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I know how frustrating it can be to have a struggling drug addict or alcoholic in your life. It is painful to watch them spiral further and further out of control. So here are 3 ways that you can help them:
1) Setting boundaries
2) Interventions
3) Practicing detachment
Setting boundaries
It would be nice if we could just tell an addict to stop using drugs and get them to listen. Of course this never works in a direct way, so what you have to do is let the person know exactly what is acceptable behavior to you. For example, you might tell your spouse that if they go to jail again for drunk driving that you are not going to bail them out again. This is an example of setting a boundary. It is not a threat; instead you are simply stating what is unacceptable behavior in the relationship. Setting these types of boundaries might not change the addict’s behavior directly, but it can start to make a dent in their denial and get them thinking.
The key of course is to set healthy boundaries. Your strategy in setting effective boundaries should be to distance yourself from the chaos that an addict creates. Let them know that you are not going to be a part of that chaos. You will do everything you can to distance yourself from it while still attempting to care for them in some way.
Interventions
There are 2 levels of interventions. First, you could do an informal intervention, where you simply confront the addict and attempt to talk to them about their problem and encourage them to get help. Then there is the formal intervention, where you arrange for professional services and likely get more friends and family members involved.
It makes sense to try several informal interventions before trying a formal intervention. One thing you might want to get clear on is the goal that you have in mind. It doesn’t do much good to simply talk with a struggling addict in general terms about getting help, because no specific actions will form and they can always placate your general suggestions with some generic promises of their own. This doesn’t help anyone.
So what you need to do–in any intervention–is get specific. The best way to do this is to figure out a specific treatment goal, such as attending a certain treatment and checking in to the detox unit. Sometimes it is even possible to call ahead and arrange such things beforehand in the hopes that an addict will agree to go get help.
This is the key point of organizing any level of intervention–get specific about what you want the person to do and then try to make things as easy as possible for the person to follow through with that action. This is really the best you can hope for in terms of motivating someone. Any type of threat is only likely to push them further into their addiction.
Practicing detachment
Another thing that you can do to help a struggling addict is to detach from them emotionally. This is difficult and might seem counter intuitive to some people, but in the long run it is the best behavior that you can display in order to move the addict closer to change.
The idea is to still care for and about the person without rescuing them from their own natural consequences. In other words, no more bailing them out of jail or trying to cover for them when they screw up really bad. Sometimes we have to back off and let them skin their knee a few times in order to learn a lesson. You can never deny an addict of their pain….they will always find a way to self destruct if that is their mission. Detachment is about letting them do this without becoming emotionally involved in their pain. Because when you become emotionally involved, you have a tendency to step in and rescue them from their pain and thus deny them of a learning experience. You deny them of the chance to suffer great pain that might force them to finally change.
So practice detachment and let them fall down and suffer their own consequences. If you continue to deny them these natural consequences then there is no motivation for them to change their life and seek help.
Sometimes pain is the only motivator that works. And sometimes even that fails.
Recommended Reading
- Overcoming Addiction
- Addiction Recovery is about Discovering New Layers of Information
- 5 Ways to Supercharge Your Recovery, Avoid Relapse, and Dominate Your Addiction Over the Holiday Season
- 10 Ways to Embrace Creative Recovery and Take Your Sobriety to the Next Level
- Holistic Addiction Treatment Center
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I am married to a addict who has been in three rehab facilities this year. He just got out of rehab less than two weeks ago and has already failed a home drug screen test. I am at witts end and need some seroius advise. Please direct
what’s his addiction heroin??? if is heroin you could try to talk to him into going to rehab for 6 months and when he gets out to get on the methadone program…
Hi,
I was with an alcoholic/drug addict (crack when i met him, stopped the crack, uses pot) for 7 years. his behavior was out of control so I finally gave him boundries and stuck to it. He continued to do drugs and drink so he moved out (but we kept in touch daily). I attended to my life (no other men or anything, just focused on my life and work and not his addictions). Within 30 days he had a DUI, then on the eve of his going into rehab 4 months later he was arrested for a second DUI.
I did not help him with either, he managed to rope a friend into it, the friend subsequently got me roped into helping him get out of jail and into his treatment center (he would have lost his space without my help driving).
When he was in the center for 30 days I told him he was not going to help him any more (I knew he would have some horrendous court cases to deal with over the next year and I didn’t want to do it again. Instead his family had to come from out of town and part of his bond was that he had to be tied to his surety, could not leave the home without them etc (very tough bail conditions, it was not me that time!).
I was in a very confused state and it took all my energy to not respond to him (If I spoke to him or answered his calls I’d have been hooked on him again). For my sanity I didn’t respond to his calls. I actually told him I was not going to help him any more as I was exhausted from my 7 yr run.
To make this long story short, he sadly called me too many times over a year to a point where i had to call the police. He did not threaten me, he was just trying so desperately to get me to help him (I’m a real softy and addicts find me very easy to manipulate).
Eventually he was arrested for harassing calls (not my plan, I called to ask the police to ask him to stop again, instead of asking him to stop calling, he was arrested.
They gave him 2 yrs of no contact and mandated treatments.
My question: the three yrs is nearly up and I have not heard from him (he’s not breaking probation order – a good thing).
Is there any way he has changed and should I call him to see how he’s doing? I still love him (the non addict part of him).
If so, how do I make the contact?
Misch
Hi Mischa
I don’t know the answer for you here….but my guess is that it might be healthier for both of you if you give it a lot more time. Maybe you, or he, will find someone else during that time. If that happens, then it happens. Perhaps you are both meant to move on from what you once had.
I don’t know if that is the answer for you personally, but your past makes me think that you should keep some healthy distance and put more time and thought into this. If you are normally manipulated by addicts, why not try avoiding addicts for a few years and see if your life improves? Just a thought….I don’t claim to have all the answers here!
Good luck, at any rate….
i trying tonget information for my english class and i would like to learn more about drugs and drugs reavilitation Can somebody help me
I Said Im try to get …….
ya it may be annoying to have drug addicts in your life.. its harder to be the one addicted to drugs…believe me..~! not saying it’s easy to watch becuz pretty much all drug addicts hav been there as well.. but thus is life and hopefully life gets better for those struggling~!
my girlfriends son, of 21yrs, regularly takes cocaine and cannabis, he sometimes uses methadrome, you know, that horse tranquilizer. Its slowly killing him and as a result, i can see that its slowly killing his mother. As well as the drugs, he lives in a squat, with what sounds like tens or hundreds of people. His mother wasn’t to blame because she had a really bad break down and he was left with his unfatherly father – no discipline whatsoever, so her son does literally what he wants, which includes taking drugs and living like a tramp
i meant when he was a child he was fathered badly
@Anonymous Dec 14, 2010
uhmmm well it maybe hard for the addict to break out of their cycle, this is about the people in their lives that love them which the addict eventually destroys the relationship they have with their loved ones.
If you are a recovering addict you would know this and you’d also know there is often no way to repair damage.
I could go on lecturing you but I’m not going to. I know there is often no way to repair but i also know there is great forgiveness out there.
Good luck to everyone with their addictions and living with an addict either in their present lives or leaving one behind.
My fiancee has been struggling with addiction since he was 16, he is now 30. He has been in and out of rehabs, jail, and now is going to prison for 18 months.
not only is he addicted to prescription pain killers, adderal, and pot, he is also addicted to stealing things. the only thing with him is he doesn’t steal unless he is high on drugs.
He is a very loving, and caring guy, but he also makes it known that he is an addict, and uses that as a reason for people to feel bad for him, and accept his behavior. I have tried nearly everything from taking his drugs and flushing them, to kicking him out of the house. My only hope is that prison has a good recovery program, and 18 months of sobriety, will help to keep him sober. I don’t know how much longer i can live like this. It’s like having a fourth child :(
Hi, a few months ago I ran into my ex of 8 years lil brother and asked him how my ex was doing. His brother had mention that he’s been doing really bad since he’s been dating this new girl. I then asked how bad and he said that he was addicted to herion and smokes it.Apparently he and his girlfriend have been doing it together and it has just gotten out of control now. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, cause when we were together he had such a good head on his shoulders and never striked me to be the drug user. I called his mom out of being concern for his well being then finds out that he’s been stealing from her and let his girlfriend fight his mom. From my understanding he doesn’t want any help but his mother is crying out for it and is afraid he’ll be mad at her for calling the police or doing any type of intervention on him. Months go by and his brother and I run into eachother again. He then tells me that my ex has gotten worse and is now cocktailing herion and rock cocaine. I know we’re no longer together but I still really care for him and his family and don’t want to see anything happen to him. Do you have any suggestions what I can do to help?? Thank you for your time.