A Question About the 12 Step Program
A reader named Dave writes in and asks:
“Did you do the steps and whats your view on them?
Do I have to do them to be sober??
He also mentions that he recently relapsed, and his sponsor was sort of pushing him to work through the steps rather quickly, and Dave was feeling a bit rushed with the whole thing.
Those are some good questions so I’m going to answer them right here. Let’s take a look.
First question: Did I do the steps, and what is my view on them?
Yes, I worked through the 12 steps with a sponsor in early recovery. I did a written fourth step and shared it directly with my sponsor, and I continued on with more step work, right up until my sponsor had me take over one of his weekly 12 step meetings that he would do at a local treatment center (he had me start running the meeting for him).
Later on in my recovery I got a new sponsor, and worked through the steps with him too, this time with a much heavier emphasis on writing. I wrote quite a bit in working the steps this time, and used the writing as a tool to process things in my recovery.
My view on the 12 steps is that they are a tool. They will work for some people much better than for others. I think they were written and designed to help a fairly specific type of alcoholic or addict. I do not think that they are universal, in that I do not think they are the ultimate answer for every single addict and alcoholic out there. In my particular case, the 12 steps did not seem to address a complete program of recovery. I needed more, or rather, I needed something different, in order to recover.
Second question: Do I have to do them to be sober?
In a way, yes. You do.
A more accurate answer is to say that “no, you don’t necessarily have to work the 12 steps in order to recover. But you have to do something.”
Action is the key. Remember that the 12 steps are less than a hundred years old, and people have been recovering from alcoholism for thousands of years. How can people recover without using a 12 step program? They do it by creating a purposeful and meaningful life for themselves without drinking or using drugs.
There are a million ways to go about doing this. I used a 12 step program for the first year, primarily for the support and networking that it offered me. After that, my path in recovery deviated quite a bit from traditional recovery. Here are some of the principles I discovered that worked for me:
1) Caring for self – increasing my own self esteem has been a huge part of my recovery. I did this through achieving goals, such as completing a degree and also becoming an avid runner. This idea of taking better care of myself also led me to quit smoking cigarettes, which has had a huge impact on my life as well.
2) Holistic growth – I have been pushing myself to grow in recovery in many different ways since I got clean and sober. Spiritual growth has been only one small part of this effort. I have tried to grow in other ways too, such as physically (through exercise), mentally (through education), emotionally (by making an effort to better communicate with people), and so on. I saw many in traditional recovery who seemed to harp on the spiritual component at the expense of other kinds of growth, only to end up relapsing.
3) Purpose / meaning – If you were going to take one of the 12 steps and use it in your non-traditional recovery, the step to take would be step 12. Reaching out and helping others in recovery is a powerful tool. Use it. Find a way to reach out and help others on a consistent basis and your recovery will become rock solid because of it. Not only will it strengthen your recovery to help others, but it will also give purpose and meaning to your life.
Third question (implied): Am I going too fast or rushing through the steps?
My second sponsor focused on writing in the steps and suggested that you take your time and be extremely thorough when working through this written element. For him, the 12 steps might take a whole year.
I know another guy in recovery who says that in early AA, they used to take a newcomer through the steps in one afternoon. His theory is that you should not waste any time, and therefore you should get right to it in order to give the newcomer the benefits of the step work. They can get instant relief by rushing through the steps, he says.
So those are two opposite strategies, and I know of examples from each camp that have stayed clean and sober. I also know of a lot more examples from each camp that have relapsed.
Ultimately, I tend to harp on customization for a reason: it is necessary. Certain recovery techniques just don’t work for everyone. There are many paths to recovery. Yours may or may not include the 12 steps.
Given that, what is your ultimate truth regarding your own recovery? It is this: you are responsible for finding your own path to success. Do not expect others to tell you how to recover. They can only tell you what has worked for them. Sometimes we need to do our own thing.
Good luck.
Keith Bray Says:
New To Life (Addiction) Recovery?
Life is hard, that is a fact each of us faces on a daily basis.
That being said it does not have to be lived in constant fear, being sick and tired of being sick and tired, feeling “less than” or not capable, escaping realities and constantly depressed or worried.
While life is hard for all of us, we all have a choice as to how we live it.
Many years ago I came to a crossroads. While to the outside world I may have appeared to be materially successful, success was not something I felt on the inside. Life was scary, I was depressed, I was far from honest with others or self, my marriage was on the rocks and my relationship with my children was marginal at best. My relationship with me was horrible (couldn’t spell self-esteem), and my life was devoid of any spiritual component.
As an escape from this unhappy place, I had turned to alcohol, mood altering substances and behaviors and sought out the company on a regular basis of people who I thought I was superior to. I sought the limelight to validate who I thought the world meant me to be. Hope and serenity were memories of a distant past life.
What happened?
To this day I don’t entirely understand, but I don’t have to. Through a marriage councilor I was put in touch with an addictions expert who worked with me and then suggested group therapy. I voluntarily went to a “holistic” rehab facility. I attended 12 step meetings and met some wonderful people. The use of “outside help” and working the 12 steps has been a constant in my recovery. Throughout this wonderful journey, life has remained hard, it’s a complex world and troubled times we live in, BUT I have chosen a different, healthier path for myself and not tried to do it alone. Many days have gone by in recovery and a recovered state each day.
Today I have been given the gift of not using drugs, alcohol or other dangerous behavior to escape reality. My marriage has a whole new dimension to it (intimacy-a word I could pronounce but could not live with) and I do enjoy hope and serenity on a daily basis. I’m a good father to my now adult children, a good “Grampy” to 3 so far, a friend to my friends, and importantly, a friend to me. I am who I am and satisfied to just be me.
I have had the good fortune of seeing lives turn around- careers, relationships, depression lift, self-esteem build, people become contributors to life again- through the “gifts” I was blessed with and the hard work I have done and choices I’ve made; always mindful of the small quiet voice that I now recognize as the higher power who always was there, but who I chose to ignore.
Thinking of doing what you have to do to get a life that makes you happy? Started on a journey but not getting results? There are choices you are going to have to make; difficult choices. There is real work and self-discovery you are going to have to do. You are going to have to get honest with yourself and eventually with others. You are going to have to take responsibility for your life and your actions and not run around looking for others to “save” you. Your actions will be what turn your life around.
Many have recovered life. There is no one way, but there are elements that are similar in all ways. To my hard core 12 step friends who believe meetings are the only way, look at the success rate. I2 step programs are as successful as anything generally available, but many need much more. What is important is that you make a commitment to yourself about what it is you really want, get help, follow a plan and stay out of your own way! There are many who can give you more than sympathy, they can give you the benefit of their long term experience and what they did to get life recovery.
If you’re truly ready to get the life you want and deserve and are prepared for honest work, please feel free to contact me through http://www.hopeserenity.ca. I’d be pleased to see if my experience can get you on a track that is right for you, and there is no cost or obligation. I would love to see those who want it get it in a way that works for them!
Fawn Says:
For the last 8 1/2 years i have combined AA with other concepts of personal and creative living. For me, I can say that while the steps are a very powerful tool, they, like everything else that comes into the path of an addictive person, can be used to limit our growth as well as encourage our growth.
George Says:
I really enjoyed your piece.
My sponsor opened my eyes to viewing the 12 steps not only as something to work through in a formal way, but also as a way of daily life. I try to “work the steps” in the way I react (or don’t react) to situations and to others every day. I have found that I can run almost any problem I have through the prism of at least one of the steps to help me work through it (I am finding that the 10th step seems to come up a lot!). That works for me anyway.
Thanks for your insights. I find them very helpful.
Patrick Says:
Thanks for all your comments. I tried to present a balanced view of the steps…they can be very helpful to some, but at the same time, they might limit others in some ways, and of course they seem to completely fail for certain people. Just want to stay open to other possibilities for recovery….
Angela Says:
I have been reading your blog for almost a year now. Thank you for all your insight and help I find it extremely encouraging to often read that the traditional 12 step approach is not the ONE AND ONLY path to recovery. I am a part of AA and NA, I attend meeings regularly, have worked the steps to the best of my ability, have had several sponsors (but was never one to be in daily contact with any of them. I’m clean and sober, my life is much, much better but sometimes I feel like I’m not working a program enough because I am not a BB thumper or regular reader thereof! I often see all the things I don’t do that others seem to be doing which makes me feel like I’m “doing it wrong”. Good nutrition played a huge part of my very early recovery as did meetings every day. I am three years down the road, still have a strong tendency to do things my way – don’t like conforming! Anyway, your take on things encourages me and comforts me…I am recovering. As I said before, TODAY, I am clean and sober and my life is very much better than it used to be! Thank you for being part of my recovery. God bless, Angela