober now, seriously into his program with spirituality and a higher power being the most important part. He has a fantastic sponsor, goes to meetings at least 4 days a week and talks to his sponsor almost daily. I joined al-anon about 2 months ago. The first meeting I walked into was about helping him but by the time I walked out I knew I would be back and it would be about me. I am really into it. I have a sponsor that I adore that I talk to daily, I go to 1-4 meeting a week and my relationship with my boyfriend is wonderful. We have unbelievable communication, and very drama free. We work opposite hours, him night and me days. We talk everyday and I understand that he needs saturdays to go to his home meeting and work with other alcholics for most of the day. Generally we hang out on saturday nights and sundays. At first I had a hard time. When he got out of rehab I wanted his time again but since joining alanon I understand that our programs come first. I am now much better about not demading his extra time. We talk about our programs alot, share our experiences and have wonderful times when he get to be together. I am not perfect and neither is he, some issues have come up but we talk them out instead of attacking each other. No major greivances so far and weve been together for 7 months. The article scared me. I would never want to be the reason for him to relapse. I care about him a great deal and would like for there to be a future with him if that is what is meant to happen. We are both aware that it is not a good idea to have a relationhip so soon but we were together before he got sober. Does that make any difference in that rule? I believe what we have together is supportive and understanding but the article was a bit worrysome. Anyone have any thoughts for my situation?
well im scared because im starting to get attatched to a girl and im in the early stages of my recovery. ive been clean for 4 months and still think about using. i am confident i can think it through and not use when i have the temptations to use, however, im affraid that if i become more involved/attatched to this person it could lead me to relapse. i have alot going on in my life right now besides this girl. i recently got out of jail on bail, went to and completed a treatment facility, am about to move into a recovery home, and am going back to jail when i get sentenced. i find my biggest problem is loneliness and because of this i think im drawn to this girl more easily. shes been a good support to me thus far, i can express how i feel to her and in the past i never expressed feelings to anyone. today i still find it hard to express my feelings but i am working hard on becoming more comfortable with it. when it comes to expressing my feelings with her it seems easy. she knows my whole situation and ive been completely honest with her and yet she doesnt judge my past but encourages my recovery. shes never had an addiction problem but realizes my sobriety comes before anything. i want to be able to start a romantic relationship but im afraid too at the same time because i dont want to jepordize my sobriety. i am working on staying sober and gtting to the point where i can get my daughter back into my life and cant let anthing get in the way. i dont have a sponsor yet but do have many people in recovery that i goto for support and with concerns. ive been told to go for it but take it very slow but im still not sure if its a good move. can someone who has experience in a similar scenario please give me some advice? i’d prefer and email but a response on here will serve the same purpose. thank you
Mate. Four months clean, no sponsor and being told ‘go for it’ is a recipe for disaster. You gotta look after yourself forst before trying to get fixed by emotional attachments with others. Far too early for that! Remember, the most important relationship you are ever likely to have, and is life long, is with yourself. By fixing on someone else, you will be avoiding yourself. Co-dependent lifestyles are a set up to relapse. use your fellowship and get a sponsor asap!
Hi Patrick
I just came across your article – very helpful. I had been seeing someone for a few months who had just started his recovery for co-dependency. He is an old friend but it turned quickly into more when we re met. He was very open with me about his recovery and even told me that he might have to let me go in the short term until he was better but we kept going. Now 3 months in when I am there to support him he suddenly dissapears on me and won’t return my calls or texts etc. I was told by his friends wife who is now married to a recovered co dependent that they are told to just cut off from people who threaten their recovery. why could he not do the decent thing and end things normally. Is this really what they are advised and why would he do that to me when I am only loving and supporting him? Do I walk away from him or be there for him no matter what when he decides he is better if he does at all? Any advise would be hugely appreciated. Thanks
…. and why would I be seen by him to be threatening his recovery?
Samantha,
I am in a somewhat similar situation. My wonderful boyfriend is suddenly ignoring me and saying I threaten his recovery. I have done nothing but support him since I met him 4 months ago. I wish I understood why he views me as a threat. It’s heartbreaking.
Hi, what about two early recovering drug addicts falling in love, all this will the two are married..to different people. My recoverin drug addict husband of 18 years just told me that “he is in love a a married in early recovery from drugs…whom also is only 21 years old…my husband is 42.
Any comments will be greatly appreciated.
I have been cleaan for 14 months and I would like to find a good man to have a relatjonship with I am the secretary at equal time group at our AA house in cedartown Ga. I love being clean. its the greatest just trying to find relationship happiness
To all you recovering drug attics. My best advice to you is to find you an AA or NA program. Get involved and stick to it. That is the way that I got cleaned. I have 14 mths clean. Good luck to you all.
Susan
Hi. I started dating a recovering alcoholic/addict of 3 years…20 months ago. After 10 months, we moved in together. From day 1, we have had nothing but fun, laughter, talk about AA, etc. Between the two of us we have 5 children (none of them together) and when we are together on weekends, we truly have an amazing time. I fell head over heels in love with him and have worked hard to learn more about his addictions and recovery, etc. The past 6 months, I have gone through a lot of changes in my life, extrememly stressfull (loss of job, new job, going through legal issues, financial difficulties), but I thought we were keeping lines of communication open and everything has been wonderful. Last week, he told me that he was having a very hard time balancing a relationship and his sobriety. He has had thoughts of driking again, found himself in a liquor store and he recognizes he needs to get out of the relationship. He has left me to put my house up for sale, is leaving me in the midst of my troubles, and originally said he wants to continue to date me, but last night said he doesn’t know if he’s even healthly enough to do that. I am left completely broken hearted, shocked, and so confused. We attended the same gym, church every Sunday and truly an amazing kind of love. We went through Christmas normal and I cannot stop trying to understand where he is coming from. I love him so much, that I don’t know how I will cope when he moves out. The saying about Having loved and loss is better than not having loved at all…is questionable. He is even so great with my children and my dog. I really don’t think it’s possible to find someone that can compare to him. Yes, I didn’t always like that he had to go to many meetings, etc., but being with him was still worth it. My advice is to watch out. I think he became addicted to me (in a way), but when things got too stressful, he backed out. I am so disappointed in his “broken promises”. Watch yourself…I really have never been through anything as upsetting as this in my life.
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