An insightful reader commented recently, stating:
“Those of us in recovery have to be careful when we base our self esteem on accomplishments. Anytime we use something outside ourselves to validate our self-worth, we’re in dangerous territory. External factors come and go – jobs are lost, injuries occur, etc – but our recovery has to be constant. The only constant is the internal.”
This sounds like very good advice at first glance….but in thinking further about it, I’m not sure that it matches up well with my own experience in recovery. It is definitely worth exploring though, and I am glad that this particular reader brought it up.
A big part of the addiction help that I needed in early recovery was to start valuing my self higher. Like many addicts, I suffered from low self esteem. At the time, I was working with a therapist who believed strongly in affirmations as a means to generate healthy self esteem. After genuinely trying the techniques for some length of time, I found it to be lacking. Repeated, positive self talk was not working for me the way it seemed to work for some other people. At the time I was still in very early recovery and I was down on myself and my self esteem was not very high.
My own experience in this case is that I met a sponsor in the 12 step fellowship and he pushed me towards action in my life. I was geared up to dive into heavy step work and philosophical discussions with him, and instead he started pushing me to do things “in the real world,” such as to go back to college, to get a job, and to start chairing an NA meeting every week. The things that I thought were so important to recovery, he seemed to push aside.
And so I just went with the flow, and gave up on the idea of affirmations, and gave up on the idea of positive self talk, and really just started putting one foot in front of the other in terms of taking real action in my life. I was setting goals and working towards them based on suggestions. I was not really self motivated but I was willing to do the work. I was being nudged. Reluctantly, I was taking real action.
At first I would say that I did not have instant self esteem based on these actions, or even on the resulting accomplishments. I was still a bit down on myself at this point. It took time and a continuous effort to rebuild my self esteem. I can distinctly remember still being quite frazzled at six months of sobriety. But my point here is this:
1) My self esteem that I have today was built on continuous action, on personal growth. It was built on merit. I did things, and I feel better about myself.
2) Positive self talk was not working for me. I felt like it was a sham because I was trying to convince myself of something that I did not really believe in.
Positive action succeeded where positive self talk had failed me. Of course, not all of my actions led to success, and I still had some failures and let downs in my life. But I was taking action in so many areas that I was still able to build self esteem this way. I felt better about myself as a person because I was making real progress in my life. I did not have to manufacture a false sense of worth for myself. I was building value by accomplishing real goals and taking action to meet those goals.
For example, back when I was in this phase of my recovery, I got a job, went back to college, started exercising, and tried to quit smoking. Guess what? I failed at quitting smoking. I failed–many, many times over a period of several years.
Now if that was the only thing I was basing my self esteem on, then my failure at quitting smoking would have indeed been devastating. But in fact I was basing my self esteem on my entire life, including all of the other actions I was taking at the time.
This is why the holistic approach in long term recovery makes so much sense. If you are pushing yourself to grow in several areas of your life, then you are going to have some success stories. You will win some and lose some. Growth will occur. Success will build on previous successes.
Eventually, I did quit smoking. All part of the journey. And I have other goals that I have not yet met, that I am currently working on. But I have learned to celebrate my successes and keep pushing myself to reach these goals. I know that I am not going to conquer every battle I fight in this life. That’s OK.
So perhaps this part of recovery can be unique for different people. The breakthrough for me in early recovery was to start taking positive action and build my self esteem based on accomplishment and merit. I tried to do it “internally” and felt like I was betraying myself. It was not authentic. But when I met certain goals, or pushed myself to grow in some way, I genuinely felt better about myself.
I would love to hear your opinion on this. Do you think it is dangerous to base our self esteem on external factors, such as setting and reaching goals, achieving things, etc? Or do you think that self esteem should be generated internally somehow? Please answer in the comments below so that others can benefit from your experience. (you may have to visit the website in order to comment.)
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post Patrick. For me the process was a little of both. First off, I hope I’m not contradicting myself, that reader quote sounded like something I might say, and I agree with the internal being constant… eventually. But I have never been a proponent of intellectualizing recovery, at least early on. Action is key.
In early recovery (for me, first year), I had NO idea how to receive or access internal (ever lasting) resources of self-worth. I didn’t have any. My sponsor too suggested I did simple things, I would stay after meetings and vacuum the AA hall. Show up for the job I had at the time, even though I didn’t feel like it. We did spend a lot of time sitting around reading and discussing, but it was the action I took that slowly built up self-esteem.
Today, my self-worth does come from internal self acceptance and holistic and spiritual growth. But I can still use simple things (actions) to build self-esteem; like working out. I have NEVER had a spiritual experience or growth from simply meditating or intellectualizing anything. Holistic and spiritual growth has always been in response to some action I take, action which puts me in direct interaction with the universe around me. The effects may be realized during times of meditation, which is only possible because my mind is quite enough to listen. A stillness that, again, is the result of previous action or right-living.
It’s a never ending process. But early on, I needed some relief from myself. I got relief from doing small simple things for someone else or something as simple as cleaning the dirty dished in my sink, making my bed; things I never cared about before. The biggest one being, taking care of myself.
@ Jared – right on man. I think you bridged the gap a bit there for us….in the early days of my recovery, if someone suggested that I meditate, I was liable to bite their head off. My mind was racing and I was struggling. Becoming a “spiritual guru” overnight was not to be, at least for me.
I had to, as you put it, “vacuum some AA halls.” It was not about moving mountains with my effort. I was simply showing up, putting one foot in front of the other, and so on.
I agree that some of these actions were necessary to get us to where we are today. My mind no longer races and I can be at peace with myself today. But that did not happen at 30 days sober. It took time. A building process.
Maybe it really is all about the “internal.” But I know one thing is for sure: it is action that will get you there. You gotta put in the effort. You have to DO stuff in order to recover. Thinking is not enough. I would even argue that meditation and prayer, all by themselves, are not enough. It takes more. It takes action.
Thanks so much for your input on this.
mostly i think self esteem starts with doing, and then taking it in, the success or ability to accomplish becoming part of ourselves. so it’s circular, too.
though one thing i’ve wondered alot, is if non addicts do a better job at internalizing their success, keeping it and “believing” it.
for example: math assignment in college.
my first reaction would be i’ll never figure this out. then, i’d start to work. and keep working. and keep working. and eventually i’d figure it out. and do alright, or even better. and feel good about that.
but the next assignment, i’d go through the SAME THING. it’s like i never could truly internalize the fact that i could figure it out with hard work and persistence.
though this was before i started drinking problematically, i wonder if that pattern of not being able to internalize accomplishments is part of my alcoh0lic makeup.
and years later, a single mom of two, i was able to raise my kids and support our family pretty well, all by myself. i still feel good about that – but for sure i had to act my way into it – just keep working and working hard, keep doing the next thing that needed doing. definitely had to lead with action; thinking about it would have paralyzed me.
that said, for me it’s like the self esteem from that ability to support a family on my own doesn’t have sticking power. they are both grown and gone now (my kids) , i’m remarried it’s just me and my husband. i worry if i could support myself (just myself!!) God forbid anything were to happen to him! i still make the same salary! it’s completely illogical i should worry about self support since i’ve already proven it out. yet i do. in some basic way i have not learned.
yet, something as simple as taking a hike, or a workout, will make me feel really good. taking action….
i do think self esteem has to have a basis in action, though tagging it to a goal can be tricky because goals can be badly set. yet in order to really build the self esteem, somehow the productive results of action have to be internalized, and “stick” – so it creates a capable and competent sense of self, as you speak of creating life and recovery.
i wonder though, if part of my own addictive/thinking problem is an inability to internalize accomplishments, where they really do build me up inside.
it seems for self esteem to build we need to be able to hang onto those feelings that result from the actions…
i’m rambling. sorry. lots to think about here – thanks.
“Those of us in recovery have to be careful when we base our self esteem on accomplishments. Anytime we use something outside ourselves to validate our self-worth, we’re in dangerous territory. External factors come and go – jobs are lost, injuries occur, etc – but our recovery has to be constant. The only constant is the internal.”
after re reading this, and my ramble, perhaps if we use actions to build our self esteem with faith in our character and abilities (honest, persistent, works hard) and not necessarily what we got outside ourselves (job, car, lost weight, nice house etc…) since those are the things that can come and go where our character and abilities we get to keep as long as we nurture them.
I think true self esteem, for me, started with a real and total acceptance of the full implication of step one.
I was “working steps” for years and always thought that the first step was the “easy” one. I worked the steps to the best of my ability, i really did.
But I would always drink again.
I never really believed in the depths of my being that I was absolutely powerless over alcohol. In spite of all the evidence to the contrary, I still, on some level, thought I should be able to control my drinking and not do all those horrible things I did when I was drunk.
I hated myself for not “managing” things better…. really hated myself.
All those times trying to stay sober doing all the stuff my sponsor told me to, all that service….. all those ammends… none of it really made me feel any better about myself.
But then, after all of those years of doing the same things over and over, it happenened….
Somehow, someway… I finally understood with ALL OF ME, (not just mentally) that I really did have a disease that owned every fiber of my being… way more powerful than I was or ever could be. I surrendered.
Now that surrender didn’t absolve me from the resposibilitiy for the harms I had done…. But It did allow me to forgive myself for being sick.
That really was the catalyst for my recovery. All the stuff that I had been doing previously, all the other steps….. they suddenly made sense.
Now, from a position of defeat I could mold my life into the one I always wanted.
I took action, lots of it.
I succeeded in lots of things and failed in others, but I mostly succeeded.
And to be honest, the failures, dealing with failure and not falling to pieces…. that did as much or more than anything else to bolster my self esteem.
It took a while… but I had finally managed to generate a good amount of self-worth.
For the first time in my life I really felt good about myself.
And with a positive self image established…. my identification shifted from one of ACTING like the person I wanted to be….. to actually BEING the person I wanted to be.
The person I always knew I was….. somehow.
“To thine own self be true”…… finally made sense to me.
So….. I think the two work in tandem,
The internal and the external.
You do things initially to ESTABLISH a positive self worth…
Then later, you do things BECAUSE you have a positive self worth.
Thanx for the excellent discussion Patrick.
:o)
Brett
Self esteem for me, is an inside feeling caused by action. Affirmations are a scorecard. In the beginning I had a number of “I am…” statements provided to me by people who loved and cared for me. I did not believe them.
As I took “holistic” action, including the steps, I slowly came to appreciate the imperfect beauty that was me and saw in me what others had.
I had a ton of support from friens and outside professionals to help me. When I had put together many days away from my primary addictions and gone past Step 5, I began to like the “real” me!
Keep up the good work Patrick!
luv Keith
@ Robin – I completely relate to your inability to internalize your accomplishments. And, I did this with math/academic studies as well. It is like I had no confidence in my ability to learn new things. I think this has become better over time though, and I have a bit more self esteem and confidence in myself these days. All through action.
@ Brett – I think you said it better than I did. You took action and even your failures helped to build your new life. You kept taking action. Awesome.
@ Keith – I agree completely. Sounds like you found self esteem through taking action in the steps. I know many others who have done the same. Glad to hear you are doing well, and great to “see” you again!
My biggest problem in early recovery was my external desire to start a relationship. That is one of the worse in my experience with addicts. I would validate myself through the women I was with or how many I could sleep with. I think thats why taking the first year to 100% to focus on your recovery is important because that is the time you work through all of your reservations through the first 3 steps and your sponsor. Once I did that I ws able to get through ANYTHING clean including rejection, breakups, lost jobs, etc. To me all the other external stuff you mentioned like school,health,job is really internal. that is all part of taking personal responsibility in your life so you can be happier with who you are.