I witnessed a conversation the other day at a treatment center in which a client was basically stating why AA would not work for her. She was dead set against going to an AA meeting at the suggestion of her therapist, and her response was that “I have been to AA in the past and it doesn’t work for me. It makes me want to drink.”
Now I can understand exactly where this newcomer was at with her anger, frustration, and fear regarding AA because I have been there myself. She is effectively saying that she is not willing to give the 12 step program a chance and she is making excuses, but the thing that is holding her back from this is FEAR, plain and simple. I can see that from a mile away because I had the exact same level of fear. I was terrified of meetings.
Now the thing that is important here is not so much that she needs to get to AA meetings, but that she gets out of this fear-driven mode she is in that is holding her back from exploring solutions. Truly, the meetings are not the issue. I can look back and see that now in my own recovery, and I can look at her situation and see that the same thing is true. The issue is that she is shutting down, plain and simple. It is like a child who puts their hands over their ears and starts yelling “la-la-la-la-la” when they don’t want to hear something. This person is shutting themselves off to any possible solution simply out of fear.
It is not about AA meetings. There are other recovery strategies out there but if you try to sober up then in a lot of cases you will be exposed to the 12 step program. There are other ways to get sober but the fear that holds you back is going to block you from those solutions as well at some point. What I mean is that you are going to have to face your fear in recovery, if that is social anxiety or something else, it doesn’t matter. If you are going to make it and stay sober over the long haul then you’ve got to face these fears anyway. So you might as well get started with facing them right from the start.
The solution
I just mentioned the solution and that is to face your fears. Much as I hate to admit it, that is the quickest and most direct route to healing in recovery. This becomes especially true if your fears are holding you back from exploring a solution for recovery.
I was at a point once when I refused to face this fear. I had an opportunity to do so and I was temporarily sober. But I shut down and made the snap decision that I was not ready yet. Not ready to quit drinking. Not ready to face life sober. Not ready to give this recovery solution a chance.
It’s not about going to meetings or not. It’s about becoming open to a solution that might work for you. You will notice if you try to get sober that everyone is offering the same solution: 12 step meetings. That is fine and if you are offered help of any kind you need to become open to it and go with the flow. In early recovery, you are not in a position to dictate your own recovery strategy. You have already proven that you cannot figure out how to stop drinking on your own. Accept whatever help they offer you, even if you do not particularly like whatever program or methods they are pushing on you.
This is the level of acceptance that is necessary to become teachable in recovery. You have to break down to this point anyway in order to surrender and have a chance at getting sober. You have to get to the point where you are so beaten up by the disease that you are willing to face your fears instead of going back to drinking.
Let me say that again: in order to recover, you have to be so sick and tired of drinking that you become willing to face your fear of being sober. Getting to this point is the whole key.
Recommended Reading
- Overcoming Addiction
- Addiction Recovery is about Discovering New Layers of Information
- 5 Ways to Supercharge Your Recovery, Avoid Relapse, and Dominate Your Addiction Over the Holiday Season
- Addiction Medications Interview
- Holistic Addiction Treatment Center
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I experienced the same thing as the woman in this article. Everyone sat around talking about how much they wanted a drink, how they almost slipped up, etc. etc. These were people that had been sober for 30 years! The cravings are still that bad? I found myself making up stories about wanting to drink, when I didn’t, just to keep the lifers from feeling bad. The odd thing is, I wanted to drink after the meetings just from talking and hearing about it so much. No cravings before, but always after. I quit going to AA and I have now been sober, happy, healthy, successful and productive for 7 years. I’m glad that AA works for some people, but it didn’t work to me. And yes, I was completely open to it. I just took a different route. This woman’s situation is not uncommon, and I don’t think it’s fair to invalidate her feelings by saying she’s scared to get better. If she didn’t want to get bettter, why the heck would she have turned to AA to begin with?
i,m just after getting out of treatment teraphy spent 6 months looking and learning about myself and was feeling very emotional and raw full of fear. I’ve come to realise that alot of the garbage you hear at AA is old timers bringing there anger into the rooms they were argry when dringing around there familys so they decide to take it out and into AA on newcomers like READ THE BIG BOOK!!! THE BIG BOOK SAY’S THIS AND THAT!!!. BILL AND BOB!!! They trick is that on a daily bases you share your hurts from the past and the hurts you encounter daily this prevents you from storing them up which hurts you. You will feel emotional and you’ll get anxious when this happens your most likly to drink or use so the next time your in an AA meeting dont mind anyone else its about speaking out your feelings and emotions your hurts you’ll feel better for a time untill you store up more then you go and keep sharing these feelings and emotions that prevent you from living a peacefull life after a while you”ll decover that the answers are deep within you core beleifs once you realize this your really dealing with your emotional hurtfull ties.Your there for yourself the most important person. Never mind the married to AA Bullshit YOU can share this with people how have some understanding of addiction those people are hard to find but there out there. If you can find these people you wont need AA you can get together form a circle put a candle into the middle and start sharing you past hurts emotion feeling that prevent you from living a peacfull life. break down all them wall of fear.’s
While looking for somebody talking about fear of people and then having to go to an AA meeting FULL OF PEOPLE I came accross this. It doesn’t really address what I am thinking but i’ll put my thought here incase somebody else finds it. I have been sober for 3 years about and I still hate going to AA meeting and seeing and talking with people. My inner dialouge is “fuck you get away from me, let me concoct a diversion and gracefully leave the situation, is it time to leave now, I am a piece of shit any way,” Those things are really what my mind says but my mouth says “one day at a time, you are the best people ever, everything’s great ect” Basically I am deathly afraid of people and getting hurt and made fun of, but I also was seriously commiting suicide before AA and also was considering it until about 2 years into sobriety. Let me reiterate, I wanted to kill myself for 2 years while doing AA. I am 24 years old. Things have gotten better, much better, seriously. I wake up go to work have self confidence, am happy, feel productive and useful- the Depression is about 2 tenths of what it was. Anyway this people hurdle is bullshit. I really want to be alone but have to attend and be connected to people to recover. I have had some people who I could say this honestly but not enough. Anyways toe main point i’m saying here is I want sobriety and life and happiness, not suicide .. So I try to fix this social phobia the best I can and stil go to meetings everyday even though the stress of being with people almost kills me because I am getting better and more sober emotionally and mentally. Keep Coming! Seriously even if you want to kill everybody in the room or yourself keep coming! my email is mk3242@gmail. Send me a message if you need help with this issue i’ll try. Remember alcoholism is the “lonely disease” and I trust that it can get better….